(Bonus points if you recognize that.)
Bad: That's the best way to describe tonight. This early morning. Whatever.
Got back from hanging out at a cottage on Lake Michigan with my dad's boss and coworkers. That was fun. We went swimming and there were waves that were almost as tall as me (not saying much, I know, but it was cool). There was yummy food and even the kids weren't that difficult to deal with. They were heavy, though, for however-old-they-are-year-olds.
But when I got back...I dunno. Reality, my stupid overanalyzing habit, whatever it is, just came rushing back. I started feeling really bad because I already made plans with a friend to do something Sunday after the family reunion and then I got invited to go to the movies with...well...YOU know and some other people, and I really, really wanted to go to that, even though the bonfire sounded really fun, too. I sent the friend a message earlier about how I was feeling conflicted and crap and she told me she was cool with it if I wanted to go to the movies instead, there'll be more bonfires....but I always thought that I wouldn't be that stupid girl who puts boys before her friends. I mean, I KNOW I haven't talked to this friend in awhile, but this get-together on Sunday could change that, y'know? I could have some of my normalcy back.
But then, I almost NEVER SEE him. And we're both tight on money, so there's not a whole lot either of us know what to get together for...and I'll see the friend every day at school. He's all gradamatcated. He said he'd visit, but...I dunno. He's moving on, I think. I really, really don't want him to because I don't think I could handle it.
Which of course made me go down the road of his love-obsession thing that he's not too happy with himself about. I KNOW it's not me, but there's always that intellectual-emotional disconnection there...and it just leaves me with this little hope that maybe, just MAYBE it'd be me. Then reality hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel like crap. Much like tonight.
Then, of course, he posts about what a great mood he's in. And I feel like shiiiiiiiiiiizz 'cuz somebody else made him happy, maybe it was her, la la la green monster of doom attacking. And I absolutely HATE myself for that because I have no right to be jealous. We are FRIENDS, darnit. Nothing more. I've got it through my thick skull, now I just have to get it down to my silly romantic heart.
Of course, I found something else that made me just burst into uncontrollable sobs (which had to be softened to make sure no one woke up, of course). I'm only freaking sixteen. Why do I take all of this so seriously? I don't need to be doing this sort of crap now. I don't need to be looking for the love of my life right now. I AM NOT ARIEL. I will not find my prince before my seventeenth birthday. Disney has corrupted my head. Gaaaaaaaaagh. I just wish that I could be one of those girls that flirts all the freaking time and then maybe I wouldn't take this all so seriously. Honestly? I think I flirt on accident sometimes. I see it as just me being friendly, but, uh, it's taken the wrong way, I think. I dunno. I think I'm egging on a slightly-creepy kid by being nice. ;___;
But...the uncontrollable sobs did help. It was a pretty good cry, and I do feel better now. I still have no idea what the heck to do about anything, but I feel better. I wish I could just have a cry like this on command sometimes and not feel like I have to do it in private. Stupid culture or society or whatever it is that makes us think we need to be ashamed of crying. Stupid stupid stupid.
Oh, long post. Haven't had one of these in awhile. Huh.
...I wonder if that What's-His-Face'll come back. If you do, What's-His-Face, I hope you actually do find my blog to be...uhm..."hot" and enjoy reading it. Sorry I don't find yours completely intriguing. D:
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