Haha, I'm not very good at this, am I?

Eh heh heh....I really am NOT good at keeping up with this. Oh well. At least I'm making a little bit of an attempt.

Life's been a little...euuuuh...hectic lately. Another rock concert, stupid, stupid feelings, and even stupider (more stupid? eh, I don't even care right now) friends.

Okay, maybe they're not completely stupid. They're just being annoying in the fact that they're off gallavanting and having fun....while I'm sitting in a pool of self-pity and going crazy. Yeah. A big group of my buddies spent a lot of time at the beach this weekend, I hear. These buddies, of course, neglected to invite adorable Jenna. And why's that, I wonder? Probably because, as a shy person, I tend to blend in. A lot. And blending in doesn't mean you come to mind when trying to think of fun and awesome people to invite to a beach visit.

Yeah, yeah, I can't blame it all on them, but it's not exactly all MY fault either, is it? I'm shy. That's how it is. I can't change that fact and I do the best I can to try and be more outgoing, but no one seems willing to try and help me out. I'm timid and shy and quiet and will probably complain about having to move but just because I'm lazy does NOT MEAN I DON'T LIKE HAVING THINGS TO DO! I mean, really! No one likes laying around the house all day, ESPECIALLY when they're having a crappy day! I spent all of this beautiful weekend sleeping and watching TV or video games and being on the computer. How horrible is that? And my friends went to the fricking beach without me, while inviting a whole bunch of other people. What the heck? Why is it so hard to invite the quiet girl to do stuff? Who knows, you might just LEARN more about her or get her to open up a little more, then she wouldn't be so quiet. And wouldn't that be nice?

.....good GOD I need to get out of this house....

Horrible? Not really so? I dunno.

I'm feeling a little horrible with myself today. 'Cuz, for one, a friend messaged me at one o'clock this morning as an emotional wreck and you know where I was? Fast asleep. It really, really made me wish that I had stayed up to watch that Doctor Who episode, but no, I was exhausted from soccer in the morning, then running around getting Megan's confirmation cross and stuff from the thrift store, then Nikki's Sweet Sixteen later to want to stay up and watch it.

And after I felt bad about not being able to comfort them when they probably needed it, you know what I did? I felt special because they came to me. I've come to this person to help me out with my problems loads of times before, at first just to get a guy's perspective and then later 'cuz I just wanted to talk to him more. It made me feel special that he came to me when he was an emotional wreck. He could've just talked to his brother (or....maybe not...he might make him feel like an idiot, now that I think about it) or maybe some other friend. But he came to me and that made me feel absolutely special. And, of course, while he's being all emotional-wreck-y (or was, rather) I'm feeling all special and la-dee-dee-da, so I feel horrible again.

After reading through the message and what he'd decided to do (neither of which I'm specifying on because he probably doesn't want the whole internet to know), I was kind of really proud of him. He was sticking to what he believed and was getting rid of people that didn't fit that. Which might not work in all cases...but it definitely does here. Most definitely indeed.

And while I was feeling proud, I kind of felt horrible again. I don't think I'd ever be able to do what he's doing. I'm too close to too many people that fit that mold and I'm afraid of losing them. I'm too scared to lose anyone that I might be really close to without freaking out. But I was still really proud of him. This mold apparently has over fifty percent of his friends that fit it...and that's a lot of friends to get rid of. (...and in all honesty, it made me like him so much more.)

I kind of feel like my response to his message, which was bits and pieces of this here, was kind of lame. But it was all I could think of. He was the advice giver, not me. I've never been good at helping people, even those I really, really care about. I just spout the first thing that comes to mind and leave it at that. I try to cheer them up, even if that's not exactly what they want. Cheering up is always my first instinct, maybe because I think that's all I'm good at. So I guess I feel that I did kind of a horrible job of being the "guru" that he's always been for me and I feel really bad about it. I still can't wait for him to get out of work so maybe we can talk a little more and maybe I can get a little bit better at this guru thing.

New Title? Holy shizz.

At first, this blog was called "Am I an Honorary Emo Kid Now?" I thought it was a pretty neat title, and thought it fit what would be going in here. But now...I'm thinking I don't want to subject people to anymore cruddy emo posts about boys and stupid stuff like that. I've renamed it "[/emo]" because this is where the emo ends. I'm not going to be that girl anymore, and I think you'll all prefer reading about a happier Jenna anyway. I know I'll prefer writing as her.

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars

So, for the past couple of weeks I'd been preparing for a mini-concert thing that the Rock Band class at my school was putting on. I'm not actually in it, but a friend wanted me to sing for his group, so I did. I ended up missing some classes so I could go and practice with the group, but it was okay 'cuz I'm an awesome little nerd and get my work done. The fact that the teachers loveeee meeee also helped, of course.

Practicing with everybody was fun. At first it was kinda awkward, because it was me and Andrew (friend that wanted me to sing) one-on-one and...well...if you know me, er, yeah, it was a little awkward. A lot awkward. He was helping me sing the parts right, and learn to move around while I'm singing. I couldn't really do squat with my eyes open 'cuz, well, it was weird to try and sing and move around while he was watching me. I went home and practiced and practiced and stuff, though, and did fine, but doing it in front of people is a liiiiittle bit harder.

The second time it was practicing with the microphone some. There was a little bit of issue because I wasn't singing loud enough, but I think mostly that was because I wanted to hear the words. Later I found out that singing without them was a LOT harder than it'd been in choir. Probably something to do with the fact that it was just me, but I got through it. I kept messing up on the bridge, though, and then there was the issue that the guy that was supposed to play the rhythm guitar (or something like that, I don't know what's what) wasn't coming to practice. Carlos, the guy, was kinda awesome and got his part down pretty quickly. It was a little unnerving that he was still working on the bridge, too, about twenty minutes before the whole thing started.

So, the thing started. At first, the crowd was mildly small. Several friends showed up, the parents of one of the girls singing. Then, a teacher showed up and asked for permission to bring her class in (Mrs. Hoddderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr .___.). That class came in and we had an extra, like, twenty-five people, maybe. I dunno, I've always been bad at estimating those sorts of things. A few more people trickled in, maybe drawn in by the music that must've been making it into the hallways. I kind of wonder now if the classes that did come had been disturbed and they couldn't work. Maybe that's why they'd come. A little bit later, my fifth hour teacher decided to bring in the class and we got another maybe fifteen or twenty people. The auditorium was definitely fuller than I had expected it to be. I was freaking out everytime I noticed that more people had come in. I was sitting pretty close to the stage, so I didn't notice the first big surge. That was the really bad part.

Anyway....the first song that they played was Holiday by Green Day, I think. It went pretty well. To be honest, I was worried about not getting through everything because the microphones were taking a bit to get set up properly, but we actually ended up being fifteen minutes short of school ending. Then it was....Anyone Else But You? Check Yes Juliet? I don't really remember. They both went well, though. So did Bulls on Parade. The guy "singing" for that was amazing. He had this little cape he was wearing, then some torch-thing that he was using like some awesome pimp-cane or something... And he was everywhere. He even jumped off the stage when he was done. Yeah, Chris was pretty fricking amazing.

The next song was Bring Me to Life, a song that I kind of knew previous to this but ended up having it stuck in my head more than the song I was singing afterwards. I still have it stuck horribly in my head. There were two girls that sang on that, the lovely Miss Nicole and Miss Anna. Chris did the guy part. He was pretty awesome on that, too, and the girls did pretty amazingly as well. When they were done, I had to scoot by some people quickly, as I was in the middle of a row that had very suddenly filled up, saying sorry as I went.

It was time for me to sing Brick By Boring Brick now. I was just a little nervous, to be quite honest. While everyone was getting set up behind me, the sound guy (I can't remember his name for the life of me, but I do believe it begins with a double-yah) told me the one rule: When you're on stage, you have to be a rockstar. No being shy. Shyly, I told him I'd do my best.

With a simple one, two, three, four, the music started. Everyone was playing. Chris on drums, Carlos on whatever-the-heck guitar he was playing, Andrew on lead guitar, I think, and Edward, Andrew's twin, on bass. I was actually pretty worried when it started because I couldn't hear Carlos all that well and that was always what I counted on when listening to the song to let me know when to come in. I did okay, though, and started roughly when I was supposed to...and to be frank, I don't remember what exactly happened after that. I know when I got to the bridge, I screwed up, like always, and Andrew made sure I got the lyrics right where I needed to. I think there was an uproar in the crowd when I started the first verse....but I really honestly don't know. It could very well be my storytelling skills getting away with me.

The song went well, except for my little screw ups here and there and that the microphones for Andrew and Edward to do the ba da's at the end didn't work. No one really seemed to notice, though. Other than the little mess ups here and there...all I really remember is that collective scream at the end of the song. It might've been because there were a lot of friends with really loud voices that decided to scream all at once, it might've just been because I was still in shock and awe that I'd really done it, but wow. That was really, really loud. And even though it hurt my ears, it was absolutely amazing. I loved that feeling. I wanted to feel that all the time.

The next song was, uh, I dunno. Something awesome. There weren't any vocals because no one had learned them in time, I guess...but it sound great all the same. The guitarist, a guy called CJ that I myself don't know that well, was amazing. As Nikki said later, he was a mini Jimi Hendrix (who I'm doing a research paper on, btw).

In conclusion, everyone sounded great. I was so sad that it was over. But I'm always like that with performances. You work and work and work on something for what seems like forever, then just like that, it's done. All your hard work for ten, maybe fifteen minutes if it's a band concert, a fraction of that if it's just one song. It makes me just feel like I wanna do that every week, every day.

And now, I do. I want to sing on stage, dance around, make people scream every day. I've always been so sure that I'd be an author when I grew up. I'd write books, not sing songs. Sure, I liked singing, but that was just something to do in the car, in a choir. There was a little bit of uncertainty when I got into biology and played around with microscopes a few times, but then I just decided I'd be a scientist or something to make the money until I made it big with my books. Now? Now I'm not so sure anymore. The teacher of both rock and regular band, Monsieur Weber, mentioned having another concert. I keep listening to songs on my ipod, in movies, and just thinking "Wow. That'd be a lot of fun to sing." Of course there's no guarantee that I'll actually get to sing again if another concert does occur (unless someeeeeebody wants me to sing, of course) because I'm not actually in the class. I really hope I get to do it again, though.

So, I think I wanna be a rockstar. It feels kind of weird to suddenly change because of one event, but really. That was a whole fricking lot of fun and I really would like to keep doing it the rest of my life. :)

Oh, and fun fact: Brick By Boring Brick came up thrice while I was writing this. xD

Kid and Friend

Chyeah, I haven't posted anything in awhile, and I want to test out my essay on changing attitudes with stereotypes and such. And...yeah...here it is?!?! xD

---------------

There were two pals: Kid and Friend. Friend was a good student and had amazing grades. He had never skipped a day in his life and never planned on it. Kid, however, was the exact opposite. It was amazing to see Kid more than once a week, and when she did come, it was to see Friend. Friend was worried about Kid and so he set out to persuade her to come back to school.

Friend knew that Kid liked him. A lot. For some reason, he could not seem to leave that fact alone. He thought about ways he could get Kid to return to school. He couldn't think of anything, though. Talking to her never worked. She never listened to him. Force was out, too: As much as Friend might deny it, Kid was stronger than he was and there was no way he could drag her into the school.

Then a new idea hit him. What was the perfect way to get her to take more stock in what he said, to get her to listen? Become her significant other--her boyfriend. She would swoon all over him then do whatever he wanted. Friend could get her to come to school, and help her get her grades up, just with that one simple question.

The only problem? Friend didn't like Kid that way. She was a...well...friend. He'd be in a relationship he didn't wan, acting like he liked her. Was she worth it? Kid was a friend... but were her grades worth his own feelings? He waited another week, but with midterms coming up quickly, he had to make his decision.

Friend ask Kid to meet him at a local cafe after school so they could talk. He got there early and bought them both a coffee and Kid a strawberry crepe because he knew it was her favorite. Kid eventually did show up, late as always. She was excited, as if she knew what he was going to say. She sat down eagerly, ignoring the thin pancake and coffee. Friend didn't say anything for several minutes, just sipping his coffee. Finally, he looked Kid right in the eye and said one thing.

"Goodbye."

Then he left.

Pokemons, gotta catch 'em all!

YES, I AM, IN FACT, A DORK!


...so, I was gonna angst some more or maybe ramble about maybe angsting and being swoony and such. But then I started talking Pokemon with someone and kind of lost the gumption to write about anything to do with anything angsty. So, Pokemon it is. Less geeky ones of my friends...you might want to avoid this post. xD


I kinda love Eevee. It's always been my favorite, I think. Don't know what an Eevee is? Google it. Lovely, adorable little squirrel-fox thing, evolves into, like, seven different Pokemon under certain conditions: Vaporeon, Flareon, Jolteon, Espeon, Umbreon, Leafeon, Glaceon. Originally, there was only the first three, but then they got further along in the game (er...pun not intended) and decided to add on Espeon and Umbreon, then Leafeon and Glaceon even later. Maybe it's this variety that's made it always appeal to me so much, maybe the adorableness of it, or maybe the prettiness of the evolutions (except Jolteon...Jolteon scares me). Maybe it was that you didn't need to level the darling up at all to get the evolution I really liked, Vaporeon. Just need a water stone and BAM. Amazing mer-fox-thing. :D Yeah, Eevee was nifty.

....mmkay, now I'm bored. Let's review some of the evolutions or something, shall we (but only the first three because they're the only ones that count :D)?


VAPOREON! Oh, how I love thee. :D Water types have always been my favorite, due to some obssession with mermaids and such when I was little, I guess. But really, how could you ever NOT love that face? <3>n Eevee if you can get your hands on one (assuming you're not in Hoenn or that other new region that I can't remember, of course, you probably can) or trading for one (your only option if you're in Hoenn or...Sinnoh or whatever). My final statement? Vaporeon is awesome.


Next.....Flareon! Second favorite of the original three and still adorable and very, very fluffy. You can get Flareon the same way you get Vaporeon, only instead of a Water stone you have to use a Fire stone, obviously. Bulbapedia calls Flareon the Flame Pokemon, which is appropriate enough, considering that it IS a fire type. This little bugger has a high body temperature and looks the most like Eevee out of ALL of the evolutions, including the other four that I am excluding. Not much to say about Flareon...just that it's not quite as awesome as Vaporeon, in my opinion, but much, much better than Jolteon. o___O


Last, and certainly least, Jolteon. This one just kind of scares me. It's pointy, and even though it's smiling here...not quite as adorable as the other two. It's the Lightning Pokemon and you get it via a thunderstone. According to Bulbapedia, they are also kind of bipolar, because they get sad or angry easily. This is bad because they build up a charge, and if they are startled, then they can shoot the energy off or shoot out their bristles...and, well, you should get yourself some medical attention asap. I don't like this one much and thus have nothing more to say. :D


...gawsh, I feel like a dork. I just blogged about freaking Pokemon. xD Well. At least I had fun. Before I take off, though...little tid bit for you. There was an episode (in the original run of Pokemon, I would assume, with Ash, Misty, and Brock) called the Eevee brothers. I don't know the story line much, but the names of these brothers were Mikey (he had Eevee), Rainer (Vaporeon), Sparky (Jolteon), and Pyro (Flareon). ...yeah, Pokemon isn't all that creative. xD

NOT AN EMO TODAY, NO-SIREE-BOB! I AM A DORK! :DDD

One-upped

[Warning: Lots of teenage angst. If you don't want to read any thoughts on a past relationship, you might not want to read this. Sorry, it's all that's on my mind right now.]

Well, as a comic I read this weekend said, call me Mario, 'cuz I've been one-upped. It would seem that dear friend is doing a much better job than I ever was at being a significant other. I hear about them hanging out way more than I think we ever did. Does that mean that I was a horrid significant other? Did I have lesser feelings because I didn't think I needed to see them so often? It was much like that in the end, I guess. Less wanting to be around him. Panicking at the thought of us meeting up, avoiding any contact like the plague. Not even having th courage to end it in person, using the internet like a coward. Of course, that's how it began, so I justified it with saying it was fine for it to end that way, too. I felt bad about it then, felt bad about it a month after, two months after, and I feel bad about it now. Was it the right thing to do? For myself, it was, obviously. I don't think it was healthy for me to feel so insecure that way, even if he himself was doing nothing to make it seem that way. Or maybe he did. Maybe it just got serious way too quickly for my little head and I got worried. Worried about what? I'm not entirely sure anymore. Worrying about everything, I suppose. What I'd get him for his birthday in two months. What we'd do for Valentine's Day. Whether or not I'd panic and chicken out on everything, just seeing him in school. I couldn't even bear to share my feelings about anything. I don't think he really knows how scared I felt, how terrifying it felt to even think about going out, let alone actually doing it. I'm not entirely sue what's up with me, or even if it could be classified as a "wrong". Maybe we rushed it. Maybe I wasn't ready for it in the first place. Maybe I should have listened to my parents. Maybe I got in over my head. No, definitely, I got in over my head. When did it start, though? That first kiss? I was on top of the world then. Nothing could touch me.

Then there was a dip, a mild depression of sorts, as I was thrown off balance by a random act of kindness by someone that I thought was mad at me or something. Ice cream, it seems, is something that can woo easily. After that, everything seemed like it as at the end. Panic. That's the only word I think to use to describe it. My breathing would get irregular, quick, like I was hyperventilating. Maybe I was. My head would feel so full that I just needed to scream, scream and scream and scream. Now, it may be my author-like flair adding details that never existed to the story, but I'm pretty sure that I did feel all of this. Then it was gone. Poof. A little anger over asking if I'd cheat, but that was it. The butterflies were back and I was glad to have them. Things were alright again.

After that, though...it was a trip to Alabama. A month away. He asked if I wanted to...break up, I guess, in case I met someone there. I thought it was a silly idea. Meet someone, in Alabama? I would be hanging around a bunch of college kids. And mostly girls, for that matter. How on earth would I meet someone? And even if I did, there was no way long distance would work. I told him all that, and got a confused response of "?". Then I said that it wouldn't matter, because I didn't need anyone else. That made him happy, I think. Was this another sign that things weren't going well? That I came up with a logical response first instead of the one that his insecure self was obviously fishing for? I realized afterwards that boyfriends don't like logic much. But it was a silly question to ask, wasn't it? "Want to break up in case you meet someone?" For a month in the south? I really, really hope I never get insecure enough to have to ask that.

So, south I went. Worried worried worried all the way there and all the way back. And, then, when school was about to start up once more, I panicked big time. He tried to get together, meet up at the mall with friends or something. I used band camp as an excuse, even though that wrapped up by noon. Then, just weeks before school started up...it was over. Poof. Ended. I found it interesting that no one seemed all that shock-and-awe on my page, no one asked me what happened, save for a Kibbey and an Anna, I think...I wonder what he told them happened. I wonder if he said that I was cowardly, that I simply sent him a message saying I couldn't handle it. It was over. I wonder if they hold it against me.

And now, even though it's been what, six months? I still hurt. Girl codes about asking if it's okay to date an ex always seemed stupid, but...it would've been nice. I would've felt like I was cared about. That she didn't want to hurt my feelings. She didn't even tell me directly that she liked him. She told another friend, and I figured it out through his taunting (Ryan's nifty that way, he is). She was one of the first people I told about my latest crush (gosh, saying it that way makes me feel like a heart slut) and she didn't think that maybe telling me that she liked an ex and he liked her back would be a good idea? What. The. Eff. That's all I really have to say. ...well, not all, really, considering I wrote this huge thing all about it.

But, really, I think that's all I have to say about it. All of this. And, so, I guess I sure AM an honorary emo kid now. ....and so is Emily Turek. :)