It's only the first day....

....and already I'm falling back into my old patterns! I know I'm expecting too much of myself by thinking something will change already--as I said, tis only the first day--but holy CRAP, man! I do not want to do this again!

I have started getting to know people more so over the internet four times before getting to know them in real life. Okay, maybe a few more times than that, but basically? The most undiluted times that occured? Definitely those four times. One was Homar. That obviously didn't end well. (I'm STILL referring to him as Homar at times, of course it didn't end well.) The second is now my best friend (woot!) and the third and fourth are to remain nameless because I REALLY don't want to get into that. It's one o'clock in the morning and I NEED TO BE ASLEEP but I'm not. So I'm just not going to get into that. But one out of four? One fourth of the time? No, that's not good. Not good at ALL. And I'm pretty sure the only reason it worked out with my amazing biffle is that I was kind of forced to be around him due to band and the concert. So I got to be more comfortable around him.

BUT WITH THOSE OTHER THREE? NO WAY, MAN! I am WAY too nervous around any of them. It's because of how it went down with Omar. I know it is. We tried to...y'know..."date" (though I doubt it really counted as that on any level) and it didn't work. I was way too nervous around him and now I'm scared of doing it again. And it sucks!

Now? Now I'm talking to another person and getting to know them more over the internet a bit...although I don't think I can really consider it "getting to know them" when I'm just answering questions they ask. I don't really ask about them. Maybe it's a subconscious thing? I'm scared of it happening again, so I just answer their questions and ask few of my own? Or perhaps I want someone else to have that feeling I dread, so I'm trying to optimize the conditions. I don't know. Maybe I'm just overanalyzing this and they simply annoy me. I said before they kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Is this just an extension of that?

Gah. I swear sometimes, I'm gonna end up like Dora (Questionable Content reference, btw). I'll cripple myself emotionally with a bunch of stupid questions that no one else ever thinks in these sorts of situations.

I need to go to sleep. I need to stop asking myself all these questions.

But...The Green Mile is on, dude!! And this is the kind of stuff I wanna write--kind of scary, showing the horrors of humanity and such, but still making you feel okay at the end! Like Duma Key and The Dreamcatcher! (Why are all my references Stephen King books?!) I don't know! I want to write something good.

And with that little rant of unrelatedness, I bid you adieu.