Scratch that.

I'm all insecure and me again.

HOLY GROWING UP BATMAN!

I THINK I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE TURNING INTO A NEW JENNA AFTER ALL.

This won't be too extensive, because, really, it doesn't need much words, ESPECIALLY if you pay any attention to my Facebook.

Anyway, I WANT TO TEAR THIS GIRL TO PIECES AND I DON'T EVEN CARE IF SHE BITES BACK RIGHT NOW. I DON'T CARE IF I MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF. It's amazing. I don't care if someone points out some flaw in my logic. IT DOESN'T MATTER! I feel like a person! Like a person that actually interacts in society! Like I haven't done anything until now! I just want this girl that has caused SO MUCH CRAP to just fight back, just a little bit, so I can fight back more and not feel like I'm some crazy person trying to pick a fight. I want more, but I'm not going to provoke any more than I need to.

Okay, I don't really know if anyone reads this that doesn't have me on the lovely Faceybook, but I'm gonna elaborate just in case.

I saw Eclipse today. It was kind of sort of alright. Not the best ever, not by a long shot, but it was definitely better than the other movies. I mean, there were fight scenes to make up for the close up make-out sessions!! Vampires getting torn to pieces and shizz! Much better than the silly girl movie the others were. (Of course, still being a girl, seeing a shirtless Taylor Lautner was okay, too....shuddup he's one of us, a Grand Rapids dude! It's kind of okay then, isn't it?)

ANYWAY, uh, yeah. It was okay. And I stated as much, saying that I liked Jasper's southern accent best (WHICH was true), and I got "judged" by a certain Griffin (as in he actually said "judged."). I ignored that, 'cuz, well, it's Griffin. He's a twelve year old boy. Even if I knew he probably wasn't just messing with me, of course he wouldn't like anything like it. He's a boy. BUT one of the girls that like to ignore meeee (coughcoughfrickingTurekscoughcough) said the same thing, and, well...I got a little mad. No talking to me on a regular basis, Miss Em, but I say something that you see just a littttttle issue with, you decide to make your thoughts known? It's all or nothin', honey. Hate on me ALL YOU WANT, but don't just do it on occasion. Don't ignore me unless you have something bad to say. The phrase is if you don't have anything NICE to say, don't say anything at all, not the other way around. I mean, golly, you're older than I. Should you not be more mature? Of course not, 'cuz maturity has nothing to do with age.

(Oh, wow, this is turning into a little bit of something. xD Well then, I guess I'm pretty darn good at this writing business, then. I should stick with it.)

Anyway, she hasn't said a thing yet. But I'm very, very happy to say that IIIII am being a bit of a bitch, and, well....

I like it.

Next year should be fun.

And not just because I have my semi-new-let's-make-guy-friends plan. My little sister is going to be a FRESHMAN next year. Meaning I'm going to be in the same building as her again, but along with that...MY LITTLE SISTER IS GOING TO BE A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT. WHAT THE HECK. That's not cool. She's my innocent little sister. I don't want her around the stupid that makes up most of our school. D: Thus, I have mentally started compiling a list of names to help protect her from any ignorant people that might mess with her this coming year. That list is slightly smaller since a lot of people aren't really TALKING to me anymore...but that's okay. I still have some pretty b.a. people that can help me and my tiny self take care of my little sister. :)

And besides needing help to protect her....I need to make her wake up earlier. D: She's not a morning person in any way, shape, or form. But, I have come up with a small favor that might help her wake up. She gets to play with my hair and accessorize me. Usually, this might seem like a bad idea. Younger sister putting stuff together for me? What the heck? How's that gonna look? But, luckily, my sister is much girlier than I in this aspect, so I'm pretty sure that it'll turn out just fine. I'm making her practice this summer, though, so I don't have to go to school with my hair sticking up in some odd fashion...no, that'd be a little much, even for me. And I've dyed my hair pink, purple, and red over the years. And I was thinking about getting it cut even shorter than what it is now for a little while, too.

As well as dealing with Megan the high school student (which might mean boyfriends for her, too, I just realized: Nooo!), I think I'm going to end up watching almost every single relationship that my friends are in and wonder how it's going to end. I'm sorry in advance, but...high school relationships generally don't last long, no matter how happy the couple might look. So I kind of wonder....if they're so happy now, how will it end? What will happen that will tear them apart? Will he cheat or will she just get tired of him? I dunno. I guess it's the scientist in me. But I DO think that I'll probably just end up watching one couple and wondering...and I won't feel so bad about it, because hey! They're ignoring me, so why not try to dissect how they'll end up hating each other? ;P

Ugh. I'm so mean.

But I'm also gonna have so much school stuff to do OMG! Just the normal classes, in addition to learning this new blended model crap, KCTC, maybe something at Ferris, I don't know! And then band over at City because GRPS is stupid. Oh. My. Golly. And my volunteer hours! I mean, I've got eighteen already from this summer, but I'm not sure my thirty hours from freshman year were counted, for whatever reason. I mentioned that to my mom, and wooooooo-ee. She is not a happy camper. So I'm going to have to remember to ask Mrs. Brock about that, make sure I'm all caught up on my hours...I dearly hope I am. Otherwise, I get to make sure I get thirty hours this year in ADDITION to everything else I'm doing. Not very fun, if you ask me! >< And I might play soccer this year, too. If I do it with the REC department this fall, which I'll still be young enough to do, it'll just be one practice a week with a game on Saturday, which should be a good balance between stress and stress relief. If I play in the spring with Ottawa, well...that might be a little more complicated. xD I'll have to see how everything ends up balancing out.

So, uh, yeah! Next year. Fun, maybe. Interesting, fo' sho.

Thinking.

It's all I seem to be doing this morning. I guess that's what happens when the only ones up are you and your Papaw and neither of you are big talkers. I'm not even sure WHAT I'm thinking about. It kind of seems like a big mixing pot filled with everything. I recently stumbled upon a friend's blog and kind of spent a bit of last night and this morning reading pretty much all of it. I learned some stuff that I didn't know about them and now I just want to be closer. I want to know them better because I want to know the person that's wrote those entries. I don't feel like I do at all and it bothers me because I really care about them.

...and...yeah. This whole one-sided affection thing. He's been up thinking and thinking. I know it's not going to be about me. He's got some pretty big things happening in his life now like college and what he's going to do with his life. Those things are a lot more thought-provoking than little old me. Those things are downright terrifying in my opinion because I have no idea what I'm going to do. I love writing. I like science. I love singing. Only one of these could semi-guarantee a career, though. (And, hint hint, it's not one of the ones I love.) If I want to write or sing, I want a back-up plan. But...I really, really just want to do one of those. Or both. I don't know. I just want to be happy. And maybe sorta in his arms...but that's not happening today or anytime soon or ever. So I just have to deal with that.

And then there's just me. I've always been the quiet little girl that no one noticed. I had my couple of friends, then that was it. In middle school, it was a little bit more than that. Nearly the whole class was more or less friends with each other. It was pretty nice. Then we all got into high school and the class unity ended. People that used to say "hi Jenna!" don't even recognize me half the time anymore. I met new people, though, and made even more friends. My social circle-oblong-thing was probably the biggest it's ever been. Heck...I even managed to snag myself a boy freshman year (not that that was any big thing...gawsh, I don't regret it, exactly...but ugh). And this year started off pretty much like that. Seeing friends from the year before and getting to know them more. But then everyone started fighting and I was torn. I liked these friends, but they didn't like these friends anymore. I wanted to hang out with these people and these people, but they disliked each other. And while this happened, I found myself getting isolated. Slowly but surely, I felt that I was losing friends. It was just me and my best friend, Jade, half the time, plus whatever semi-friend-acquaintances I sat with at lunch. And then there was him and some people in band...but...I still felt utterly alone. The whole rock band thing helped, though. It made me feel like I was part of something and it gave me something to focus on other than school (because, honestly, half the time school is not challenging enough to keep me distracted for very long). I started reading a whole lot more again, too, to keep my mind off the real world. I disappeared into my room after school, started reading, then fell asleep about ten minutes in. Then I'd wake up, eat dinner, watch some TV, then go back to sleep. That was my routine for a long, long time. And I felt kind of okay about it, I guess, other than the occasional "OMG I'M WASTING MY YOUTH SLEEPING". After all that...I think I really was alone. No one was talking to me anymore. It was just me and Jade and Tony (freshman dude in band that is basically an adopted brother by now) on occasion. I shouldn't say that I felt alone with my best friend, but after all the people I was around before, after all their hilarity and adventures...I felt a little alone. It was scary to see it all just fall apart so quickly. And now I want to be more outgoing so I can make new friends, maybe REAL friends this time...and I can kind of feel it happening. I talk a little more. I actually had a conversation on the phone with someone that wasn't my mom for twenty minutes before I left. I haven't talked to anyone on the phone for more than ten minutes in ages. The only person that ever called me just to talk doesn't talk to me period anymore. It's really sad and I miss it, even though these awkward silences would come up where neither of us would know what to say. I'm not sure if this reaching out is me growing up or what. It kind of feels like it, just a little bit. Along with reaching out, I feel like I'm assuming this tomboy persona that I'm not sure I really fit. I mean, I'm definitely not a girly girl and I guess I have some more boyish qualities (hockey, the aggressiveness that comes with playing pretty much any sport, the not understanding of drama and such), but am I really a tomboy? I dunno. But now I'm kind of afraid to share anything that makes me seem utterly girly with anyone that I feel like sees me in the tomboy light. Ugh. I need to stop thinking. I need to get out and do something. Or someone just needs to be awake so I can be distracted by something other than the Internet and a lame SyFy (most stupid rename EVER) Channel movie.

Oh, and for most of this, one of our dogs, Madison, kept nudging my hand to pet her and making me screw up. It was kind of adorable, but really, really annoying at the same time. xD Just felt the need to share that.

My Other Car is the Millenium Falcon.

Oh, I WISH. I did get a button that says that today, though.

So, Star Wars exhibit...freaking awesome. They had all the praaaaaawps (apparently typing extra O's just made it look like proooops, and not the way I wanted it to sound, so it's uber phonetic), the costumes, the models...everything. It was amazing. So amazing...that I'm absolutely exhausted and can't type much about it. xD

IF YOU HAVE ME ON FACEBOOK (what am I talking about, YOU ALL DO!), YOU CAN SEE MY STATUS AND PICTURES THERE. SO YEAH.

I think I might be an Empire girl. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Oh, and I saw a shirt in the gift shop that I kinda liked, so I checked the price....and literally recoiled back in shock. It was twenty-seven dollars. The kids shirts were only fifteen, but unfortunately, I'm a little...erm...too well-endowed to fit into kids' shirts anymore. =/

And thass it. So toodles.

hooooomaiiiigawshhhhhimtireddddd

Translated: It's been a long day.

I'm not sure why, exactly. We didn't really do much today. I woke up earlier because we were planning on going to Birmingham, which is about an hour from my grandparents' house (where I'm staying at the moment, for those of you not in the know). So I figured that getting up and around sooner might help. I was showered, dressed, and Cap'n-Crunch-filled by nine o'clock, I do believe. And where was half of our lovely team?

Asleep, of course.

So we didn't get out the door until eleven-thirty, which ultimately means I could have slept in longer. Doing so probably would've helped with later. Anyway, we did make it out to Birmingham, listening to Classic Queen and the Wicked soundtrack as we went (something tells me my twelve year old cousin, Griffin, was not so pleased with this second selection). The nature center was nice and cost absolutely nothing (although they did ask for a two dollar donation per person, and being the awesome people we are, we obliged). They had a little zoo-like area inside the actual nature center building that we checked out first. There were turtles and snakes and they said they had a flying squirrel but I didn't see one. >>

We did eventually make it on the actual trail, and at first it was pretty okay. The trail itself was pretty flat, although pretty narrow. Okay, it was really, REALLY narrow. I was very afraid my mom would fall over at some point because she has balance issues. D: We did fine until we were a little over halfway to the wetlands trail, our wondrous destination. Megan, my sister, had lost her shirt, so my dad ran back to see if he could find it (he ended up going back almost all the way to the nature center, I think). We (which was me, my sister, my mom, and Griffin, if you hadn't assumed that already) continued on and got tired really, really quickly. We each had a water bottle for ourselves, so we were good on the hydration front, somewhat. Our little bit of om-nom-nom-age had been eaten on the way to Birmingham by a certain growing boy....so we had nothing to eat. My dad caught up with us and we were all kind of like "OMG LET'S TURN AROUNDDDDD D:". Well, at least my mom and I were. Megan and Griffin were determined to see those darned wetlands. We eventually did make it, despite feeling like I was gonna collapse (Cap'n Crunch does NOT go as far as you might think). The wetlands WERE pretty, despite all the crap it took to get there. There were a couple of small ponds, complete with splashing things that we couldn't see (probably fish; maybe some alien species hiding on our planet, I don't know), tadpoles, and dragonflies. The tadpoles were absolutely ADORABLE, in my opinion. One even had itty bitty little arms! ....yes, I AM a girl. I'm allowed to coo over cute things. We got done with the wetlands kinda quickly though, 'cuz, well...y'know. We were tired. On the way back, Griffin and I went all AUTO-PILOT! and walked and walked and walked until we were back in the air conditioned nature center. xD Then he was awesome and got me chips from the vending machine (verrrrry yummy after I long walk, I must say). Slowly but surely, the rest of the group showed up and we were OUTTA THERE!

We attempted to check out this shopping-center-thing called the Pepper Place. It used to be a bottling plant for Dr. Pepper, but now it's just a bunch of tiny little shops, restaurants, and a theater. We only went to a couple of stores, though, 'cuz we were tired. On the way back, my dad was awesome and we stopped for milkshakes and fries at Mickey D's. :D Not too much, though because we were gonna have dinner semi-soon. It was almost five o'clock, I think. Walking the trail had definitely taken a lot longer than I thought it would.

SOOOO we did eventually get back. I'm pretty sure all the kids fell asleep in the car (I know I did), and we did pretty much that same thing when we came inside. After we ate our om-nom-nomy BLTs that were dinner, my mom discovered she had a tick. And then, when she was getting ready to take a shower, she found another one.

.....needless to say, I'm a little paranoid now.

Anyway, random question of the day: How do my earbuds manage to tie themselves in a knot?

Ponder on that for me.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDSSSS

Yeah, that's kinda how life is right now. Y'know, the censored version of the song that they use in commercials where they cut out the part about getting high. My friends don't help me do that.

ANYWAY MY FRIENDS (and a few family members) ARE FREAKING AMAZING.

The ones that talk to me on a semi-regular basis, anyway. The ones that don't are lamers.

You guys make me laugh and give me hugs. That last one might seem like a pretty little thing, but as affectionate as I am (yeah, I bet that catches everyone by surprise; the shy girl that keeps to herself and never touches anyone is AFFECTIONATE?!), hugs are kind of awesome all the time. Especially if they're warm or you smell good. xD

...that wasn't meant to be creepy. I'm sorry if it was.

But, unfortunately, where there are good friends, there are also some bad ones. You probably know the sort; they just seem to come to you when they need you, they're never there when you need them, and sometimes they don't talk to you at ALL. Yeah, those kinds of friends suck. And it kind of feels like a lot of my friends have turned into this sucky kind. Now, I know I don't attempt interaction with them much, but...I'm shy. I at least have a half-way reason to not do it. These guys are my friends, apparently, and they say they love me. Soo...where's the love?

I swear, even when I do attempt to reach out, I get ignored. Gah. Now they're all just gone. And it sucks so, so much.

But, that's okay. I still have a lot of friends that are awesome and will talk to me. ....not so many chick friends, but hey. Guys are less stressful, right? Right. Of course they are. I suspect most arguments that they have are about video games or something. Yes, they're stupid arguments, but still, they're better than what girls do. At the beginning of last school year, EVERYONE was fine with everyone else in my little circle-oblong-thing. By February, everyone was fighting with everyone else. Trying to get people together after Swirl was very difficult. Then things kind of got better...but....they're still not fixed. People are still being cruel to others, stating very clearly, where EVERYONE can see it, that there are BETTER things out there than a friend to another friend after a break up. People liking his new single status when it's obvious they just didn't like the girl. Maybe not helping someone's depression by not doing so. I dunno. I don't talk much to her anymore simply because I feel like I'm annoying her.

And so, I guess, my awesome friends are mostly guys at this point with a handful of ladies. But I think that's okay, 'cuz, well....hogawshguysarejustsomuchsimpler. ;____; I really hope I start hanging around more guys this year. I would much rather listen to them talk about Yu-Gi-Oh! (mostly because I'm still interested in it, just a little bit xD) and whatever mega-killing-military-y video games they might be playing than the girls fight and talk about each other behind their backs. I mean, yes, I know guys do it, too. But I'm also much more interested in the usual conversational items than what the girly-girls talk about.

So, plan for next school year:

Step 1: Attempt to stop being shy

Step 2: If step 1 is successful, continue on and make more guy friends. If step 1 is not successful, repeat until it is and then complete step 2.

Step 3: If the first two steps are successful, be happy! If they aren't, repeat until they work.

Step 4: ????????

Step 5: Profit.

....I think I might've screwed something up in that plan, but that's okay.

FRIENDS WHO ACTUALLY READ THIS! RAWR! I love you. C: