Sunday, August 8, 2010

La dee da, no-stal-gee-a....

Dude, I did not even plan out that title. I just forgot what I was going to write (type?) about and forgot what to put there. So la dee da came out, then I remembered nostalgia....it worked out kind of well, didn't it?

....anyway. Blog post. Right.

I realized something really weird tonight. I was thinking about some friends (or, really, FRIEND) that I used to hang around a lottt back when school was in and stuff. And I was just lookin' at her profile a little (something I do once in awhile--wonder if I should send a message and try to reconnect, you see). I was thinking about how it used to be about six months ago. I was especially thinking about a picture that was taken back in January. It was at the WMCAT party, where everyone was supposed to be meeting the teachers or something and eating pizza. It was of all the girls (sans one Turek sister) together, happy, and more or less okay with one another. Now? Now, I have no idea what's going on anymore.

There it is.

But, seriously. What happened? We were all okay in this. We all loved each other. If anything, poor Nikki (pink plaid) was being teased at this time in secret about how many times she mentioned herself (whoops, was that supposed to stay secret?).

This picture was taken in January of this year. Yet so much has changed since then. See that hat on the girl with the pink glasses? That belonged to her boyfriend of the time, Dan. They had a messy break up and now neither of them can be around each other and there was some tension between both groups of friends for awhile. I even stood up for that girl to Sharron (preeetty scary girl sometimes, if you don't know 'er) because she was going to cause issues with being in the same room as Brittany (pink glasses). But at this time? They were joking around with each other just fine. They seemed to like each other a whole lot to me.

At this time, I thought maybe I still liked Omar a little. We actually had an awkward sit-on-the-couch-and-try-to-talk moment at this party, I think. Or maybe it was at a WMCAT class after this. I don't remember. Now, though....ohhhhh, now, I deeeefinitely don't like him like that. No, I've got another would-be-beau that I'm hoping will sweep me off my feet. (Beau? Good gawsh, I've been in the south a few too many times, haven't I?)

The girl to the right of me is Lucy. She and Anna (tall and right above me, of course) were best friends then, but something happened a little while after this and they were fighting. I never really understood why, other than Anna said that Lucy was causing too much stress, I guess? I don't know. But things weren't going so well for a while there. Lucy and Alyx had paired up, and talking about Anna more than I care to remember. They both made me so MAD. It was horrible for them to talk about her when she wasn't there. They made me realize how other people felt about Anna, too, and that made me even more upset. Now, though, they're friends again. Anna called Lucy her best friend, too. I was a little confused about this for a while, but after remembering all of this right this second? I'm really, really confused. But that's just how life works, isn't it?

The tall girl above Lucy? That's Alyx. She was dating Joe then. They seemed to like each other enough. Now? She's with Mister Homar (oops did I say that in my head aaaaand type it out?), who told me about a week or so before hooking up with her that he didn't want to love because he thought he had to hate to love and he didn't wanna hate....well, that certainly changed quick. If it's the real deal, though, I guess I can ignore the hypocrisy. But part of me doesn't really feel like it is....I dunno. That might be the bitter witch in me.

But I'm getting off subject here. I was looking at one of those girls' profiles and thinking "What happened?" It wasn't exactly sad or tragic...just wondering. Kind of nostalgic, I guess. But it happened not so long ago, so feeling nostalgic just doesn't feel right about it. You're supposed to feel nostalgia from your childhood, or high school once you're done with it, not while you're only a junior. (Note how I used "only". I feel that this isn't appropriate at ALL, because I certainly do not feel like I'm only a junior.) Anyhow, I just really, really miss the time in that picture, you know? It was more or less good. We were all alright with each other, with the exception of Miss Emily. We were all "I LOOOOOVE YOUUUUUU" like the dorks we were. Now, though....now I have NO idea what's going on anymore. But I guess I just have to deal with that.

That's okay, though. I have a bunch of cooler friends that hopefully won't cause issues. So, sorry, loves. It seems I don't need you now, but you'll always have a place in my heart. Promise.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Outgoing time? Uh-uh.

Today, I floated down the Muskegon river with my family and some friends. It was fun, I didn't lose my eyewear, and I don't think I got too sunburnt. Megan and I were in tubes while almost everyone else was paired off in canoes. About half way through the trip, though, Megan and I were both in the canoe with our tubes deflated a little bit to keep them in the boat better.

As we do every year, the group stopped a few times at spots where people could swim a little, eat and drink, and just generally socialize. At one of these spots, I sat in the shallower water and looked through the rocks for interesting things. Megan was standing near me and both of us were away from the other kids our age, staying by the canoe and our mom. My dad came over and told me it was outgoing time. I said no.

Then he tried to use my blog and talking about being more outgoing and stuff and I told him very flatly I didn't want to be social with them. No offense to those guys that were out in the water...but I don't like being around you much. I don't know why. You just rub me the wrong way most of the time. Sorry.

Part of this might be because I just don't know all of you that well. Part of it might be because you're the spacey airhead type that I don't appreciate being around a lot. Part of it might be because you refused to house one of my friends (your acquaintance) if she ever needed it after her mom died because "she's not your friend". Part of it might be because you're drinking (however little it may be) and you're my age. Technically, one of you is younger.

I dunno. I just don't want to be outgoing with you.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Lots of questions. Not so many answers.

Yeah, I've been wondering about this. Well, multiple this-es.

If someone you've known for two and a half years or so starts randomly talking to you both in real life and on Facebook, does that mean that maybe that someone likes you? :/ Especially if they talk to you every time you log into Facebook and send you messages when they don't see you online?

...waaaaait.....I do that.....so maybe I don't need that question answered. >>

If you fib about not feeling well enough to go out because you feel like you're going to have a panic attack if you do go out, does that make you a bad friend? Would you be less of a bad friend if you had just said "hey, I'm way too nervous about this, I don't think I can go"?

Is it normal to have mini-panic attacks when you go to hang out with someone new? And when you talk on the phone?

What does it mean when you make plans with someone else and they don't make you panic at all? Does that mean that you're just more comfortable with them? That you're closer? That you want to be around them enough that you overcome the panic attack feeling?

Does every teenager wonder about this stuff? 'Cuz I'm starting to feel a little alone. Do they all think about the far future and worry? Do they worry about never finding someone special and ending up alone? Do they worry about not finding someone special soon enough to fit into their mental plan? Is it normal to have a mental plan at all?

Is all this worry normal? Am I crazy? Or just overanalyzing like usual?

Why haven't I watched as much Shark Week this week as I would have liked?

Why hasn't he messaged me back? Did I come off too strong? Have I ruined everything? Am I just worrying too much again? Why can't I deal with friendship?

Why do I feel like writing but have no words? I want to write about Jeremy and Aaron because they are cute and I loves them. Why can't I think of another cute scene to write out? Probably because my Jeremy is ignoring me....youdidn'tjustreadthat. Just fyi. It was your imagination. Your eyes are tricking you. You're high on something. Insert other lame excuse here.

Why can't I just let this all go?

Why can't I relax?

Why can't I stop worrying?

Why does everything have to change?

Why why why why why why WHY?

..........

I like....

So, Bruce had a blog about the stuff heeee liked and it cheered me up and made me want to write my own "I like" blog. So. Here it is. :D

I like.....
listening to my music with the volume turned pretty much all the way up. It hurts my ears at first, but then they go just a little deaf and it's okay. Then I can't hear the overpowering silence in my head. :)

I like.....
how something as random as actually sitting down and reading someone's blog post for once can cheer me up! And give me something to write about, too. YAY BRUSKI! ...or however one might spell that.

I like.....
how yummy my bagel sandwich was after not eating since breakfast.

I like....
being outside even when I usually get headaches from the pollen. I like it when it's cool enough out for jeans but warm enough for a t-shirt.

I like.....
reading a Stephen King novel. I don't do it much for the scares anymore--I've gotten a little used to those, I think--but his writing makes me smile. He has an awesome way of showing the character's backstories and having them come back to haunt said characters. I think those parts are my favorite parts of the books. c:

I like.....
that someone liking one of my posts can make me so happy.

I like.....
that Shawn is possibly the funniest fake-psychic detective I know. Or, er, watch on TV.

I like.....
how Shark Week teaches the same basic lesson in seven days: If the water you're planning on swimming in has sharks and you don't want to get attacked, then by Jove, DON'T SWIM IN THAT WATER. geez.

I like......
the Nanny McPhee trailer. But only because it has "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" playing in the background. :D Otherwise it's become a little tiring.

I like.......
that I'll probably have a lot less swelling from the removal of my wisdom teeth when orientation rolls around than I could've had. Yaaaaaaay for no chipmunk cheeks when I see people at school for the first time in months!

I like.......
how none of my things sound quite as nice as Bruce's did. He's a better writer than I, it seems.

I like......
cuddling with my dogs when I'm sad. Madison always seems to know just when I need her. ...and ignore me the rest of the time. But that just makes her cuddling when I need it thaaat much more appreciated.

I like......
how this Sunday, I'll be seeing three people I know from three different places in the same play. I never thought my school life and church life would overlap, but lookit that! Rachel from church is in a play with Lucy from school and even Bucket from EGR is thrown in there. Huh. Whodathunkit.

I like......
coincidences that lead to blogs.

I like......
small things that lead to big smiles.

I like.......
staying up late and enjoying the quiet all around me.

I like......
Disney's way of showing happy endings, even if said happy endings may have screwed up my view of love foreverrrr (newsflash: Ariel's marriage at sixteen is NOT normal!).

I like.....
how nice it felt to write this.

Ahhhhh, it's always good to write a little randomness, isn't it? I think so. It makes everything better~~ Remember, guys: Stress kills.

......

(yes I stole that from the leprechaun shutuuuuuuup)

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Dear Spider

Dear Spider,

I was very surprised to look up and see that you were hanging down from the ceiling on an invisible string of web next to my head. I am impressed that you managed to stay out of my way while I was dancing about to Silversun Pickups. While it is great that you achieved this feat, you are still in my house. And spiders aren't allowed inside, silly. So, I had to smoosh you between two DVD cases because I couldn't find any tissue. I'm sorry and hope there aren't any bad feelings between us.

Wishing you the best,
Jenna

ps. I think I've been reading too much thxthxthx. But that's okay.


Monday, August 2, 2010

Two sides to every coin, right?

I'm so torn between happy and freaking depressed right now.

I made someone's night just by saying "OH HEY YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T ACTUALLY SEVENTEEN UNTIL 10:03PM, SO HERE'S ANOTHER HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" and being so cute I made an Emily laugh, apparently. And I wrote a long scene thing about these two new characters I love to death now (see Authorly, now conveniently linked in the sidebar thing there, for more information). I got ice cream and I relaxed all day! WHY SHOULDN'T I BE ECSTATIC OR AT LEAST CONTENT?!

On the flip side, I'm also taking someone's "why aren't more girls unique" a little too personally. Why aren't a lot of us unique? BECAUSE BEING LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IS A COMFORT THAT THE MORE INSECURE OF US ENJOY. BECAUSE, SOMETIMES, WE JUST NEED TO PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE TO FEEL LIKE WE CAN LIKE OURSELVES. OKAY? And it's not our fault, darnit.

Of course, on top of that, I'm freaking out about not fitting an image they want and being depressed over that and NYAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

I want someone to hold me but the only person that would be more than willing to at this point, I think, would cause me to have some sort of panic attack. Maybe. I don't know.

Anxiety sucks so much.

Fun facts.

Fun facts for today include:

-First post of the new month! w00t?

-Yelling doesn't help. At all. It might make you feel better...but oooohhhhhh gawsh does it make the rest of us frustrated.

-Zomb sounds kind of fun, but also slightly terrifying.

-My mom will break stalkers in half.

-I hate anxiety.

-I want to see friends.

-I don't want to see friends.

-I do NOT want to have to deal with hubs and kctc and all the other crap I have to do this school year.

-I am going to be eighteen next year. WHAT THE HECK.

-A bunch of people that are younger than me have/are getting their licenses. If I wasn't so worried about taking the stupid test, I would be taking it tomorrow because it makes me so frustrated.

-I freaking love writing.

-Jeremy and Aaron are my new favorite characters.

-I lost my pen. Again.

-This is weirdly therapeutic? And maybe a little more interesting for you to read then me whining about my life?

-I have several mosquito bites around my ankles. Apparently the yummiest blood is there.

-I have a feeling an encounter with a vampire might be weird if that's true.

-I LOVE YOU!

That is all.