I am SO...rrgh.

Frustrated. But not, y'know? The feeling's sorta there, but...not. Ergh. Or maybe it is, 'cause I'm getting all frustrated about not being able to describe it!

But anyway. Originally I was frustrated by the fact that while my mother TOLD ME my book was in at the library, it very much was not! D: The stupid thing's been in transit for two days now and it's just moving from downtown to the library by my house! Ugh! Curse you, Evan, for making me want to read Idlewild so badly! .__. Curse you, Library System, for giving me the Scott Pilgrim books when I was ready to wait for them but taking eons to get me a book that was already on the shelf! D:<

On that note, I've tried rereading my books I have here at home...but...I'm just not interested in them! >< I don't understand! It's not like I was trying to read the Twilight Saga! My books are interesting! There're alien centaurs and living magical vampires and and interesting stuff! It's not fair!

I'm also frustrated by the fact that I wanna go something creative, but my brain just WON'T GIVE ME ANYTHING. Ugh. That Authorly thing I posted? It was from yesterday. When I got bored. >>

I'm also frustrated--no, more intrigued, really--by how this Kinect thing might work, but not enough to actually google it. Not yet, anyway.

My mind is blown by the fact that I never connected Binx from Hocus Pocus and McGee from NCIS. I know didn't watch NCIS much when I was younger, but...still. I can't NOT see McGee now. It's weird. And kinda frustrating.

But! Bright side? I think I might have a crush again, which means more lovely butterfly feelings! It still might be too early to say for sure not. I kind of really hope I do, though, 'cause it just makes life so much more interesting. Especially when SOOOOOMEONE REFUSES TO DO SOMETHING FUN. >> (My choir buddies agree with me on that "not ready" comment that I can only assume was for moi. ...if it wasn't, please ignore my silly narcissistic assumptions.)

Also, I looked cute today. Which was a plus. :)

I'm not being fair here. At ALL.

But I don't really care.

Somebody had a mental breakdown. I've felt like I've had miniature ones a GAZILLION TIMES since about last October. Has anyone ever helped me with them? Not in person, no, not really. I know I don't burst into tears or anything, but that's just 'cause I'm a little bit better at pretending I'm okay, I guess. I've had more practice, considering I've been a 'crybaby' since forever.

I'm not being fair to this person for getting all upset because they got upset and got help. I'm not being fair by being just a little bit angry at them (okay, maybe more than a little bit). I'm resenting that they got help from people that I thought were supposed to know me (but then again, maybe not) and I'm just really, really mad that I've only ever gotten direct help when I've burst into tears or kind of just run into someone for a hug, while being near tears.

This kind of brings me back to an incident last school year, beginning of the trimester, I think. Or maybe it was the middle of the second one. Yeah, I think that's what it was. Anyway, I came into first hour a lot of the time feeling like complete and utter crap. There was a lot of teary-eyed, let's-get-through-my-first-two-classes-and-lunch-then-band-will-make-everything-better moments. I know, it sounds all emo and crap, but it's the truth. But even though I came in like this more than half the time, nobody noticed. Then somebody walks in and just gives a bit of a sigh and it's all "OHHHH WHAT'S WROOOONG?" I was pretty angry at people then, too.

But I'm not being fair here. I don't make it apparent when I'm upset. I'm good at keeping it locked in until it's just too much to bear. Usually the only feelings I have issues holding are my gonna-strangle-someone moments (something this new band should be very aware of by now). It's just not right for me to ask all of my friends to know when I'm sad or angry without making it at least a little apparent. Two way street and all that, right?

Bleh. I dunno. I'm just not in a very understanding mood today, I guess.

My first almost-actual letter...

Dear Prince(ss) Charming,

I don't know where you are or who you are or even your gender. And I don't really care. I just know that you're my twue wuv and I think it'd be neat if you came into my life sometime soon. Because life has gotten boring and I think that'd be the best way to make it interesting. So, wherever you may be, take off like a rocket to here, okay? 'Cause I'll love you and you'll love me and it'll all be great. Right? Right.

But seriously. Get over here. Now.

Thank you.

Love (eventually, someday),
Jenna

I am never ever EVER sitting by myself at lunch again.

Or at least not in my lovely little now-quiet corner (I say now-quiet because the people that were crowding it before can sit downstairs again--hallerlujah).

Why? Because a couple of girls decided to take me under their wing. And I'm pretty sure they're younger than me. I don't like maybe-freshman-girls-that-I-don't-know pitying me. 'S not cool, man.

They just randomly came over and started talking to me at lunch. Of course, they started with the unavoidable question: Why're you sitting all alone over here?

Why? 'Cause it's quiet. I like it. I can watch part of the concourse and part of the lunch room at the same time. I can think. I can read. I can write. I can mess with my phone or listen to my iPod and not worry about a security guard running off with it. (Of course, the answer they get is just because it's quiet.)

Oh. Are you new?

No.

What grade are you in?

Eleventh.

Have you been here all three years?

Yeah.

Do you have any friends?

Yeah.

Why don't you sit with them?

They're loud.

Oh. ... *leave*

HALLELUJAH! THEY'RE GONE! PLEASE, OH LORD, KEEP THEM AWAY!

.... *comes back* Have you ever been pregnant?

....no.

Do you have a boyfriend?

No.

Do you want a boyfriend?

Eh. *shrug*

Have you had a boyfriend?

Yeah.

Let's go to the vending machines! Come with?

No, I'm good here, thanks.

Oh, okay. *toddles off*

*turns face up to the ceiling* PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE KEEP THEM AWAY!!

That was how my lunch went.

I am never ever ever ever ever sitting in that corner alone again.

(This isn't necessarily the order they asked their questions in, but it's what I remember.)

There's no real difference.

Y'know, between a bikini and ladies underwear. Why's it okay to gallivant around in public in the former but not the latter? 'Cause we've just decided it should be?

I dunno. I just realized this morning that this was true when some people were talking about how a friend wouldn't do underwear modelling, but if it was a bikini, then it'd be different.

How's it different? Because it's different material? I mean, swim suits get wet. And then the material clings. How is that any better than seeing a lady in her undies? Underwear stays dry, at least. (Or at least it should.) Honestly? I've seen a lot of bikinis that are a looooot skimpier than most of my underwear. This might just mean I have some pretty chaste undies, but still. 'S not right.

People are weird. So, so weird.

'Sploded!

Yeah, I kind of did that on Thursday. (And by "kinda", I mean we needed that safety glass they have on Mythbusters.) Kid in band was pelvic thrusting (NOT doing the Time Warp) towards the back of me and another kid was laughing at it. After we went through and did the show a couple of times, it kind of sounded to me like the kid that'd been laughing was trying to coerce (right word? I think it is) the kid that'd been doing it into doing it again. So I turned around and screamed at them to quit it. I also hit the laughing kid once, but only a quick jab to the shoulder, 'cause that's all I ever do when I hit somebody. And, because frustration/anger = tears with me, I had some issues playing after that. >> But I still went through doing the pictures and stuff 'cause, well, I needed to. Three practices a week means you need to be there every day doing what you're supposed to be doing.

......
*coughcoughkevinhackcough*

Nina and the other City kids that've done it don't get included in that because they do a better job of catching up, they're not annoying, and didn't do the part of the Time Warp that really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-a-ane.

I was really quite worried when I'd gotten my senses back and saw everyone staring back at us (we were an eye of a smiley face, so we were pretty much the farthest back) that everyone would see me as the crazy chick that yells at everyone. I really, really didn't want to be like Sharron. ....no offense meant to her, but I don't like yelling at people, no matter how much stress it relieves. .___. To my surprise, though, one kid told me that it'd been "amazing, they always annoy me so much" and a bunch of other kids asked me what'd happened and if I was okay. xD A freshman (I'm pretty sure Julian's a freshman, anyway) who seems to be pretty buddy-buddy with the laughing kid most of the time even asked me if I wanted him to beat them up and to let me know if they were bullying me again. I told him no, I didn't want him to beat them up, and thought, 'no, I'm not going to go to you if they're bullying me. You are probably two years younger than me. xP' Everyone doing that made me feel like they were on my side, which made me happy. :D

But then I worried about it happening anyway, and I really didn't want to be seen like that at all, so I decided I would apologize to them. It was pretty easy to apologize to Kevin because he is some sort of a pseudo-friend, even though he's a jerk a lot of the time and told me it was okay because my standing up for myself was just a "bitchy attack." In hindsight, I probably should have asked him if that what he was doing should have been considered a "retarded attack", but maybe not. That would have just stirred things up again. Apologizing to the other one was harder, though, 'cause he's the kid that I've kind of disliked since I first saw him: Micah. I mean, Carter saw him for two seconds and said he looked like "such a douchemonkey" (excuse my language, please, I'm just quoting her). I did end up apologizing to him, though, because I felt I really shouldn't have yelled at them like that. I don't like doing it and it's not mature. He accepted my apology and said he was sorry for laughing. It was all okay then.

Except he wouldn't listen to the guy I would assume has been appointed band major because I think he's either the only or the most competent senior in band and was telling the drummers to play, even though that really should have been Brian's (the senior) job.

(Somewhat secretly, I was kind of disappointed he apologized back, though, because I sort of wanted to hold it against him that he wasn't mature enough to do it. But then again, maybe he just did it to look good.)

And to everyone that thinks I shouldn't have apologized and settled things with my fists:
A) I am NOT LIKE THAT! I don't like people being angry with me and I don't like being mean to people. So it made me feel terrible. If you must, pretend I did it completely for my own conscience instead of just partly.
B) DO YOU REALLY THINK I COULD SETTLE ANYTHING WITH MY FISTS?!?!? Maybe with a body tackle of sorts during soccer or hockey ball, but not my fists. Geez, people.

All in all, though, I think this will be a good experience. I've had it waaaaaay too easy the past couple of years when it's come to conflict. xP I'll learn how to tell people they're annoying the crap out of me without being terrible or explosive.

Oh, and because I feel like I'll never post this ANYWHERE if I don't do it now: That Micah? Yeah, he called Weber coach once. It made me giggle. A lot. xD

For a pessimist...

....I'm pretty optimistic.

Those are the lyrics, aren't they? Or maybe I've got them backwards. I dunno. I'm too lazy to look them up right this second.

But if you didn't catch the reference from those, I've kinda been thinking about Paramore. And how awesome they are. And how I want to be like Hayley so, so much. I mean, she's tiny, adorable, spunky, gorgeous, a pretty great role model, and she's able to do what she loves for a living. It might not last forever, but...so far, I think they've got a chance to at least go for a little while longer.

But really. I would love to do what she's doing. To be like her. But I don't think I'll ever be able to be as confident and nonchalant about things with seemingly everyone as she is. Because that's just who I am.

I want to sing in a band. Mrs. Williams asked me if I wanted to ever try out for American Idol and was surprised when I said no. She pointed to the part in my outline for my personal essay that said I really, really wanted to sing. But I guess she didn't understand that it wasn't just the singing I wanted, but the being a part of something. I liked working with the guys back in May to make the songs work for the Rock Band concert. I know, it's been months, I should give it up already, but I can't. And why not? Because it won't let me go, I guess. It's stuck its claws in me and I don't see myself prying them out anytime soon.

If I ever really did get into a band that worked *coughcoughhackandrewcoughhack*, it could work with my life and plans. I don't really need college to write; I'm already great at it, right? And if I had a little bit of cash to fall back on (assuming the band actually did really well), then I could always try the part-time school bit. There are plenty of colleges that do online stuff nowadays. If I could get the band thing to work for me, I would do anything to keep it. I know it because I just want it so freaking badly.

Is all this realistic? I have no idea. But, oh good golly gosh do I want it to be.

Things that are cool and things that aren't.

Things that I've thought were cool the past couple of days?

Soccer, little things that are random but make me smile, writing, drawing, and laaaaa dee daaaa singing. The little bit of Halloween shopping we've done, the fifteen minutes we spent in New 2 You (new record that will be VERY hard to beat), getting a free coupon at the Halloween store, the yummy food at Pizza Hut, realizing what I need to do if someone's crying really hard, and the Spartans winning. Gooooooo scary Greek guys. :) And the time I've been able to spend reading.

Things that I've thought weren't so cool?

Crying until I hyperventilate, not having anyone to tell me what to do when I was crying so hard, being yelled at, having my plans ruined once and then again, losing the soccer game (but that was kind of alright, I guess), being really, really mad at someone I love, and maybe losing a friend and being somewhat relieved about it.

That last one makes me feel kind of horrible.

On a happier note, though, I'm glad somebody's pokin' me on Facebook. :) It's like I'm not quite forgotten after all.

Toodles and I hope the remaining hours of your weekend are great~

"No difficulty can awe you once you make your decision."

That's what my slightly-less-than-awesome-tasting school fortune cookie's fortune said at lunch yesterday. About twenty minutes prior to this, I'd discovered I had an ideal what and where to do this college thing other than silly ol' GRCC (sorry, awesome people that go there/went there, I'm just looking for something a little bigger and more impressive, I guess? It's still my back up plan, if that makes you feel any better).

What've I decided? Major in English and minor in music. This was kind of my plan from before, but I couldn't find a school that would let me do that. THEEEEEEEN those MyCollegeOptions.org people that gave us those forms emailed me, and I decided to check out their website, and BAM! Jenna had a plan. MSU let me do what I wanted, it wasn't University of Michigan, it's kind of close to home...ish....and it's not too expensive for a good school.

I was pretty geeked when I realized I had a real ideal of what I wanted to go to school for and where I was going to do it. It's kind of a really nice relief. Now I just need scholarships! Which, too anyone else, might be daunting. But fortune cookie told me I was okay, so I feel okay!

Life is so cool sometimes, isn't it?

I feel so weird sometimes.

So, I just spent a couple of minutes looking at my eyes and trying to figure out what the yellow webby bits could be in my iris. It's not just an obsession with my eyes, please realize, my eyes are just the most accessible without looking too strange.

While looking at them and trying to figure out what the yellow webby bits could be, I realized I could see my reflection in the mirror reflected in my pupils.

It made me smile.

I just felt like sharing my strangeness with all of you. ♥

Now it's time for sleep!

Rawrgh.

I need to dump everything that's in my head. I feel like making it public. So there.

I'm tired and feeling crappy for no reason.

Ottawa Invite went alright today. Not too many things went wrong. Just printer and scoring issues. Otherwise it was okay.

Things are changing big time with somebody I haven't really known that long. It's kind of scary to think that something so big is happening when I just got to know them.

I miss liking someone a whole bunch, but I feel like I'm being...I don't know what word I'm looking for here, but I just feel like that if I want to be normal and functioning person, I need to be able to be okay without liking someone.

Russian is being stupid. I hate this course but I want to finish it a) because I already started it and b) I think an independent study in high school would probably look good to colleges. And I need some free moneys.

Which reminds me...Ottawa was stupid, as usual, and made me give them my social security number and sign all these stupid forms instead of just giving me money. The real kicker? I'll probably have to wait weeks for a check of maybe twenty bucks. I'll make more money and get it right when I'm done on Monday (maybe) and Thursday for less time spent working. wtf.

I want pizza. We're not ordering it yet.

The "If you really knew me" things are making me sad and want to hug every single one of those people and punch all the idiots with their stupid comments.

I want to go do something tonight but I don't know what.

I'm kind of lying; I know what I'd like to go do, but I don't know who to go with.

No, that's a lie, too. I know who I want to go with, but I'm afraid to ask them about it.

I want more of a social life but with only a few select people. I'm begging for to get out of this house, but I'm picking and choosing who I want to get out with. I'm being stupid.

I want to add more to my story but I can't think of where to go now. I want someone to read it through so far and tell me what they think...but that might be mostly so I can have something to make me want to write other than getting the story out. I want to finish it, but...I just don't have the motivation. The only reason I finished Christian Rock is because Jade wanted to read it. I don't have anyone to read and push for more for this Untitled Harriet+Karen project (yes the same Harriet and Karen from Authorly, if you can remember that far back).

I think that's it.

But maybe not.

I'm just....eh.