Thinking.

It's all I seem to be doing this morning. I guess that's what happens when the only ones up are you and your Papaw and neither of you are big talkers. I'm not even sure WHAT I'm thinking about. It kind of seems like a big mixing pot filled with everything. I recently stumbled upon a friend's blog and kind of spent a bit of last night and this morning reading pretty much all of it. I learned some stuff that I didn't know about them and now I just want to be closer. I want to know them better because I want to know the person that's wrote those entries. I don't feel like I do at all and it bothers me because I really care about them.

...and...yeah. This whole one-sided affection thing. He's been up thinking and thinking. I know it's not going to be about me. He's got some pretty big things happening in his life now like college and what he's going to do with his life. Those things are a lot more thought-provoking than little old me. Those things are downright terrifying in my opinion because I have no idea what I'm going to do. I love writing. I like science. I love singing. Only one of these could semi-guarantee a career, though. (And, hint hint, it's not one of the ones I love.) If I want to write or sing, I want a back-up plan. But...I really, really just want to do one of those. Or both. I don't know. I just want to be happy. And maybe sorta in his arms...but that's not happening today or anytime soon or ever. So I just have to deal with that.

And then there's just me. I've always been the quiet little girl that no one noticed. I had my couple of friends, then that was it. In middle school, it was a little bit more than that. Nearly the whole class was more or less friends with each other. It was pretty nice. Then we all got into high school and the class unity ended. People that used to say "hi Jenna!" don't even recognize me half the time anymore. I met new people, though, and made even more friends. My social circle-oblong-thing was probably the biggest it's ever been. Heck...I even managed to snag myself a boy freshman year (not that that was any big thing...gawsh, I don't regret it, exactly...but ugh). And this year started off pretty much like that. Seeing friends from the year before and getting to know them more. But then everyone started fighting and I was torn. I liked these friends, but they didn't like these friends anymore. I wanted to hang out with these people and these people, but they disliked each other. And while this happened, I found myself getting isolated. Slowly but surely, I felt that I was losing friends. It was just me and my best friend, Jade, half the time, plus whatever semi-friend-acquaintances I sat with at lunch. And then there was him and some people in band...but...I still felt utterly alone. The whole rock band thing helped, though. It made me feel like I was part of something and it gave me something to focus on other than school (because, honestly, half the time school is not challenging enough to keep me distracted for very long). I started reading a whole lot more again, too, to keep my mind off the real world. I disappeared into my room after school, started reading, then fell asleep about ten minutes in. Then I'd wake up, eat dinner, watch some TV, then go back to sleep. That was my routine for a long, long time. And I felt kind of okay about it, I guess, other than the occasional "OMG I'M WASTING MY YOUTH SLEEPING". After all that...I think I really was alone. No one was talking to me anymore. It was just me and Jade and Tony (freshman dude in band that is basically an adopted brother by now) on occasion. I shouldn't say that I felt alone with my best friend, but after all the people I was around before, after all their hilarity and adventures...I felt a little alone. It was scary to see it all just fall apart so quickly. And now I want to be more outgoing so I can make new friends, maybe REAL friends this time...and I can kind of feel it happening. I talk a little more. I actually had a conversation on the phone with someone that wasn't my mom for twenty minutes before I left. I haven't talked to anyone on the phone for more than ten minutes in ages. The only person that ever called me just to talk doesn't talk to me period anymore. It's really sad and I miss it, even though these awkward silences would come up where neither of us would know what to say. I'm not sure if this reaching out is me growing up or what. It kind of feels like it, just a little bit. Along with reaching out, I feel like I'm assuming this tomboy persona that I'm not sure I really fit. I mean, I'm definitely not a girly girl and I guess I have some more boyish qualities (hockey, the aggressiveness that comes with playing pretty much any sport, the not understanding of drama and such), but am I really a tomboy? I dunno. But now I'm kind of afraid to share anything that makes me seem utterly girly with anyone that I feel like sees me in the tomboy light. Ugh. I need to stop thinking. I need to get out and do something. Or someone just needs to be awake so I can be distracted by something other than the Internet and a lame SyFy (most stupid rename EVER) Channel movie.

Oh, and for most of this, one of our dogs, Madison, kept nudging my hand to pet her and making me screw up. It was kind of adorable, but really, really annoying at the same time. xD Just felt the need to share that.