WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDSSSS

Yeah, that's kinda how life is right now. Y'know, the censored version of the song that they use in commercials where they cut out the part about getting high. My friends don't help me do that.

ANYWAY MY FRIENDS (and a few family members) ARE FREAKING AMAZING.

The ones that talk to me on a semi-regular basis, anyway. The ones that don't are lamers.

You guys make me laugh and give me hugs. That last one might seem like a pretty little thing, but as affectionate as I am (yeah, I bet that catches everyone by surprise; the shy girl that keeps to herself and never touches anyone is AFFECTIONATE?!), hugs are kind of awesome all the time. Especially if they're warm or you smell good. xD

...that wasn't meant to be creepy. I'm sorry if it was.

But, unfortunately, where there are good friends, there are also some bad ones. You probably know the sort; they just seem to come to you when they need you, they're never there when you need them, and sometimes they don't talk to you at ALL. Yeah, those kinds of friends suck. And it kind of feels like a lot of my friends have turned into this sucky kind. Now, I know I don't attempt interaction with them much, but...I'm shy. I at least have a half-way reason to not do it. These guys are my friends, apparently, and they say they love me. Soo...where's the love?

I swear, even when I do attempt to reach out, I get ignored. Gah. Now they're all just gone. And it sucks so, so much.

But, that's okay. I still have a lot of friends that are awesome and will talk to me. ....not so many chick friends, but hey. Guys are less stressful, right? Right. Of course they are. I suspect most arguments that they have are about video games or something. Yes, they're stupid arguments, but still, they're better than what girls do. At the beginning of last school year, EVERYONE was fine with everyone else in my little circle-oblong-thing. By February, everyone was fighting with everyone else. Trying to get people together after Swirl was very difficult. Then things kind of got better...but....they're still not fixed. People are still being cruel to others, stating very clearly, where EVERYONE can see it, that there are BETTER things out there than a friend to another friend after a break up. People liking his new single status when it's obvious they just didn't like the girl. Maybe not helping someone's depression by not doing so. I dunno. I don't talk much to her anymore simply because I feel like I'm annoying her.

And so, I guess, my awesome friends are mostly guys at this point with a handful of ladies. But I think that's okay, 'cuz, well....hogawshguysarejustsomuchsimpler. ;____; I really hope I start hanging around more guys this year. I would much rather listen to them talk about Yu-Gi-Oh! (mostly because I'm still interested in it, just a little bit xD) and whatever mega-killing-military-y video games they might be playing than the girls fight and talk about each other behind their backs. I mean, yes, I know guys do it, too. But I'm also much more interested in the usual conversational items than what the girly-girls talk about.

So, plan for next school year:

Step 1: Attempt to stop being shy

Step 2: If step 1 is successful, continue on and make more guy friends. If step 1 is not successful, repeat until it is and then complete step 2.

Step 3: If the first two steps are successful, be happy! If they aren't, repeat until they work.

Step 4: ????????

Step 5: Profit.

....I think I might've screwed something up in that plan, but that's okay.

FRIENDS WHO ACTUALLY READ THIS! RAWR! I love you. C:

Bleh.

Such a descriptive title. But it's just how I'm feeling. (Lookit, Brian, you're getting that update you wanted after all.)

Despite the happy-go-lucky ABBA that's playing in my ears (GAWLL, Jeremiah knows just how to attempt and cheer me up), I'm feeling less than happy than I was earlier.

See, I've kinda been dealing with a stupid one-sided affection of sorts thats kind of been bothering me since February. I thought maybe I was doing better with it, buuuut....being eight hundred miles away has not helped. At all. And on top of that, I'm helping maybe get him to help out a friend with something...something that I kind of really wish I could do with him. I'm not gonna be specific 'cuz I don't want my feelings to suddenly be OUT THERE to everyone. I mean, the important people know...but other than that, ha ha, no, no, you don't need to know, internet. No.

SO ANYWAY I'M FEELING KIND OF AWESOME FOR TALKING TO HIM ABOUT IT, 'CUZ HEY, WE'RE TALKING! ....but I'm also kinda like nyeeeaaaah because I don't want the friend to be able to do it with him when I can't. Stupid group's already full up. >> And part of me wants to tell Friend that she could just message him herself now, he probably wouldn't be weirded out or anything...but I also want to use this as an excuse to talk to him. D: Darnit, I dislike this.

Conclusion? Boys are stupid.

Update?

Happy, Brian? 'S updated now. c:


...but really. I don't have anything to say. So no blog. Sowwy. D:

My confidence has increased....

...yeah, it has, but not in the way it was with Janet. :P

I dunno what it is about today, but I feel great. Relieved. Confident, even. Maybe it was my bike ride or walking the dogs or swimming or just being outside for a good portion of the day. Maybe it's because I was able to have a good time basically by myself. Maybe I'm just going crazy. Man, if I'm going crazy...well, I'm fricking loving it.

I feel amazing. Just awesome. Grand. Great. Stupendous. Just...alive! It's beautiful, considering I've been wallowing in self-pity for who knows how long. I just can't believe I never realized how unhappy I was. And now, even with the crap that's been happening, even though my amazing and wonderful Mamaw has passed on and it feels like half of my friends have abandoned me, I AM HAPPY. And I feel so relieved that I'm near tears because of it. I missed being happy so, so much. I thought before that I was happy, and maybe I was, but it wasn't this happy. I feel free. I can look at people making plans without me, forgetting about me...and I can just think "Whatever, I've got better grades than them" or "I can sing better than them." It may be a slightly bitchy thing to think, but GAWSH do I love it. I think I might finally be reaching that point where I stop being quiet and shy all the time because I'm fricking tired of being walked all over. Before, I didn't want to do that. To become like my mom (who, though I love her to death, can be a little much sometimes) or Sharron (ALWAYS A [[swearing!!!]] HANDFUL, but still pretty cool) and lose my niceness. But if it means feeling like this, than to heck with my niceness and understanding! I will try my hardest to still be able to connect with people, to see from their perspective...but I need to make me happy, too. Apparently, that might mean being a little bit of a female dog sometimes. And I'm willing to do that to keep myself sane.

Cancer. Sickness. War. Evil.

It all needs to go die. Now.

GH MI

That was a kind of awesome license plate we saw while in Grand Haven today.

Oh my gawsh was it pretty.

Today started out pretty gross and rainy. It was kind of sad, because we had already planned on visiting the amaaazing city today. My dad took the day off and everything. How could it rain while we were at the beach? Definitely not cool. It was thundering and all that crap on the way there, too. It was really starting to worry me.

But then we got there....and it was BEAUTIFUL (or, as my status later stated, BEAVTIFUL). It was so warm out, and sunny, and just amazing. We (me, sister, father and mother) all had lunch at the Kirby Grill, then decided to walk along Washington St/Ave (not sure which it is) and look at some shops. Most of what we were looking for was shorts, because Mom forgot hers and was dyyyyyying in her jeans. We never found any, in all our wanderings, so we ended up at Meijer instead. And, while we were there, Megan and I ended up getting some cooler clothes, too, and sunscreen. After we got back to the beach, it was so much cooler. Even a plain t-shirt was waaaay too hot for that weather.

So, all sunscreened up, we walked down the boardwalk and sloooooooowly made our way to the beach. From where we were parked, it was a very long walk. But it was also kind of nice. Megan was taking pictures all along the way, and a couple of times people were like "OMG SHE'S TAKING PICTURES WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THEREEEEEE". Apparently there aren't many photographers in Grand Haven.

We made it to the lighthouse, walked along that, watched some idiots jump off and nearly kill themselves, and then walked back to the beach. Which felt AWESOME on our weary feet. The cold water helped, too. We got to see a lot of cute little kids (I am NOT a pedo, darnit, children are just adorable) and we made a sandcastle with our bare hands. And I made a sandman. :D

After we were done at the beach, we eeeeeeverrrrr so slowly walked back to the car and got ice cream from a lovely place in downtown Grand Haven. Then, ice cream in hand, we went home. Now, we're all exhausted (Dad and I especially, considering I had to take an exam at 7:30 in the morning today and he had to get me there) and definitely ready for sleep.

And I don't even care that someone I thought was a close friend didn't invite me to her birthday shindig. Grand Haven is both beautiful AND magic. :)

Rawrawrawr.

This is not an "I love you" rawr. This is a "DARNIT, I am FRUSTRATED" rawr.

I'm honestly feeling a little panicked now, too.

One of my friends decided to take off after a fight with her mom. Her phone is broken so no one can get a hold of her. She walked to another friend's house, which is quite a bit aways, instead of coming here, to my house, which is maybe a mile and a half from her house? I don't know, I'm bad at estimates. But I do know we're a lot closer than this other friend.

Which makes me frustrated, obviously. I've known this girl since middle school. That's three years now. Why on earth did she not feel she could come here? Why did she walk all the way to their house instead of mine? Is it for the same reason that she hasn't talked to me in ages? What did I DO?

And the fact that she took off at all is frustrating, too. I mean, I understand her mother is a little much sometimes...but why did she need to leave and go so far? Ugh. I don't get adolescence. I feel like I need to leave sometimes, but I don't actually DO it....I know that my parents would worry too much. Again, I feel like a failure of a teenager. I worry too much that I'll hurt them by taking off, so I don't. Or I'm too afraid of getting in trouble or disappointing them. Take your pick.

Today was a pretty good day, besides this. And yet I've felt like crap all day. Someone want to explain that to me? We played Rock Band in band, lunch was actually pretty good, I got to goof off in three out of five classes, and we watched a hilarious Charlie Chaplin film (The Gold Rush) in English. Today was REALLY good in the school department! So WHY do I feel like crap?

Maybe it's because someone (or, rather, a LOT of someones) has been ignoring me, even though I thought we were pretty good friends. I feel like I did something, but I don't know what I might have done. Usually I get hi's and hugs and shizz, but now? NOTHING! One friend even has a birthday party coming up and I've heard her ask others to come, but I've heard nothing to me, personally. It's just as well, because the family is taking a beach day that day, but STILL. Why wasn't I invited? I'm scared to ask because I don't want to look like I expected to be (even though I kinda did; being clarinet buddies and stuff means you're usually invited, doesn't it?). I'm even scared to ask what I might've done wrong in case I'm being paranoid. But it's really starting to worry me.

I just realized that this loserface has been in my blog more than I'd like her to be. Darnit. Rawrawrawr.

YOUTUBE SENSATION?!?!

....ahaha. Not so much.

Started uploading some videos to Youtube, though. Who knows? Maybe I'll get discovered there. That loser Bieber kid did, why not awesome me?

Uhhhhhm. Lesse. What's happened lately? Oh, right, graduations. Yes. Plural. Montessori had there's last night and SQUEEEEEEEEEE was it cool. One of the dads sang the national anthem and I'm kinda jealous of his pipes now. And now quite a few awesome people are gone from band and it's a sad, sad day. I was good and didn't cry, although I have to admit, when I hugged one of the seniors, Veronika, I came pretty close. I dunno why it was just her. Maybe because she's been uber awesome these past couple of years. I dunno.

Anddddd yesterday I got TWO hugs. Pretty sweet. :) I've decided that since I'm going to be seeing 'im less, I should be more affectionate when I do. Thus, I demand hugs. And I saw him twice, so two hugs. Verrrrrry very good day.

Then we went FIRE MOUNTAINNNNN, awesome buffet place. Only I discovered I'm not very good at stuffing my face and didn't eat that much. I got to see a teacher that no longer teaches at our school and get hugs from her. I really miss Mrs. Mabin.

Euhhhhhhhhhhh then todaaaaaay it was boring. Boring boring boring. I got to spend a few hours ALONE in the house, though, and ended up singing. A lot. Loudly. xD It was pretty fun. I was very sad when everybody got home and I had to shut up. Then the idea popped into my head about Youtube. WHERE ELSE WILL I BE ABLE TO SING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WITHOUT ACTUALLY SINGING IN FRONT OF THEM??!?!? I dunno if anyone's actually gonna WATCH, but hey. Maybe I'll get lucky. :)

And graduation two happens tomorrow. That's the All-School graduation, with Central, Montessori, and HST (Health and Science Technology, for those of you not in the know). I don't know if I will be so lucky in the tears department tomorrow. That's EVERYone....and you. So it might be a little harder. Yeah. Definitely.

WHILE I'M ON THAT SUBJECT OF THIS HIM/YOU/WHATEVER.......I'm actually doing quite well on that front. No major emo moments to speak of. It's been a good couple of days, despite a couple downs and stressful moments. Let's hope it continues, yeah? Yeah.