Meaning behind my blog name.
..........um. I already explained this. But k. :p
Walk Don't Run is how I'm trying to address the changes in my life. I've rushed into things before and it hasn't worked out. So I'm trying to calm myself down and go into changes slowly so maybe I'll actually be able to stick to them. That way, maybe, life can get better. So far it hasn't worked much, but maybe I'm just going too slow.
....also using this today to whine and stuff. I'm sorry.
So, first hour today, I was trying to help somebody with their math. It was how to get rid of a dividing-by-a-fraction bit in an equation. It shouldn't have been too hard, right? Well, wrong, apparently. I was thinking that to get rid of fractions, you have to multiply them by the inverse of them. So with three tenths, you should multiply by ten thirds, right? Right? Because that completely gets rid of the whole thing. Right? No. no no no no no no NO. It isn't. Because you end up multiplying the variable that's being divided by that number, not the divisor, so then you end up with (in this case) (3/10)k/(3/10). The three tenths divide out and you're left with the k, which is what you wanted in the first place. But I was doing it the first way when I was helping my friend. And then she went to the teacher to check something else and the teacher corrected my work and she looked at me like it was the end of the freaking world. Like Armageddon was going to begin and it was ALL MY FAULT FOR BEING WRONG.
.....I had a very hard time restraining my urge to punch her gaping self in the face. (I actually made a nice claw out of my hand and smacked my notebook a little, but I don't think she noticed that. Probably for the better.)
It made me really angry. Okay, sure, I'm usually right. But it's not the end of the freaking world. I'm wrong sometimes. It happens, 'cause I'm only human, right? Right. I'm also a smart human, though, so it rarely happens, sure. So most of the times I correct your stup---er, misconceptions, I'm right. Especially in math because apparently my brain works the best with numbers. (And I want to be a writer?) So just because I'm wrong this one time, it doesn't mean that you can never ever trust me again, babes. I'm good at math. I have a freakin' 99% in that class. I would've gotten a hundred percent on my test if it hadn't been for HALF A POINT. So THERE.
(EEEEEEE PANDORA'S PLAYIN' 1985! yay. Happy Jenna. C8)
I was also really upset, though, because, mad as I might've been, I was also embarrassed. And I'd felt like I'd let her down. And I'd had this fail in front of someone that I can't STAND to appear less than perfect in front of, Miss Si. Augh. (And now Misery Business? Pandora be lovin' me today.) It...it wasn't fun. I'm supposed to be smart so I can get my friends through when they need help. Right? So I can't be wrong. Or they'll fail. I can't let them just fail, can I?
Maybe I need to. It'd be good to work on that pleasing people vs. doing the right thing, right? Or not? I dunno. I still need to figure that out. 'Cause I want people to be happy, but...I also want to be a good person. And sometimes those don't work together, although you'd think they would. (This is especially true in high school, where you've got people pleasin' people with words one minute and then saying something contradicting later to please somebody else.)
Anyway. In short, I wanna be awesome so I can help others. I need to be perfect so they don't have to be. Right? Right?
Second hour wasn't fun. I got some support, but...I hate crying in class.
Please take note that this is coming from a recovering people-pleasing perfectionist.
ReplyDeleteDon't start pressuring yourself to feel and to try to be perfect--especially for others.
First problem with trying to think that you have the power to 'make' someone be happy is the fact that you don't. You can do things that may influence them to feel that way, but happiness is up to that individual.
Second problem is that most of the time, trying to make others happy ends up causing you to feel unhappy.
Doing the right thing, whether it makes anybody feel happy in the moment or not, will make YOU feel better about yourself, and let's face it, how you feel about yourself is MY first priority here.
Chances are your friends don't want you to be perfect, anyway. They'd rather you be there with your smarts to comfort and advise and do the right thing. And if they put you up on some Perfection Pedestal, they might not be as comfortable coming to you for your smarts.
So, don't stress. You *are* incredibly intelligent and sensible and a very, truly good friend. Trust that, and remind your friends and yourself that nobody's perfect. Perfection in this life is unattainable, and it's not fair to expect it.