Eight-legged freaks! O________O

I took on a huge spider yesterday and I emerged victorious. And I did it without screaming my head off, too.

Well, I guess I didn't scream at first because I didn't realize it was a spider. It was kind of crumpled up the first time I saw it, so I thought that if it was a spider, it was already dead. Then I came back around (I was walking like we're supposed to at the beginning of gym, you see) and, well...I saw that it was indeed a spider at it was not dead. Still, I did not scream...just widened my eyes a little. I thought about killing it, but then what would I take care of the remains with? No one else seemed to notice it but me and Evan (thank GOOOOOOOOD) so no one let loose any blood-curdling screams. A couple of girls nearly stepped on it, though. It was kind of funny that even though it was soooo close to the path everyone follows when they walk, it was neither noticed nor stepped on.

But I decided that I better take care of it before someone else saw it, so I asked the one of the teachers, Mr. Ware, if I could have a tissue. He looked around and couldn't find any, then asked if I wanted to go get some. I explained about the spider and he gave me some gauze pads instead. Well, it was time to stretch at this point and I didn't want to lose points, so I ran over and stretched while Mr. Ware looked for the spider. I could still see it from probably ten feet away on the floor (yeah, it was THAT big) and so when we were done with stretches and moving on to the next portion that would most certainly mean the spider would be found, I ran over and squished it.

And BOY, was it gross. The only part that really seemed to get crushed was the abdomen, which burst and left a gross white goo behind. The legs were still stickin' up like it would scuttle away, nothing wrong...and it was GROSS. But I wiped it up with the gauze, tossed it in the trash, and went about gym like normal.

I was a hero to a gym class of people I didn't really like and none of them really knew it other than Evan and Mr. Ware. wtf. xP

Also, super side note: WHAT THE HEY I THINK I HAVE A FOLLOWER I DON'T KNOW? O____O Welcome, Rebecca. If you are someone I know that I'm just not thinking of, please let me know. I'd feel terrible if I kept thinking that you were some stranger I randomly gained as a follower. xD

I'm thankful for a lot of things.

Most of them being awesome people.

But right this second? Right now, right in this moment, I'll be really thankful if Madison ends up being alright. Because her raspy breathing, inability to get comfortable, red, irritated skin and vomiting is kind of scaring me. Especially because it's not the first time this month it's happened. It's getting to be kind of terrible. I can't tell if this snoring is how she usually snores or if it's worse than usual.

I feel sort of silly asking for well wishes for my dog, but...she's part of the family, nonetheless, so...if you would, please send 'em this way. I think our old girl could use them.



(Also, this is my sister's picture. Not mine. :p)

There goes that plan.

Oi. So, y'know how I had a grand old plan of how I was going to go to Michigan State, do the English major with a music minor la-dee-da, world's perfect? Well now I don't know if I want to do that anymore because DARNIT I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't know if it's terrible that I worry about this now or not, but what if I don't worry about it now and I need to? What if I don't and I just burn myself out wondering? It's terrible. I don't know what to do. At all.

I love to write. I really do. But I can't finish anything big to save my life. And I don't know how well I could turn that into something that would keep me off the streets and making money, y'know? I don't want to do any of that nonfiction stuff because I'm horrible at it. And I don't like writing it. But I don't know if it's me being picky and just "eeeehhhh, I don't really care to do that, so I won't" or if I'd turn into someone that completely hates their job or what!

And I'm so happy when I sing. I don't know if I'm nearly good enough to go anywhere with it, despite somebody saying I'll go far with it (Was he being nice? Was he speaking the truth?), but I do think it'd be kind of great to be able to do that. I mean, I look at bands and singers I like and think "Wow, I could be like that some day." Of course, being the little introvert I am, I don't know if that'll ever happen, but who knows? I don't, that's for sure.

But I also like taking things apart and science and even sometimes math. (I know, real shocker, but it's logical and always has a right answer, okay?) Based on the stuff I've seen my dad do and from Wasted Talent (lovely journal comic by a Canadian engineering gal) that might be right up an engineer's alley. Or maybe I could do something in chemistry or biology or something. I don't know.

That's pretty much the whole premise of this post: I have no idea what I'm doing here. And the college letters that have been arriving almost every other day, it seems? Not helping. Not helping at all. I have a million things I'd like to learn more about, only a vague idea of where I might learn them, and absolutely no idea how I'm going to pay for it all.

Which kind of brings me to the in-state-out-of-state thing. I personally would like to stay in state so I won't have to pay any nasty non-resident tuitions. 'Cause, really, I don't want to pay more money. But if they decide to give me a full ride, well...that would certainly be a different story. :p

And...and...AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. I have no job, no idea what I want do to, no nothin', which, yes, is a double negative, but you get what I mean. I don't know what I want to do with my life. At all. I need to figure out that one thing that I absolutely LOVE doing and can't live without and then implement it into the work force. And that shouldn't be too hard, right? e___e

I want to crawl in a hole.

And stay there until it's time for me to graduate.

It probably wouldn't be that hard, would it? I mean, two of my classes are either partially or completely online anyway. Why not just do that year round? I'm sure I'll be good to go when June 2012 comes around. I'm just kind of tired of dealing with school, you know? The people, the stupid conversations, the tests, the teachers, the work, I really, really don't want to deal with it!

And seriously! What happened to collecting more less stressful guy friends, hm? It seems more like I just said "WHELP! All these people suck and I'm afraid I don't quite fit in with these people half the time, so let's just sit by myself at lunch!" Not that I don't like sitting on the floor in my corner. Helped my Russian speaking practice a tad today.

And...and...ugh! Love, guys, gals, all that crap! Do not want to deal with. But the thoughts will not go away and IT'S FRUSTRATING. I just wanna focus on school or having fun or having friends and what do I do instead? Worry whether or not someone likes me and throw a mental tantrum when it seems they probably don't. Geez, I'm such a child. Notice I said "child" and not "kid." I don't mind being a kid, but being a child? Being childish? Yeah, that I don't like so much.

Y'know what? SCREW THE PHYSICS TEST. I will just write some sort of BS on an index card and just answer the questions best I can. I don't give a rat's behind anymore.

(yes you do liar)

Gall, I've been reading too much Stephen King.

*kicks wall several times*

I'm...just...urrrrrrrgh. Wishing that it was Christmas break coming up, not Thanksgiving. I'd much rather look forward to more time off and presents than a five day weekend and stuffing my face.

*crawls in hole*

K, until I can get my classes online, I need someone to take stuff to and from school for me. Any volunteers?

Today has been tiring.

But I didn't do anything! I didn't even get up really early or go to bed late last night. I guess it could be because I haven't gotten as much sleep as I should have and actually sleeping well is freaking out my system? I dunno.

I was also ravenous today. Like, really, really hungry. That was also weird. I hope it means I'm hankerin' for growth spurt, 'cause, well...that'd be great. :D Kate grew in her freshman year of college, so why can't I grow in my junior year in high school?

Ummmmm........I dunno. Weirdness today? I dunno.

ALSO. WHAT IS UP WITH A COUNTDOWN TO ABC FAMILY'S COUNTDOWN? I admit I kind of enjoy a little bit of Christmas here and there, but it isn't even Thanksgiving yet! I don't want to be tired of Christmas before it even gets here! Ugh!

Haikus have also kind of been floating around in my head still. I had one in my noggin yesterday but didn't get to paper quick enough to write it down. But, whatever. I'm alright with that.

I also left a note for someone in a library book that I returned the other day. Hopefully, they'll get that book first...hopefully, if they don't, the person that does get it will replace the note like I asked...if not, well, then...poop.

I'm also very, very, very behind in my novella for NaNoWriMo. xD Although, if I'm shooting for only thirty thousand words...I'm doing great! About sixty percent done, I think. It's making me feel great. :D

Aaaaaaaaaaaand....I think I have stuff to do for the Crucible. But I'm too tired to read anymore right now and I need to read to do the work, sooo...Nenna ain't getting any work done today. Oh wells. I'll make stuff up later or something.

Also, I've been reading a lot of The Bitchy Waiter lately. He's kind of hilarious, but I also never, ever want to work with food and people ever. Which sucks because apparently Barnes and Noble almost never hires anyone under eighteen. Anyone have any job suggestions for me?

I now have a headache, too. Urgh. It's time for bed, I think.

I's a haikubot.

'S a reference to a book. Idlewild series. Go read it. It's great.

Anyway, I got on a haiku spree today for some reason. And I thought I'd share some with you guys. :D (I would put these on Authorly, but it seems like no one ever pays attention to that. I feel so bad for the poor dear. :c)

Caffeine
Crashing like a plane
Out of sky, down to the Earth
Gosh I'm tired

...is tired one syllable or two? I can never really tell. ;__;

Progress 1
I weep for progress
I thought you would beat this habit
It's back to square one

Progress 2
Again, I weep now
The lengths you made are now gone
Tut tut, looks like rain

Edenborn: Penny
Haikubot wins all
Always seeing what is there
Penny is a bitch

Edenborn: Deuce
I sit and I watch
Learn you better than you know
I'm not a creeper

Midnight Showing
Sleep deprivation
Makes me write haikus a lot
Huh, how weird is that?

Green-eyed
Mountain Dew, green can
Like my eyes, a monster comes
I want to be them

Cute
I say you are cute
You just don't look it, do you?
But you sure act it

Central
I know ignorant
Has been used incorrectly
But you's ignorant

Half-Blood
"I wub Won-Won"
Lavender says, all in love
She must have a cold

Neither Here nor There
I smile shyly here
Want to murder your face there
I like here better

Russian
телеви3op дом
бабушка кровати кресла
That's just nonsense there

Burn Her
We're not in Salem
Yet I hear persecution
She's a witch, a witch!

Harry P vs. Escape the Fate
Proud to miss movies
Freaking out about concerts
Teenagers are weird


(The Russian one says "television home grandma bed armchair", btw. xD)

Also:

I think someone should make a photocopy of Shawn Spencer as he is now (y'know, slightly more mature, realizing things, etc) and make him about seventeen or eighteen. And let me have him.

:D

....I needs more Psyyyyyyyyyyyych....

Pretty Woman's on, btw.

I've never understood sleeping with someone in high school.

I mean, other than pretty much being a bad idea in case of teen pregnancy and crap, it's the most awkward time of your life. You're still learning about yourself and all that, so...why throw sex in there to make it even more complicated? And high school relationships don't last that long...so if you sleep with someone, there's a good chance you'll break up, and then...then you have to go to school with someone that's seen you naked and you're not dating. How awkward is that? I just don't get it.

This also applies to moving in. (No offense meant to people that have done this, but...) If high school relationships are already short, you'll be in their house, what, a few months? Then you're broken up and everything's terrible. And you have to move. Who wants to move after a break up in high school? I've only dealt with one so far and I just wanted to curl up in a ball. Unless the person was a complete jerk, I think that my reaction was pretty common for most break ups. And how are you supposed to deal with someone all the freaking time during this time? Like I said, awkward as frick, and I dunno...I don't think I could handle being with my boyfriend almost 24/7. I could barely handle it with him hanging off me at school all the time. (Affection's great and all, but...)

Blaaaaaaaaaaargh. And. I dunno. People are silly when it comes to this stuff sometimes, y'know? I mean, isn't this supposed to be practice? And wouldn't you want to work out all the really important parts of a relationship before you throw in living together and sex? We're only high schoolers, guys. We don't need that stuff on top of school and bullies and getting prepared for college and finding jobs and all that. A significant other should be someone you can relax with and that takes your stress away, right? In my opinion, living together and sleeping with each other does not take stress away, but add a whole lot more.

And it's stupid to try and right something when it goes completely to crap. You have to catch your mistake before they leave, not after. Don't be House. Don't push it to the limit to see when it breaks.

I dunno. I'm not very happy how something is turning out like it did for me. But, y'know, worse, because more stuff was thrown in there. And they actually saw each other. But, look! In the long run, I guess not seeing him made it better for me. Less clinginess.

...right?

Also, I am going to be so mad if this ends up starting all over again.

Good news, bad news.

Good news: The angry red bump on my nose is clearing up!
Bad news: Two more have appeared.

Good news: I've nearly hit ten thousand words for my NaNoWriMo "novel!"
Bad news: I'm supposed to be at about fifteen thousand by now. xD

Good news: I've decided I don't care about being behind! I'm writing an itty bitty novella now and shooting for about 30,000 words.
Bad news: This means I get no prize for NaNoWriMo. xD

Good news: I'm being mature! I'm doing a good thing! I'm moving on!
Bad news: I could very well be lying to myself and only doing it to feel better/get someone back. I'm probably going to be accosted by people I care about for this like I was for apologizing to Micah and Kevin way back when. (Apologizing to Kevin I don't exactly regret; I wish I would have punched Micah.)

Good news: Zoe's talkin' to meeeee!
Bad news: She's telling me I'm wrong. wtf.

Good news: I'm pretty sure I definitely have a crush! :D This makes me happy!
Bad news: It's never going anywhere because I don't want what's happened two out of three times to happen again. All three times were a disaster, actually, if you look at the complete end result.

Good news: I can kind of joke about being a homewrecker!
Bad news: I kind of was once. Rachel and Omar. Gah.

And...that's it. Even though I wrote both...I think I'm going to have to focus on the good. 'Cause otherwise I'ma think I'm a banana tree.

(bonus points to the person who gets that reference thar)

....

(remember, you want those bonus points so you don't die ;D)

Will it never end?

Okay, so the emo apparently isn't ending tonight, either. But tonight it's not my own angsty feelings I'm worried about. I'm more worried about the crap some of my "friends" (yeah, I'm usin' quotation marks, bitches) may have put my mom through. And with "lol" attached, too.

God, can you people not read?

She is obviously my mom. Telling an adult to grow up is freaking retarded and disrespectful, especially when they're just telling you that they had a freaking meltdown from having to go through their recently deceased mother's clothes. How would you like it if someone told you to grow up after going through your dead parents' belongings when you just weren't ready yet? If she wants to be pissed, by God, I think she has the right to be pissed. It might not be the best way to take care of her anger, but you know what? You grow up and understand. You don't have to condone it, but at least don't tell her to freaking grow up.

Before, I was pissed you pushed off telling us about it until nine o'clock. Now? Now I'm ready to punch someone for hurting my mom.

Ah, shizz. Please excuse the language. I'm channelin' a Runaway or something.

Tonight is not where the emo stops.

I am in a horrible, horrible mood and hating on myself and everything else. So, tonight, I'm gonna be a little emo. Of course, now that I'm actually writing, my minibreakdown has completely stopped, but hey, whatever. Basic idea is still there.

People are retarded. Especially when they make last minute decisions on shizz. It's freaking ridiculous and ruins my fun. Ruins a lot of peoples fun, actually. Some people were actually looking forward to college day. It was even stated that hey, a lot of people don't have stuff that would fit retro day. SO WHY CHANGE IT? And even if you were going to change it, for the love of God, ANNOUNCE IT WHEN EVERYONE'S IN THE FREAKING BUILDING. SHOULD THAT NOT BE YOUR FIRST CONCERN, THAT EVERYONE GETS THE MEMO? Gawsh. I hate being in a hub because NO ONE TAKES YOU INTO CONSIDERATION. The teachers can't do retakes because you're not available three days a week (or four, if you're in WMCAT, too) and so the only day you can do ANYTHING EVER is Friday and NO ONE WANTS TO STAY AFTER ON FRIDAY.

This is STUPID. I kind of like being able to meet kids from different schools and I've adjusted well, but that part? That part is just STUPID.

And then there's my emo alone feelings. I'm being stupid about them, I know. The alone bit is my fault, too, because I hardly ever reach out to anyone. But...I feel like sometimes I'm being forced to reach out all the time. It's always "Jenna, why don't you come sit with us?" instead of people just plopping down beside me. I know it's the floor, guys, but it's really not that bad. The only people that ever sit by me on the floor are Jade and the random girls from an earlier post. Jade doesn't come to school much anymore, so I'm pretty much on my own there.

And it seems like everyone always gets the support and encouragement they need to not go crazy...except me. Again, this is kind of my fault, I guess, because I'm so internal...but I'm not that internal, am I? I let people know when I'm upset enough. If you know me, you know the signs.

But then again, that's the problem, isn't it? No one really knows me anymore and I never see the people that do know me. I guess I'm kind of coming out of my shell, but not fast enough.

And...and...I wanna protect my little sister, I really do. Some idiot girl at school called her an ugly ho, and although I know who the girl is and she's even in my gym class (obnoxious Marissa, for those of you that have gym with me), but a part of me that is too much in control doesn't want to get in trouble or hurt myself. (Of course, the maybe-so-maybe-faux fact of her having a parole officer and assaulting a thirty-five year old woman twice doesn't help my hesitation, either.)

I'm just not in a good mood tonight/today and I can't sleep because I'm upset and I really wish I'd stop feeling like I only have two people on my side sometimes.

And I really, really, really, really want a hug.

WHAT THE HEZZICKS.

DOES NO ONE KNOW WHAT CRITIQUE MEANS ANYMORE. I WANT TO SEE SOMETHING THAT'S WRONG WITH MY WRITING AND FIX IT.

Maybe I should ask Mrs. Williams if she'll help me. 'Cause I feel like I must be doing something wrong. I have to, right? Right.

Ahhhhhhh I want to be able to write more but MY BRAIN IS DEAD FOR WRITING!

NOOOOOOOOOO!

I STILL HAVE 45,000 WORDS TO WRITE.

NOOOOOOOOOO!

....I'ma watch the Redwings now. ;___;

(....I'm talking about NaNoWriMo, btw. If that makes it make more sense.)

Blah blee bloo.

I GOT TALKED TO TODAY.

I FEEL KIND OF LIKE MARTEN.

DON'T GET IT?

GO HERE. THE FIRST FEW COMICS SHOULD BE ENOUGH EXPLAINING, I THINK.

....gosh I'm so weird.

BUT I WAS TALKED TO.

PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I FLOAT AROUND ON AIR AND CONTINUE TO NOT-WRITE FOR NANOWRIMO, DESPITE THE DOCUMENT BEING OPEN.

....eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

(....that was more of a Dora noise than a Marten noise.)