I'm kind of sad that I've apparently lost someone as a friend. I mean, even if we didn't really hang out or anything...it's just really sad to go from talking and saying that we loved one another to being completely ignored. I don't care if I shouldn't care about people that don't want to be my friends. Even if you tell me they're not worth my time, I'm gonna care that I lost a friend. I'm just like that, okay? And eventually, I'll probably get over it. But right now, I want to care. It makes me feel more like me and I don't like to play pretend like that. Y'know, fairy princesses and stuff I can do, but not like that.
It was kind of brought to my attention that this lost friend (further known as Si for reasons that are mostly my own) was asked to help plan a surprise for my birthday and had a bit of an outburst about it on the internets. Now, I don't know if Si was actually upset about that or not, but from the information I was given, it kind of seems that way. I can see where they're coming from, kind of. I'm nice to people a lot of the time and it rarely comes back to me. I can see getting frustrated about it, especially if you're more open and out there about it. But part of me just can't help but wonder, was it because it was me? Because it was my birthday? I know, it's terribly narcissistic, but I just can't help it! It's a reasonable and logical conclusion at this point, isn't it? But I don't know. Maybe Si was venting about something else. I can't really say because Si doesn't talk to me. I thought that I was loved and adored and it'd stay that way, but maybe that's what Anna and Luce thought, too. And things certainly were broken for them, weren't they?
A slightly related note: The day before last, people were all discussing being alone and friendless over break. One person was assured they would not be so because they'd hang out and ice skate! I made a quiet comment that I probably would be, meaning it only to be half-joking (because, honestly, how social am I? My birthday and the New Year's things will probably be the extent of my social gatherings the next couple of weeks). The person that was assured asked me why while other people continued to discuss ice skating and I responded with a quick glance towards the assumed culprit for what seems to be a bit of social isolation. I was pleased because my subtlety was picked up on and understood. That person said that the two of us could just hang out or something, then, and I was just a bit more happy. I was a little less happy, though, when someone I talked to more didn't get how or when things sort of 'sploded...that was kind of sad, really.
But the whole point of this? I want to apologize. I want to be better and all that, but my pride's in the way. And I'm afraid to talk to Si because...well...what if they laugh in my face? Or just think I'm trying to make myself feel better? It's partly that, of course, but...I don't know. Maybe it's all that. I just want to be a good person that most people like, you know? And I hate that someone might still be mad at me, even when I apologized...I mean, did I do something else wrong? What was it? Can I fix it? I want to know so I don't do it again. I want to know so maybe I can't have some epiphany, see that either one of us is clearly in the wrong...and get on with my life. Maybe I need to write about it. Writing about it seems to make everything so, so much better.
I think I might be writing a short tale similar to this. Then anything I want can happen. It may or may not end up on Authorly, once it's been finished...but then again, no one ever reads that, right? So what's the point?
I know I've said it time and time again, but arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh I don't like people. :/
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