Reasons I should not talk on the phone.

Number one: I like to try to multi-task and fail epically. Usually this includes the Internet or the television.

Number two: I like to nod. Unfortunately, my head does not rattle nor does it have a bell attached.

Number three: Related very much to the last one, I'm a facial expression kinda person.

Number four: I get mini-anxiety attacks kind of with those awkward silences. And also when I talk to anyone that I haven't talked to constantly on the phone with before, aka my mom, dad, Megan, or Brittany.

Number five: I don't talk. Ever.

Number six: Uh...I dunno. I just wanted another blip on the list.

Side note: I lost my awesome pen and feel like crying. Stupid girly frustration instincts and writerly attachments.

Other side note: This comic right here is by this awesome guy I believe is named Joe. I don't know him at all, other than through his awesomesauce comics thar, but I know he's got anxiety issues like moi and I think maybe a couple extra views might make him happy? I dunno. But go forth, you three people that read this semi-regularly! Make 'im happy. Ish.

Eehee.

I'm so blissful.

....gawsh, this is gonna SUCK when reality hits, isn't it? Of course it is.

Pfft. Oh well~

Today....

.....was uneventful and yet eventful.

I woke up really late compared to most of this week, when I was up around the same time as my sister who had to get to a class at WMCAT by ten o'clock (which of course meant afternoon naps!). I was expecting to spend most of the day in my pajamas because I didn't think we had anything to do. To my surprise, we ended up going to the movies! And we saw Despicable Me. And it was funny. And I think Agnes should've been a bigger character than Margo 'cuz she was cuter and I liked her better. C: The theater/auditorium/whatever was really full, too, because it was so tiny. Celebration Cinema South' theater number four = bad. There were also a bunch of probably-middle-school-aged boys behind us that were kind of annoying and kicked my seat a few times. And I thought it was funny that you could tell who hadn't gone to the movies lately by listening to who laughed at what trailers (namely the Tangled one; Flynn Rider getting schooled by hair is only funny so many times).

Then, we got invited out the the Johnsons' to take part in the impromptu barbecue. We brought the dogs over and they played with Tucker. Madison showed him who was boss and got a lot of compliments from Bruce, surprisingly enough (the compliments, not the Tucker-beating). We had yummy food that was made by grill master Bruce and a good time was had. Even Rich (loserfaced social studies teacher hockey guy) showed up with his kids, who were afraid of lil old Madison the toothless wonder.

All in all, today was pretty good. ^__^

Oh, and I saw the evil moving goat. It, of course, found a new place to sit.

And somebody mentioned Google ads for my blog. Apparently, after the first hundred dollars, I get money (or maybe I heard wrong?)? This might be a good idea. But, the question is, would you guys click them every day for me? Hmmmm. I don't think so. :/

AND I GET TO GO TO THE MOVIES (i think) AND THE BONFIRE TOMORROW! HA HA!

Animated dogs and remembering their names.

So, I found the tail-end (hahahahahahahah) of All Dogs Go to Heaven on TV and now I'm watching the sequel. :D And I found that I could actually remember the villain's name (Carface, if you don't remember/haven't seen it). I was gonna try to go to sleep before midnight...but now...yeah, I'm staying up to watch my movie. :3 (Despite owning it on DVD and everything.)

I was also pleased that the first four images that came up on the Googles image search were actually Carface the dog and not Scarface or a car with a face on it.

............

That's it.

:D

On a lighter note:

Granola and vanilla yogurt make a surprisingly good two-thirty in the morning snack.

:D

Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.

(Bonus points if you recognize that.)

Bad: That's the best way to describe tonight. This early morning. Whatever.

Got back from hanging out at a cottage on Lake Michigan with my dad's boss and coworkers. That was fun. We went swimming and there were waves that were almost as tall as me (not saying much, I know, but it was cool). There was yummy food and even the kids weren't that difficult to deal with. They were heavy, though, for however-old-they-are-year-olds.

But when I got back...I dunno. Reality, my stupid overanalyzing habit, whatever it is, just came rushing back. I started feeling really bad because I already made plans with a friend to do something Sunday after the family reunion and then I got invited to go to the movies with...well...YOU know and some other people, and I really, really wanted to go to that, even though the bonfire sounded really fun, too. I sent the friend a message earlier about how I was feeling conflicted and crap and she told me she was cool with it if I wanted to go to the movies instead, there'll be more bonfires....but I always thought that I wouldn't be that stupid girl who puts boys before her friends. I mean, I KNOW I haven't talked to this friend in awhile, but this get-together on Sunday could change that, y'know? I could have some of my normalcy back.

But then, I almost NEVER SEE him. And we're both tight on money, so there's not a whole lot either of us know what to get together for...and I'll see the friend every day at school. He's all gradamatcated. He said he'd visit, but...I dunno. He's moving on, I think. I really, really don't want him to because I don't think I could handle it.

Which of course made me go down the road of his love-obsession thing that he's not too happy with himself about. I KNOW it's not me, but there's always that intellectual-emotional disconnection there...and it just leaves me with this little hope that maybe, just MAYBE it'd be me. Then reality hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel like crap. Much like tonight.

Then, of course, he posts about what a great mood he's in. And I feel like shiiiiiiiiiiizz 'cuz somebody else made him happy, maybe it was her, la la la green monster of doom attacking. And I absolutely HATE myself for that because I have no right to be jealous. We are FRIENDS, darnit. Nothing more. I've got it through my thick skull, now I just have to get it down to my silly romantic heart.

Of course, I found something else that made me just burst into uncontrollable sobs (which had to be softened to make sure no one woke up, of course). I'm only freaking sixteen. Why do I take all of this so seriously? I don't need to be doing this sort of crap now. I don't need to be looking for the love of my life right now. I AM NOT ARIEL. I will not find my prince before my seventeenth birthday. Disney has corrupted my head. Gaaaaaaaaagh. I just wish that I could be one of those girls that flirts all the freaking time and then maybe I wouldn't take this all so seriously. Honestly? I think I flirt on accident sometimes. I see it as just me being friendly, but, uh, it's taken the wrong way, I think. I dunno. I think I'm egging on a slightly-creepy kid by being nice. ;___;

But...the uncontrollable sobs did help. It was a pretty good cry, and I do feel better now. I still have no idea what the heck to do about anything, but I feel better. I wish I could just have a cry like this on command sometimes and not feel like I have to do it in private. Stupid culture or society or whatever it is that makes us think we need to be ashamed of crying. Stupid stupid stupid.

Oh, long post. Haven't had one of these in awhile. Huh.

...I wonder if that What's-His-Face'll come back. If you do, What's-His-Face, I hope you actually do find my blog to be...uhm..."hot" and enjoy reading it. Sorry I don't find yours completely intriguing. D:

Reading leads to realizations.

So, I was reading my awesome lawyerly book this evening because it's awesome and I wanna know who the rose killer is. While reading, I stumbled across something that was said by the husband of one of the victims. He said, "But knowing something intellectually and dealing with it emotionally are two different things." He was talking about the feeling of guilt that he couldn't protect his wife from being kidnapped and tortured. This is a completely random line from a pretty darn good book, but I feel like I finally understand why I have issues with certain emotion-y things. It's because even if I do get it in my head, I don't get it in my heart and that scares me.

Not much of a blog, but something I wanted to put out there. Mhm.

Oh, and the book's called Gone, But Not Forgotten by Phillip Margolin, if you were wondering. He also wrote a book called The Burning Man, I think, that I have and liked, too.

Spontaneity might not be the word, actually.

Usually I'm not very spontaneous. I like things to be the same and planned because, well, it's easier and less stressful that way. Lately, though, I've felt the need to do something completely random and crazy because otherwise I felt like I might go crazy. First, about, I dunno, April or so, I guess, I drew little random "tattoos" on my arms in sharpie (because I didn't have any temporary tattoos). I did that again a little later in the school year when I felt like I was going to cry. It gave me something to focus on when everyone was busy and I needed to not go nuts. It worked, but I had to wash it all off because it was hotter out then (it was at the end of May, I think) and the marker didn't like to stay on my uber-dry skin quite as well. Next, I wanted to...well...cut a lot of my hair off. A lot more than I ended up doing....really, more like what my lovely character, Moira, did (those of you that actually read my other blog know Moira). I backed out and didn't cut off as much as I wanted to, though, because I was afraid someone would think I was crazy. And now? I need another crazy, random thing to do. Otherwise, I might actually go insane this time.

Awkward.

I am. So, so much. And I hate it. I really do. I wish I could be less nervous and worry so much about what people think....but I just don't think I can NOT do it. Blah. I'm sorry to those of you that wanna get together now that I'm back. I'm...just really scared.

...this is becoming less writing and more just venting when I just wanna type where only, like, three people'll read it.

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

nyar.

Geez, my titles are so freaking descriptive.

Anyway....I'm tired. Freaking exhausted. And I'm heading homeward tomorrow. Gonna ride to Louisville (lewey-ville if you're a Yankee, lou-a-ville if you're not) with Aunt Cris, meet Dad there, spend the night, then head back to Michigan. I have to say I will not miss the heat down here.

I don't like people. I've said it before and I'll say it once more: I do NOT like people.

I need my Anna to be home from Denver, too.

RAAAAAAWWWWRRGGH.

I DO NOT AND WILL NOT EVER UNDERSTAND PEOPLE.

Please excuse me while I do a mini-frustrated-this-guy-may-be-very-lucky-I'm-eight-hundred-miles-away rant.

WTF IS WITH PEOPLE THAT JUST LIKE TO BE JERKS. WITH NO HOLDING BACK OF THE METAPHORICAL PUNCHES AT ALL.

I mean, I know some people that like to mess with others and be sorta mean (Bruce, Rich, Brian, etc.), but they're never too bad. They apologize, or at least do something similar, if they've gone too far. (Cell Block Tango playing right now only feels a liiiiittle appropriate.) That crap that he was doing and saying...this might just be me being really sensitive here, but I don't think it's just "harshness". Harshness is being a little tough on someone when they make a mistake. I can deal with "harshness. THAT was just someone deciding they needed to be (please please family don't shoot and/or maim me) an ass. GAWSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I am so mad and irritated it's not even funny. Gah.

Jose (emphasis on the HO), I did not like you because of some crap you pulled with Anna. I talked to you outside of this jerk circle you have a little bit and thought maybe you were okay (albeit a little weird for talking to me out of the blue). Another friend started to like you (for reasons that are now BEYOND ME) and I thought you were a little bit better then when things were going well. But, then, you lied a little to her and made her feel like crap, too. You were definitely on my hit list then, and you still kind of were, even if I don't talk to her all that much. And now? Now I just don't like you because you are an ASS. Gah. And people like that can be fun sometimes, but only because they know not to go to freaking faaaaaaaar and not act like jerks ALL THE TIME. EVEN HOUSE IS NICE SOMETIMES. WTF.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

People who are jerks for the heck of it are horrible.

People who only care about certain people are horrible.

I have found something besides Nazis and the Percy Jackson movie that deserves the word "hate".

I hate these kinds of people.

They are my antithesis in every way possible.

These people need to not exist.

I need to scream but it's one o'clock in the morning (CST) and everyone's sleeping.

I need to get back to Michigan and beat this guy up.

I need this guy to not be going to my school next year.

I need to just ignore him.

But I really, really don't want to do that right now.

(I apologize if any of this is flawed and/or completely stupid; I am an angry Jenna and do not proofread well when angered.)

SMILE.

This is how I feel. I hope you can feel like this, too.

TODAAAAY IS A KINDA GREAT DAAAAY.

Nothing's really happened, but I'm still pretty darned happy. :) I dunno why. We (Mom, Aunt Cris, Megan, and I) did some errand running because Aunt Cris had a day off finally and we want to be able to play on Friday, her next day off. We made it to Hobby Lobby, picked the dogs up from the groomer (where they got dipped for ticks, whoo hoo!), had lunch at a place us Yankees hadn't been to before, went to Sam's Club, the pet store, and a couple of other places. It was a pretty busy day and Megan and I kept each other entertained between stores. We also got to have control of the muuusic, meaning we had Classic Queen, Hairspray, and Relient K playing the whole time. We got home about an hour ago and IIII feel kinda like a nap or something, but it's a little late for that. :P When I did get home, soooomebody wasn't very happy....so I sent them a message that I hope made them smile, even though we haven't talked in ages. Anddd I got to smile 'cuz somebody was awesome and liked my status. ;P (Whoops, just gave myself away, didn't I? Oh well. Most the people that read this already know about that anyway.)

SO TODAY, SO FAR, IS PRETTY GOOOD. :DD Let's hope it stays that way!

Well...that was....weird, to say the least.

After a month of near silence, I was "spoken" to by one of the abandoners. Said abandoner asked me about my cousin in one of my profile pictures, which only shows how little I've been paid attention to, considering I was only whining about him the entire time he was in Alabama.

And I actually got a "haha nice x]" at the end of it. An emoticon that doesn't show annoyance. Oh gawsh. This...could mean progress? Or am I just getting ahead of myself? Maybe I'm more of an optimist than I realized.

Also....why is it that some couples make me smile at their cuteness and others just make me cringe? I don't get it. I guess it might be because I don't like one/both of the people in the relationship that much? I dunno. I wanna think all cute couples are cute. D:

Anyway....tomorrow I'm....oh gawsh. I just realized that I started every one of these "paragraphs" (they're waaaaay too short to be paragraphs, really) starts with a word that starts with an A. o_o Weird. Huh.

ALABAMA ADVENTURES, RIGHT. Tomorrow, me, Megan, Kate. Much fun. Much tiredness if I don't go to sleep soon, too. So, yeah.

ANDDDD I barely posted ANYTHING blogwise today. Oh noes, am I getting out of habit? Am I losing muse? Or am I just figuring out how to live not attached to a computer? (It's obviously not that last one, considering I ignored the fam most of the evening by talking to a couple of friends and listening to music on the Macbook.)

Adieu, blogosphere. (Yeah, I stole that from somewhere else. Either Questionable Content {awesome webcomic by Jeph Jacques} or xkcd {awesome webcomic by a math guy whose name I don't know, unfortunately}.)


AH, ALSO ALSO. Thirtieth post. Cool, no? ...okay, maybe not, but I think it's nifty. :P

I have no life.

I need one.

I also need to be able to have one without panicking every time I get ready to go out.

I need to basically just stop panicking about being around people I don't know.

This would make life so, so much easier.

And mean less crying and headaches for me.

Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE dogs?

No? Well, I do. A whole freaking lot.

Especially my dogs. Really, especially Madison. She's an old miniature schnauzer and getting a little senile, I think (she tried to eat a freaking NEEDLE today; a NEEDLE), but she's still the cutest thing ever and addictingly soft. Even though she's a grumpy old lady, she still loves to cuddle, especially when you're feeling down. Dogs are awesome and will do that because they love you.

Tonight, though, I didn't have Madison come to my rescue. I didn't even get any cuddle time. No, tonight, when I was feeling like crying and just curling up in a ball. I mean, this was an emo moment where I didn't even feel like reaching out to anyone because I felt like I'd be annoying. But, out of nowhere, who appears? That's right, little miss Surly, Heidi.

Heidi is a little younger than Madison and also a miniature schnauzer. They're related, actually. Madison is usually the springy and, as Megan says, "eccentric" (aka crazy) elder and Heidi is the wise-like, keep-everyone-in-line elder. Heidi also doesn't come over to say hi very easily (or at least she doesn't for ME).

But, tonight, she seemed to notice I needed a little attention and came over so I could pet her. I even stopped for a moment and she pawed at me, insisting that I give her love. I giggled and was face to face with her for a moment. I asked for sugars and she obliged, licking my face a little. She's nice like that. Of course, she had to get more lovings then, so I got to pet her and try to get her to play a little more before she sauntered off to jump into her chair. She's laying there now, probably half asleep. And now, thanks to that small moment of love, I think that I'm gonna hold a special place in my heart for this darling Pookie. <3

Regrets.

They're kinda funny sometimes, aren't they? I mean, sometimes they can be absolutely HORRIBLE and bother you forever and ever. Others are simple and don't bother you much at all. A good example of the first might be not telling someone your feelings about something, whether it be on a new friendship or a new relationship or just really, really liking someone. The second one could be just choosing the wrong new meal.

Today I was trying to strike up a conversation with somebody (kind of an important somebody that is NEVER online for chat, the loser). I have this little problem with hitting the enter key when I'm nervous about something, though. I mean, I could seriously sit there for ten or twenty minutes with my finger on the key, almost pressing it hard enough to make the computer register it, but not quite. It's happened mostly with this person, but I've noticed it with other people that I'm telling stuff that I'm worried about how they'll react to, too. It's something I need to get over so my typing skills will just be all around AWESOME. I mean, half the time, I would be a lot faster at responding if it weren't for this stupid habit.

Anyway, the conversation. When I first started talking to him online with chat, it was mostly just "spam spam spam spam spam sorry, I feel the need to spam you 'cuz you're never on :P" because I'm cute like that. I continued to do that for a while, too. But then I felt like I was getting annoying, so I left him alone for the next few times when he was online. But, today, I felt like I NEEDED to talk to him. Otherwise I'd just regret it like I always did. So, I sat there, thumb on the enter key (Macbook = tiny enough for this to not feel awkward), trying to send a message. Finally, with a little involuntary twitch of sorts, my little "*pounce* hawwo!" was sent. I had a little sense of dread, y'know, that final twinge of regret that is "ohgawdwhatifthisgoeswrong" before I was just happy I'd done it. Unfortunately, the conversation was not a long one, as he replied "figures you'd start a conversation when i have to give the computer to my sister >>". Sad day indeed. I finally get the courage up to send a message that doesn't go to his inbox to be read maybe hours later, and he has to give the computer up to his sister? But, wait, look. It might just be my silly hopefullness, but it seems there might be some genuine perturbedness in his tone there. Maybe just that he had to tell someone that he had to get off. Or maybe 'cuz he had to tell me that he had to get off? Again, it's probably just me being crazy-hopeful here...but maybe, he wanted to talk to ME?

It's probably just that first one. I'm probably reading too much into this. But that's kind of okay. Because, really? This is one of those second regrets. The conversation may have lasted all of two seconds, but that's okay. I still would've regretted not sending that "hawwo!" so, so much if I hadn't sent it. :)

I'm a happy Jenna right now, even if he is offline. ^^




Also: I made another blog for my writings, too. xD BUT I MADE IT YESTERDAY AROUND SEVEN OR SOMETHING. SO I THINK MINE WAS PROBABLY MADE BEFORE ANNA'S. IDK.
...anyway. Now this will only get my rambles about my life. :D The other one can have my fictions/vague rambles about me life that can be passed off as fiction.

Silly friends. Silly me.

So, I'm back on to those silly friends of mine. The ones that don't pay much (or any) attention to me.

I almost sent one of them a message saying I was sorry that we hadn't talked in forever and also apologizing for something I may have done without knowing it. It was pretty well thought out for the ten minutes it took to write, I think (but obviously, with all this, I'm a writer as it is). I looked at it for a moment after I finished it, though, and deleted the whole thing. I didn't send her or anyone else a message. I almost sent another friend a message, but I didn't even get far enough to open a new message up. That same friend is online right now and I won't talk to her. I'm too darn stubborn.

I want THEM to come crawling back, for THEM to want ME in THEIR lives again. And I know I'm being stupid about this, but I can't help it. I'm just pissed that they hurt me and I want them to say they're sorry instead of running back spouting apologies that they probably don't deserve. I don't want to have to be the one to try and patch things up. I want to know that they want me to be their friend. I don't want to be desperate for them just so I can feel like I'm loved.

I...I need to find something to do.

I'ma eat chu + extra

More random writing. This is especially random, though...and originally written with my left hand because of the whole wrist thing. It's very illegible on paper.

Mr. Bear rumbled through the woods, looking for something to eat. He peeked in a cave and found a rabbit.

"I'ma eat chu!" exclaimed Mr. Bear.

"No, you're not," replied the rabbit, whose name was Benjamin.

"And why not?" Mr. Bear asked, enraged that he'd been told no by such a small and edible creature.

"Because, my good sir, you are a vegetarian," Benjamin explained.

Mr. Bear looked puzzled. "Am I?"

"You are," the rabbit confirmed.

"Oh," Mr. Bear said, still seeming taken aback. "Sorry for bothering you, then. Cheerio!"

The two parted ways then and Mr. Bear went on to enjoy a tofu burger before realizing he was not a vegetarian at all.

+Extra

Dear Friend,

I'm thinking that maybe I was wrong but I'm a little afraid that I'm wrong about that, too.

Love (platonically?),

Me.

Don't Stand So Close to Me

So, I think I'm pulling an Anna here. But listening to that song *points to the title* makes me want to write out a scene matching the last verse (or maybe more, depending on how much muse I get). Sooooo. Here goes, I'm writin' like a Nabokov! :D (Can't tell if that's a good thing or not. >>)

----------

There was no way that it could go on much longer. Emily knew that. But she couldn't stop wanting him, couldn't stop chasing after him. The class talked. They knew about them. Even the staff was catching on to their little affair. Mr. Sumner--no, he was Gordon, always Gordon--would surely lose his job if it went on. But there was no way she could not want him.

The classroom was suddenly silent. She looked around and noticed they were all looking at her. Waiting to see what she'd do. What happened? she wondered, panicked. What am I supposed to be reacting to?

Then she looked down at her desk and noticed a sticky note that must have been stuck there while she was thinking. She pulled it off slowly as she read it, shaking. "Fucking the teacher doesn't make you any better than us," it said. Emily looked around the room spread out in front of her. They had all gone back to business as usual, satisfied that she'd received the note. They didn't need to see her reaction; they already knew that their shot had hit hard. She bit her lip. Whoever had written the note obviously didn't have the best writing skills, but it still hurt. They had assumed what they always did about her and Gordon: That it was just sex. She tried to remember what he'd told her on the way home last night.

"They're just jealous, Em," he'd said, driving carefully through the thunderstorm. She had been waiting at the bus stop after school and Gordon had driven by. He offered to give her a ride, and, because he was Gordon, she accepted. The fact that his car was warm and dry didn't hurt, though. "Just ignore them."

"I can't!" she'd insisted. "If I ignore them, it'll just get worse...I know it! Then the principal will find out and you'll get fired!"

"He won't find out," he had reassured her, patting her leg while keeping his focus on the road. "I promise."

That promise seemed meaningless now, when the whole classroom was turned against her. She stood up and walked out. He was in the teacher's lounge getting something he'd forgotten for the lesson. She needed to see him alone, just for a moment, before dealing with that room of hostility. He just didn't understand children anymore; they were horrible. And being the teacher's pet just wasn't easy.

Getting down to the teacher's lounge was easy enough; if you looked like you knew where you were going, the adults in charge didn't bother you. She was a master at this by now, after sneaking out of lunch and classes to see him. He said he didn't like it much when she did it, but she also knew that he was horrible at lying. That was why she was worried about the other kids bothering her, about the principal finding out. If he DID find out, there was no way Gordon would be able to lie his way out of it. He was horrible at acting. Just being with Emily sometimes made him cry at the hopelessness of their situation right now; she was only fifteen and she knew it. There was no way they could be together right now...but she couldn't stay away, and neither could he.

Emily reached to open the teacher lounge's door when she heard someone talking.

"There's obviously something going on, Gordon," a voice roughened by years of smoking growled. "Half the staff realizes it and so does the entire student body."

She recoiled from the door, stifling a gasp. They'd been found out! No!

"That's ridiculous, sir," Gordon's smooth voice replied calmly. "There is nothing between Emily and me. We're just a teacher and a student: The way it should be."

The words stung, even though she knew he was just saying it to keep them safe. He was obviously talking to the principal; there was no one else he would call "sir". She did wonder, though: When did he get so good at lying? He was absolutely horrible at it around her. It puzzled her to no end, and though she knew her eavesdropping would not help their case if she was caught, she could not move herself from the spot.

Their luck was not great enough to protect them, though, as she soon discovered. The two men did not get any further in their conversation before she was found.

"Miss Porter?" came the voice of the science teacher, Miss Thomas, from behind her. Emily jumped about a foot in the air.

"M-Miss Thomas, hi, I was just looking for G-Mr. Sumner, I thought he was in the teacher's lounge," she supplied quickly.

"Then don't stand out here," the elderly teacher said, opening the door for them both, "just go in and get him."

The opening of the door had caught the attention of both Gordon and the principal. The principal looked confused to see her, but didn't seem to put together that she'd heard them. He didn't even seem to take that this confirmed his accusation.

Or, at least, he didn't until he looked back at Mr. Sumner.

His expression was a mixture of the adoration he had for the young girl and the horror that they'd been found out. If it had not been for the severity of the situation, Emily would have found it absolutely fascinating. Her own expression was one of apology. She hadn't meant to ruin it. That was the whole point of coming here: She would see him, feel better, and things would be okay. She'd be able to deny the kids' claims long enough to get her through this. To get them through this. Gordon began to shake, obviously overcome by everything. He couldn't even speak, let alone try to deny what the principal was already sure of.

There was a long silence while Gordon tried to recompose himself.

"I-I'm...I'm sorry," he said finally, looking at the floor. "She...she just stood too close. She stood too damn close."

----------

Yeah, I'm not re-reading this right now (or ever, maybe) to proofread...so sorry if something sucks. xD And the ending fails...because...I'm tired and don't wanna write anymore. D:

Scratch that.

I'm all insecure and me again.

HOLY GROWING UP BATMAN!

I THINK I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE TURNING INTO A NEW JENNA AFTER ALL.

This won't be too extensive, because, really, it doesn't need much words, ESPECIALLY if you pay any attention to my Facebook.

Anyway, I WANT TO TEAR THIS GIRL TO PIECES AND I DON'T EVEN CARE IF SHE BITES BACK RIGHT NOW. I DON'T CARE IF I MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF. It's amazing. I don't care if someone points out some flaw in my logic. IT DOESN'T MATTER! I feel like a person! Like a person that actually interacts in society! Like I haven't done anything until now! I just want this girl that has caused SO MUCH CRAP to just fight back, just a little bit, so I can fight back more and not feel like I'm some crazy person trying to pick a fight. I want more, but I'm not going to provoke any more than I need to.

Okay, I don't really know if anyone reads this that doesn't have me on the lovely Faceybook, but I'm gonna elaborate just in case.

I saw Eclipse today. It was kind of sort of alright. Not the best ever, not by a long shot, but it was definitely better than the other movies. I mean, there were fight scenes to make up for the close up make-out sessions!! Vampires getting torn to pieces and shizz! Much better than the silly girl movie the others were. (Of course, still being a girl, seeing a shirtless Taylor Lautner was okay, too....shuddup he's one of us, a Grand Rapids dude! It's kind of okay then, isn't it?)

ANYWAY, uh, yeah. It was okay. And I stated as much, saying that I liked Jasper's southern accent best (WHICH was true), and I got "judged" by a certain Griffin (as in he actually said "judged."). I ignored that, 'cuz, well, it's Griffin. He's a twelve year old boy. Even if I knew he probably wasn't just messing with me, of course he wouldn't like anything like it. He's a boy. BUT one of the girls that like to ignore meeee (coughcoughfrickingTurekscoughcough) said the same thing, and, well...I got a little mad. No talking to me on a regular basis, Miss Em, but I say something that you see just a littttttle issue with, you decide to make your thoughts known? It's all or nothin', honey. Hate on me ALL YOU WANT, but don't just do it on occasion. Don't ignore me unless you have something bad to say. The phrase is if you don't have anything NICE to say, don't say anything at all, not the other way around. I mean, golly, you're older than I. Should you not be more mature? Of course not, 'cuz maturity has nothing to do with age.

(Oh, wow, this is turning into a little bit of something. xD Well then, I guess I'm pretty darn good at this writing business, then. I should stick with it.)

Anyway, she hasn't said a thing yet. But I'm very, very happy to say that IIIII am being a bit of a bitch, and, well....

I like it.

Next year should be fun.

And not just because I have my semi-new-let's-make-guy-friends plan. My little sister is going to be a FRESHMAN next year. Meaning I'm going to be in the same building as her again, but along with that...MY LITTLE SISTER IS GOING TO BE A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT. WHAT THE HECK. That's not cool. She's my innocent little sister. I don't want her around the stupid that makes up most of our school. D: Thus, I have mentally started compiling a list of names to help protect her from any ignorant people that might mess with her this coming year. That list is slightly smaller since a lot of people aren't really TALKING to me anymore...but that's okay. I still have some pretty b.a. people that can help me and my tiny self take care of my little sister. :)

And besides needing help to protect her....I need to make her wake up earlier. D: She's not a morning person in any way, shape, or form. But, I have come up with a small favor that might help her wake up. She gets to play with my hair and accessorize me. Usually, this might seem like a bad idea. Younger sister putting stuff together for me? What the heck? How's that gonna look? But, luckily, my sister is much girlier than I in this aspect, so I'm pretty sure that it'll turn out just fine. I'm making her practice this summer, though, so I don't have to go to school with my hair sticking up in some odd fashion...no, that'd be a little much, even for me. And I've dyed my hair pink, purple, and red over the years. And I was thinking about getting it cut even shorter than what it is now for a little while, too.

As well as dealing with Megan the high school student (which might mean boyfriends for her, too, I just realized: Nooo!), I think I'm going to end up watching almost every single relationship that my friends are in and wonder how it's going to end. I'm sorry in advance, but...high school relationships generally don't last long, no matter how happy the couple might look. So I kind of wonder....if they're so happy now, how will it end? What will happen that will tear them apart? Will he cheat or will she just get tired of him? I dunno. I guess it's the scientist in me. But I DO think that I'll probably just end up watching one couple and wondering...and I won't feel so bad about it, because hey! They're ignoring me, so why not try to dissect how they'll end up hating each other? ;P

Ugh. I'm so mean.

But I'm also gonna have so much school stuff to do OMG! Just the normal classes, in addition to learning this new blended model crap, KCTC, maybe something at Ferris, I don't know! And then band over at City because GRPS is stupid. Oh. My. Golly. And my volunteer hours! I mean, I've got eighteen already from this summer, but I'm not sure my thirty hours from freshman year were counted, for whatever reason. I mentioned that to my mom, and wooooooo-ee. She is not a happy camper. So I'm going to have to remember to ask Mrs. Brock about that, make sure I'm all caught up on my hours...I dearly hope I am. Otherwise, I get to make sure I get thirty hours this year in ADDITION to everything else I'm doing. Not very fun, if you ask me! >< And I might play soccer this year, too. If I do it with the REC department this fall, which I'll still be young enough to do, it'll just be one practice a week with a game on Saturday, which should be a good balance between stress and stress relief. If I play in the spring with Ottawa, well...that might be a little more complicated. xD I'll have to see how everything ends up balancing out.

So, uh, yeah! Next year. Fun, maybe. Interesting, fo' sho.

Thinking.

It's all I seem to be doing this morning. I guess that's what happens when the only ones up are you and your Papaw and neither of you are big talkers. I'm not even sure WHAT I'm thinking about. It kind of seems like a big mixing pot filled with everything. I recently stumbled upon a friend's blog and kind of spent a bit of last night and this morning reading pretty much all of it. I learned some stuff that I didn't know about them and now I just want to be closer. I want to know them better because I want to know the person that's wrote those entries. I don't feel like I do at all and it bothers me because I really care about them.

...and...yeah. This whole one-sided affection thing. He's been up thinking and thinking. I know it's not going to be about me. He's got some pretty big things happening in his life now like college and what he's going to do with his life. Those things are a lot more thought-provoking than little old me. Those things are downright terrifying in my opinion because I have no idea what I'm going to do. I love writing. I like science. I love singing. Only one of these could semi-guarantee a career, though. (And, hint hint, it's not one of the ones I love.) If I want to write or sing, I want a back-up plan. But...I really, really just want to do one of those. Or both. I don't know. I just want to be happy. And maybe sorta in his arms...but that's not happening today or anytime soon or ever. So I just have to deal with that.

And then there's just me. I've always been the quiet little girl that no one noticed. I had my couple of friends, then that was it. In middle school, it was a little bit more than that. Nearly the whole class was more or less friends with each other. It was pretty nice. Then we all got into high school and the class unity ended. People that used to say "hi Jenna!" don't even recognize me half the time anymore. I met new people, though, and made even more friends. My social circle-oblong-thing was probably the biggest it's ever been. Heck...I even managed to snag myself a boy freshman year (not that that was any big thing...gawsh, I don't regret it, exactly...but ugh). And this year started off pretty much like that. Seeing friends from the year before and getting to know them more. But then everyone started fighting and I was torn. I liked these friends, but they didn't like these friends anymore. I wanted to hang out with these people and these people, but they disliked each other. And while this happened, I found myself getting isolated. Slowly but surely, I felt that I was losing friends. It was just me and my best friend, Jade, half the time, plus whatever semi-friend-acquaintances I sat with at lunch. And then there was him and some people in band...but...I still felt utterly alone. The whole rock band thing helped, though. It made me feel like I was part of something and it gave me something to focus on other than school (because, honestly, half the time school is not challenging enough to keep me distracted for very long). I started reading a whole lot more again, too, to keep my mind off the real world. I disappeared into my room after school, started reading, then fell asleep about ten minutes in. Then I'd wake up, eat dinner, watch some TV, then go back to sleep. That was my routine for a long, long time. And I felt kind of okay about it, I guess, other than the occasional "OMG I'M WASTING MY YOUTH SLEEPING". After all that...I think I really was alone. No one was talking to me anymore. It was just me and Jade and Tony (freshman dude in band that is basically an adopted brother by now) on occasion. I shouldn't say that I felt alone with my best friend, but after all the people I was around before, after all their hilarity and adventures...I felt a little alone. It was scary to see it all just fall apart so quickly. And now I want to be more outgoing so I can make new friends, maybe REAL friends this time...and I can kind of feel it happening. I talk a little more. I actually had a conversation on the phone with someone that wasn't my mom for twenty minutes before I left. I haven't talked to anyone on the phone for more than ten minutes in ages. The only person that ever called me just to talk doesn't talk to me period anymore. It's really sad and I miss it, even though these awkward silences would come up where neither of us would know what to say. I'm not sure if this reaching out is me growing up or what. It kind of feels like it, just a little bit. Along with reaching out, I feel like I'm assuming this tomboy persona that I'm not sure I really fit. I mean, I'm definitely not a girly girl and I guess I have some more boyish qualities (hockey, the aggressiveness that comes with playing pretty much any sport, the not understanding of drama and such), but am I really a tomboy? I dunno. But now I'm kind of afraid to share anything that makes me seem utterly girly with anyone that I feel like sees me in the tomboy light. Ugh. I need to stop thinking. I need to get out and do something. Or someone just needs to be awake so I can be distracted by something other than the Internet and a lame SyFy (most stupid rename EVER) Channel movie.

Oh, and for most of this, one of our dogs, Madison, kept nudging my hand to pet her and making me screw up. It was kind of adorable, but really, really annoying at the same time. xD Just felt the need to share that.

My Other Car is the Millenium Falcon.

Oh, I WISH. I did get a button that says that today, though.

So, Star Wars exhibit...freaking awesome. They had all the praaaaaawps (apparently typing extra O's just made it look like proooops, and not the way I wanted it to sound, so it's uber phonetic), the costumes, the models...everything. It was amazing. So amazing...that I'm absolutely exhausted and can't type much about it. xD

IF YOU HAVE ME ON FACEBOOK (what am I talking about, YOU ALL DO!), YOU CAN SEE MY STATUS AND PICTURES THERE. SO YEAH.

I think I might be an Empire girl. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Oh, and I saw a shirt in the gift shop that I kinda liked, so I checked the price....and literally recoiled back in shock. It was twenty-seven dollars. The kids shirts were only fifteen, but unfortunately, I'm a little...erm...too well-endowed to fit into kids' shirts anymore. =/

And thass it. So toodles.

hooooomaiiiigawshhhhhimtireddddd

Translated: It's been a long day.

I'm not sure why, exactly. We didn't really do much today. I woke up earlier because we were planning on going to Birmingham, which is about an hour from my grandparents' house (where I'm staying at the moment, for those of you not in the know). So I figured that getting up and around sooner might help. I was showered, dressed, and Cap'n-Crunch-filled by nine o'clock, I do believe. And where was half of our lovely team?

Asleep, of course.

So we didn't get out the door until eleven-thirty, which ultimately means I could have slept in longer. Doing so probably would've helped with later. Anyway, we did make it out to Birmingham, listening to Classic Queen and the Wicked soundtrack as we went (something tells me my twelve year old cousin, Griffin, was not so pleased with this second selection). The nature center was nice and cost absolutely nothing (although they did ask for a two dollar donation per person, and being the awesome people we are, we obliged). They had a little zoo-like area inside the actual nature center building that we checked out first. There were turtles and snakes and they said they had a flying squirrel but I didn't see one. >>

We did eventually make it on the actual trail, and at first it was pretty okay. The trail itself was pretty flat, although pretty narrow. Okay, it was really, REALLY narrow. I was very afraid my mom would fall over at some point because she has balance issues. D: We did fine until we were a little over halfway to the wetlands trail, our wondrous destination. Megan, my sister, had lost her shirt, so my dad ran back to see if he could find it (he ended up going back almost all the way to the nature center, I think). We (which was me, my sister, my mom, and Griffin, if you hadn't assumed that already) continued on and got tired really, really quickly. We each had a water bottle for ourselves, so we were good on the hydration front, somewhat. Our little bit of om-nom-nom-age had been eaten on the way to Birmingham by a certain growing boy....so we had nothing to eat. My dad caught up with us and we were all kind of like "OMG LET'S TURN AROUNDDDDD D:". Well, at least my mom and I were. Megan and Griffin were determined to see those darned wetlands. We eventually did make it, despite feeling like I was gonna collapse (Cap'n Crunch does NOT go as far as you might think). The wetlands WERE pretty, despite all the crap it took to get there. There were a couple of small ponds, complete with splashing things that we couldn't see (probably fish; maybe some alien species hiding on our planet, I don't know), tadpoles, and dragonflies. The tadpoles were absolutely ADORABLE, in my opinion. One even had itty bitty little arms! ....yes, I AM a girl. I'm allowed to coo over cute things. We got done with the wetlands kinda quickly though, 'cuz, well...y'know. We were tired. On the way back, Griffin and I went all AUTO-PILOT! and walked and walked and walked until we were back in the air conditioned nature center. xD Then he was awesome and got me chips from the vending machine (verrrrry yummy after I long walk, I must say). Slowly but surely, the rest of the group showed up and we were OUTTA THERE!

We attempted to check out this shopping-center-thing called the Pepper Place. It used to be a bottling plant for Dr. Pepper, but now it's just a bunch of tiny little shops, restaurants, and a theater. We only went to a couple of stores, though, 'cuz we were tired. On the way back, my dad was awesome and we stopped for milkshakes and fries at Mickey D's. :D Not too much, though because we were gonna have dinner semi-soon. It was almost five o'clock, I think. Walking the trail had definitely taken a lot longer than I thought it would.

SOOOO we did eventually get back. I'm pretty sure all the kids fell asleep in the car (I know I did), and we did pretty much that same thing when we came inside. After we ate our om-nom-nomy BLTs that were dinner, my mom discovered she had a tick. And then, when she was getting ready to take a shower, she found another one.

.....needless to say, I'm a little paranoid now.

Anyway, random question of the day: How do my earbuds manage to tie themselves in a knot?

Ponder on that for me.