2011...wow.

It's already going to be 2011? Dude, most of my friends are graduating this year. Again! I really need to start hanging out with other 2012ers or something. This is getting sad. D:

Well, real point of this was that somebody was talking about how DIFFERENT 2011 is going to be for them and all that...and it kind of made me think. How will 2011 be different for me?

First thought: Like I said, I'm losing friends to graduation. Again. I hate that. I mean, I'd be graduating this year, too, if I'd been born a month earlier or whatever...but, considering the whole panic thing about growing up I have, that might not be good, huh? But at least then I'd be leaving with most of my friends that I actually kind of hang out with at school. Anna, Joe, and Lucy...seriously, they're the only people I really actually like to be around at school. -___-;; Other people are cool, too, but...usually...I see them when I'm around people that I don't like to be around for whatever reason. (Like them ignoring me for some stupid reason...rrgh.) Anyway anyway anyway. That would not be much different than 2010 because a whole crap load of cool seniors graduated last year, too. (I'm lookin' at you, fellow band geeks.)

Second thought: I will probably still be my shy little self. I will still be mistaken for a freshman or whatever the heck people think I am (lady at Meijer the other day thought I was thirteen...lots of fun, that was) and I will still have no social life. I will still be the dork I am and still probably be as panicky as I am now. I'll try to fix it and probably earn a little progress...and I probably won't notice any change because it'll be so slight.

Third thought: I am going to be really, really busy for the first month. I mean, basketball games, swim meets, school work, AND preparing for that GRCC cultural thing?!?!?! Dude, I've been having a hard enough time trying to learn both Russian and Japanese over break! I was doing great on the Russian until the fifth day or so because I just didn't want to listen to those tracks anymore and now I've got guitar, too...arrrrrgh. It's too much! I'm suddenly very glad I don't have a social life! I'd never get any sleep!

Fourth thought: ....I really, really hope there's a guy somewhere in 2011. I don't mean to sound like a typical teenaged girl, but...auuuuuuuuggggggggggggggh. Watching Easy A today didn't help much. Now I want my life to be like an 80's movie!

Fifth thought: I think Mrs. Williams might be done reading Chuck when we get back from break. Maybe she'll be all done doing English teacherly things to it and I can start editing it! I've been itching to, but I didn't want to mess with it until I saw what she thought needed to be changed.

Sixth thought: I wanna write another novel.

So, basically, my goals are as follows:

-Get a little less shy
-Get some friends that aren't graduating, darnit.
-Get less busy OR freak out less about being busy
-Get a guy
-Get Chuck ready for sending to a publisher
-Write another novel

In order of most likely to be reached, I think it's....Less shy, get Chuck publisher ready, write another novel...ehh...freaking out less about being busy/get less busy...get friends that aren't graduating............and get a guy. I actually highly doubt that last one will ever happen. If it does, dude, I will be on cloud freaking nine.

So....2011, dude. Don't suck too much, k? Thanks, man. :D

Happy Birthday to Hayley Williams...

...Heather O'Rourke, Louis Pasteur, and...oh, hey, ME!

Yes. I'm seventeen. Scary thought, huh? But I am. And I need to get moving because I have a lot to do today. Just wanted to pop in and be uber narcissitic with a HEY GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYS 'S MY BIRFDAY.

Oh, and leave you with this video hurr. :D



Warning: F-bomb present. Not that I think a lot of people who read this (that I know, anyway) really care. Also, the only real relation between me and this song is the age, 'cause, well, my daddy's not a Repo Man. xD

.....or at least I don't think he is? o____O

Eight o'clock in the morning....

....is WAAAAAAAAAY too late on Christmas. I mean, come on. It's Christmas!!!

I think I got some pretty cool stuff. I mean, Christmas is supposed to be about Jesus, I know, but there's still the whole material element and we all know that. And because I'm not very good at religious things...well...I'm going to acknowledge the more material part. I mean, I'm still a kid, so I'm allowed to...right?

I was told that eight o'clock was the earliest I could try to get everyone up. Yes, I am the one that makes sure we get up early on Christmas. My parents would gladly sleep in and Megan would, too, despite it's awesomeness. I was awake a lot this morning, despite the whole going to bed early bit. And it took another half hour, I think, to get everyone in place. Megan and I are NEVER allowed in the living room until my mom's ready to take our pictures when we first walk in. It makes it all very frustrating, especially when you've been awake on and off since six o'clock... *sigh*

But it was cool. Everyone had a bucn of presents and I got a camera. :D Very happy day. And We're Back!, which I've been wanting to watch for foreeeeeverrrrrr....and other movies and that Dance on Broadway wii game or whatever. And I found the pickle (old German tradition, I think; Google it) and so I got Ponyo, too! Very very cool. And...as well as all that...I got this:



A compact mirror. (Jenna's girliness goes up ten percent!)

Apparently it's for my contacts. Um...yeah.

But yeah. Christmas morning was awesome. And the rest of today is probably going to be hanging out and playing our games and watching movies. It should be fun.

ALSO: Don't do mass texts. Then you end up sending stuff to people you don't talk to anymore that you probably didn't mean to, and, well...that just makes it awkward for everyone, doesn't it? Yeah.

BUT MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE! :D Enjoy your holiday! I know I'm going to. :3

"You look like a boy."

.....
Thank you, Megan. Thank you.

She said this after I'd straightened my hair, which I've kinda been meaning do to for forever to see how it looked with the new 'do. I think it looks nice.



How 'bout you?

Scariest thing ever, though? Having that hot straightening iron so close to the back of my neck. o___o Possibly the scariest thing I've done ever, including the stupid rides Kate got me on this summer.

*shudder*

Okay, maybe not the scariest thing.

But yeah, I had a girly hour. And it was nice. *shrug*

Sledding sledding sledding...

It's kind of funny that someone who wants everyone to be happy causes so much grief. Isn't it?

A happier post for an awesome person.

Who else could I be talking about but.....




....my fantastic cousin Katherine?!?!??!?!

She is my big sister! She tries to help me figure things out, like the comments on this blog obviously show. And she's always, always doing that, no matter what. And I love her for it. :D

Eh...I wanted to have more awesomeness for you, Kate, but my brain is dead. .__.

But THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU~! And I love you a whole bunch. Thanks for being so great. :3

Friends....enemies....frenemies?

I'm kind of sad that I've apparently lost someone as a friend. I mean, even if we didn't really hang out or anything...it's just really sad to go from talking and saying that we loved one another to being completely ignored. I don't care if I shouldn't care about people that don't want to be my friends. Even if you tell me they're not worth my time, I'm gonna care that I lost a friend. I'm just like that, okay? And eventually, I'll probably get over it. But right now, I want to care. It makes me feel more like me and I don't like to play pretend like that. Y'know, fairy princesses and stuff I can do, but not like that.

It was kind of brought to my attention that this lost friend (further known as Si for reasons that are mostly my own) was asked to help plan a surprise for my birthday and had a bit of an outburst about it on the internets. Now, I don't know if Si was actually upset about that or not, but from the information I was given, it kind of seems that way. I can see where they're coming from, kind of. I'm nice to people a lot of the time and it rarely comes back to me. I can see getting frustrated about it, especially if you're more open and out there about it. But part of me just can't help but wonder, was it because it was me? Because it was my birthday? I know, it's terribly narcissistic, but I just can't help it! It's a reasonable and logical conclusion at this point, isn't it? But I don't know. Maybe Si was venting about something else. I can't really say because Si doesn't talk to me. I thought that I was loved and adored and it'd stay that way, but maybe that's what Anna and Luce thought, too. And things certainly were broken for them, weren't they?

A slightly related note: The day before last, people were all discussing being alone and friendless over break. One person was assured they would not be so because they'd hang out and ice skate! I made a quiet comment that I probably would be, meaning it only to be half-joking (because, honestly, how social am I? My birthday and the New Year's things will probably be the extent of my social gatherings the next couple of weeks). The person that was assured asked me why while other people continued to discuss ice skating and I responded with a quick glance towards the assumed culprit for what seems to be a bit of social isolation. I was pleased because my subtlety was picked up on and understood. That person said that the two of us could just hang out or something, then, and I was just a bit more happy. I was a little less happy, though, when someone I talked to more didn't get how or when things sort of 'sploded...that was kind of sad, really.

But the whole point of this? I want to apologize. I want to be better and all that, but my pride's in the way. And I'm afraid to talk to Si because...well...what if they laugh in my face? Or just think I'm trying to make myself feel better? It's partly that, of course, but...I don't know. Maybe it's all that. I just want to be a good person that most people like, you know? And I hate that someone might still be mad at me, even when I apologized...I mean, did I do something else wrong? What was it? Can I fix it? I want to know so I don't do it again. I want to know so maybe I can't have some epiphany, see that either one of us is clearly in the wrong...and get on with my life. Maybe I need to write about it. Writing about it seems to make everything so, so much better.

I think I might be writing a short tale similar to this. Then anything I want can happen. It may or may not end up on Authorly, once it's been finished...but then again, no one ever reads that, right? So what's the point?

I know I've said it time and time again, but arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh I don't like people. :/

It's a pillow...

...and it's a pet. I've got a pillow pet!


(I'm at school so it's stealing an Internet picture for today.)

But it's fluffaly and adorable and comfy. So it's perfect. (Although now Omar and I have matching pillow pets. I'm not sure how I feel about that.) But yeah! I've got the coolest best friend ever and now the Mario and guitar picks seem lame. Maybe if I'd gotten more it wouldn't...but dude! Guitar stuff is expensive, for the most part! I'm sorry, Andrew! D: Plush key chains and lame guitar picks do not match up to the adorableness that is a pillow pet.

I'm not sure if I'm completely enamored with it because it's fluffy, or because it's adorable, or because I'm getting sucked into the fad..thing... or because I'm like a little kid. It could honestly be any of them. xD But I love Panda! ('S it's name...'cause every "real" name I came up with didn't sound good.)

Hmmmmm. I think I did well on my test. I really hope I did, anyway. It seemed pretty easy and I went back over the answers, like, three times...but...I dunno. I took a long time last time and failed. ;___;

BUT TODAY IS THE LAST DAY BEFORE BREAK YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES. So I'm obviously not doing what I should in third hour. But I've gotta speak to practice for Russian now and...that's...it. I'm not gonna practice speaking in the middle of a computer class. And anyway, this has become more of Jenna's Exploring the Internet World of Colleges time. It's probably good, considering I either forget by the time I get home or I just don't feel like it.

WMCAT IS GOING TO BE ON FRIDAYS NEXT SEMESTER. I AM SAD. NOW MONDAY IS MY HAPPY GET-OUT-OF-SCHOOL-EARLY DAY. I LIKED IT BETTER BEING FRIDAY. ._____.

Oh, hey, look. It's Whoa. I almost sang that! (I'm listening to Pandora, btw.)

Oh! Old bestestestesetestestestestet friend from grade school, Miss Allison, posted more in her blog today. Ignoring the few grammatical and spelling errors, both posts were pretty sweet. :] She's over hurr at Intro to Me. She's a pretty good poet, I think, and she already knows it.

nom nom nom.

I dunno. I'm kind of just typing to take up time in this class. *shrug*

I NEED A JOB. Badly.

...or maybe not. I mean, I've got the swim meet stuff, and that'll get me until I'm eighteen, when I'll have better chance of getting a job at, say....Barnes and Noble, right? Right. So I'll wait until then.

.........

But I want moooooooney. And I don't want to do grunt work 'cause I'm tiny and I don't wanna deal with food and people and gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I'm way too picky. I need to be older just so I can get a better job. 'Cause I can't see me dealing with people's crud all day at, like, McDonald's or something. I don't like McDonald's enough to not kill someone for being a jerk. But Barnes and Noble? Heeeeeecks yeah, I could do that. I'd be working at the bestestest store in the whole mall! And I'd be reinvesting a lot of what I made back to them anyway. So it'd be great for them, right?! No. Because they don't want to deal with some kid that can only work so many hours and already has a fantastically full schedule. D:< Darn you, school, band, and WMCAT. I mean, I love all of you...but maybe if I had a more open schedule I'd be able to get a job or something. I dunno.

*crawls into Microsoft Word*
I think I'm gonna go ramble there now.

No Good Deed--

--GOES UNPUNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISHED!

(I would suggest going and listening to that, maybe both in English and in German. German is a really, really good language for this song, I think.)

So, yeah. Wicked. I saw it on Sunday. It was kind of fantastic. All of it. Well, not all of it. Elphaba crawling out of the trap door and running off with Not-Dead Fiyero was kind of a downer, as was the total lack of Liir, but as a whole, it was good. And it was funny. I loved the part where Galinda's just told Elphaba her secret and then throws a fit, saying "I told you a really good one!" after Elphie says that a mysterious bottle was her mother's. And then lays facedown on her bed, away from Elphaba, unmoving. And sits there. And sits there. And sits there. Until Elphie spills about her dad hating her. I loved Galinda then.

And Boq! And Dillamond! And Fiyero! It was all so cool!

Oh, and Vicki Noon, lady who played Elphaba? I wanna be youuuuuuu~

I am even more confused about the whole college thing.

AND IT IS ALL MS. WILSON'S FAULT.

Because she said I was good at math and sometimes I kind of do like it...but I don't know! I like doing nearly everything else, too! It makes me smile when I figure out something in Algebra II and everything makes sense but so does writing, say, 32,000 words (I think I'll continue to brag about this until I *hopefully* beat that record next November) and singing and even my little doodles! Ms. Wilson said that I needed to be a mathematician or an engineer or a physicist or something like that...and the last two sound sorta okay, I guess, but...I dunno! I guess I'm just going to stick with my plan of English major and music minor at Michigan State for now...even though my mom would rather me be at Aquinas 'cause it's so close. It's nice over there, yeah, but...so expensive.

And I'm also ready to kick myself in the butt because I'm being terrible and I just want to be able to say that I miss somebody without freaking out that it's gonna mean crap.

But hey! I have Shane Dawson videos to catch up on. Like, twenty-nine of them. (Yes, I'm rather behind.)

Deep breathes.

That's what I need to take now.
I need to be calm and not walk over to Megan.
I will not strangle, punch, or gouge her eyes out.
I need something to use for relieving stress.
I need someone to decide whether or not musics are happening.
I need last year.
I need last April and May.
Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh I need happy.

Anna Nalick - Shine

I absolutely love Pandora sometimes. That awesome little internet radio or whatever you'd call it gives me suuuuuuuuuch awesome music that I wouldn't normally listen to on a daily basis ('cause, y'know, I have no time or effort to put towards listening to new music). Aaaaaaaaaaand I love this song. It's fantastic, both the song and Pandora.



They make me happy, whether they know it or not...

Yay for mini notes!

'Cause I don't think I can sleep without writing this first.

Dear Person Who Will Remain Unnamed,
wtf HOW DID YOU BELIEVE THAT EVASIVENESS?!?! I know I wouldn't if someone had given me that crap line. Part of me thinks you didn't, but I can't be sure. Did the look I give you make you think it was a stupid question? I certainly hope so. I'd thought to be keeping that to myself for awhile longer. Or, y'know, for forever.
-Jenna

Dear Adorable One,
If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be worrying about this. Gr.
-Jenna

Dear Snow,
Please, please PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE keep on truckin'. I would absolutely love it if there were a snow day tomorrow (although I think Megan would be upset that she couldn't finish her Munny). I would hate to have to walk to WMCAT in snow. Please just give us a day off.
-Jenna
P.S. PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAASE?

Dear God,
Please keep that dog well. There's been enough crap for them.
-Jenna

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's it. Have a pleasant tomorrow, folks.

Ohhhhhhhh yeah.

Dear GRPS board members,

You now have a rather long email in your inbox. 'S what you get for letting everyone know your email. Those of you that don't have your emails readily available will probably be receiving letters soon. Also what you get for letting your addresses being available.

This better do something. Or I'm going to be really mad.

Sincerley,
Jenna Loserface.

Creativity: Why why why why?

Why do I write? Because I love it.

Why do I love it? It's fantastic and I'm much better at it than talking. It lets me get what I'm thinking out into the world in a way that others can understand. Writing gives me time to mull over what I mean and lets me see my thoughts in actuality. I can reread something and then rethink it, while in my head I might lose something before I have time to comprehend what I meant by it.

Why do I sing? Because I love it.

Why do I love it? It makes me happy. I don't know if I'm any good or not, but I feel like I am when I'm just doing it and it makes me feel like I'm awesome. I can interpret the words the way I want and sing them the way they make me feel and though my bland stage performances might say otherwise, I can show emotion when I'm singing. Just watch me sing Wicked in the car, man. And that's another thing. When you're singing those big old notes or Defying Gravity or whatever...how can you not feel great? It's amazing.

Why do I draw? Because I love it.

Why do I love it? It lets me see what I created in my head, like writing. It shows me my characters and all that without it being tossed out of my head. I'm forgetful as heck and it's reassuring that I've at least got a little bit of talent to keep the basic idea of my characters alive. And while I'm drawing, ideas come to me. Personality traits, little obsessions. I learn more about my characters by drawing them.

Why do I love all this? Because they take my mind away from itself and distract me. Without writing, doodling, and singing, I probably wouldn't be as sane as I am today. What do I do when I'm upset in class? I doodle or write. What do I do when I'm sobbing? I try to sing a happy song or I write. Creativity is what keeps me sane; not just music, or writing, or art, but all of it. The act of creating something new of my own keeps me sane.

Now, can I do any of this for a living? I have no idea. I kind of would like to do it all, but, um...that seems kind of difficult to do, don't you think?

why I don't talk

calm calm calm calm calm calm calm calm calm calm calm
people are jerks you can deal with that.
you are logical and assume the simplest explanation.
it's how you are and that's it.
be calm
be calm
you're fine
they're petty
you'll be better
take from this and learn
just don't talk
don't talk
talking gets this
this is why I don't talk.
people overreact?
you overreact
just said something that I observed
you're the one that took it out of context like that
was an observation
not freakout
not a tripping moment of trippiness
I don't do drugs
no, that's you
I'm clean
I'm like bones, like you said
logical
a scientist
occam's razor and all that
you're fine
you're fine
you're fine
you
are
fine
what do I do for you?
I cry
I try to cheer you up
I'm the adorable little older-than-you-girl
always try to make people happy
draw you pictures
write you messages
just try to be happy so you will, too
and you do this
don't want to sound betrayed
no, not like the cliche
just trying to sort it out properly
people might say I'm smart
or mature
or awesome
but I don't feel any of that
just stupid
like a little kid
emotional capabilities of a teaspoon
(I'd quote it properly, but I've got a much greater emotion range than a teaspoon)
need Christmas break
need to get rid of the blended model
need friends that I actually see on a daily basis
need to be better
but don't talk
'cause talking only brings this

I need to know who to send this to.

But, for now, it shall be simply to GRPS. Because they suck so fricking much.

Dear GRPS,

Hi there, I'm just one of your lowly students. I used to be one of the students that thought you had potential, but you've pounded all the optimism out of me. Now I can't wait to graduate and I'm terrified of being all grown up. That's kind of terrible, isn't it? I hate being in your freaking school system so much that I'd rather deal with my fear of growing up. Why do I hate you? Oh, let me count the reasons.

That blended model thing? Utter and complete crap. You're using the same amount of teachers you did before, by the looks of it, so I don't know how you're saving money. I have three different teachers for my math class. Three! And I'm tired of it. Day one, I kind of learn how to do the process of the lesson. Day two, Novanet teaches it to me. Day three, I learn how to do it on the calculator for the test. But guess what? Once that test rolls around, I have no idea what I'm doing. I got a C- on my last test. I am kick butt at math, GRPS. Just ask Mr. Mabin, y'know, the husband of the awesome teacher you pink-slipped at our school about a year and a half ago? Yelled at Mr--oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Garner for messing up one of the Montessori seniors scholarship? Yeah, he knows how good I am at math. I bet he'd be really disappointed in me if he knew I got a C-. I'm freaking in tears because of it. I haven't gotten that bad of a grade on an actual test since Astronomy freshman year, as in the class everyone did horribly in (Brian, Lindsay, and Ryan can back me up on that, I think). Yeah, yeah, I shouldn't be so torn up about a grade, but you know what? I am! I want good grades and I know I could be doing better if it weren't for this stupid system. KIDS DON'T LEARN FROM COMPUTERS, YOU STUPID, STUPID SCHOOL DISTRICT. I thought the big thing nowadays was to get kids off of computers, get them active, blah blah blah. Look at me! I'm ranting about how crappy you guys are on a computer. Because I'm sooooooo used to being on a computer all freaking day. Going to the computer lab used to be a sort of treat in class, y'know? I like writing and researching and all that. Now it's all I do everyday. I just want to get through the lessons on the computer and be done. I'm not learning anything.

MY 3.9 GPA IS GOING TO BE SCREWED UP BECAUSE OF YOU IDIOTS. I HATE YOU.

And I hate that not only do I have to deal with you another year, but my sister has to deal with you for three more. I feel so bad for her. She's smart. She's nice. But if you guys keep it up like this...she's going to get frustrated. She's going to get in trouble for yelling at someone or something. I've already started yelling at people this year because I've gotten frustrated. Luckily for me, though, it's with Weber and he gets that I'm just standing up for myself...I guess...I dunno. But Megan's going to end up frustrated and with bad grades that she doesn't feel like fixing but she doesn't want and...it's all because you guys wanted to save some money. Well, guess what, GRPS? You'll save TONS of money. 'Cause all you're going to get to the point where you don't have ANYONE in your district and then you don't have to pay any teachers or anything. You'll get to keep all your money like you're trying to do now.

Also, Bernie? I don't like you. It might just be because you're the figurehead, the emperor, all that, but I don't like you.

I would say something rude, but I don't want to get in trouble.

-Jenna Loserface

P.S. I swear none of this means I'm gonna go nuts and shoot up the school. I'm just going to unleash the terror that is my mother on the counselling office until I get a traditional Algebra II class.

P.P.S. Did I mention we don't get nearly enough prep time between end of lesson and exam? My group might get a day. A day.

P.P.P.S. I cannot wait for 2012 now. Bright side, if it's the end of the world? Megan won't have to deal with this crap for four years like I'm going to have to.

Eight-legged freaks! O________O

I took on a huge spider yesterday and I emerged victorious. And I did it without screaming my head off, too.

Well, I guess I didn't scream at first because I didn't realize it was a spider. It was kind of crumpled up the first time I saw it, so I thought that if it was a spider, it was already dead. Then I came back around (I was walking like we're supposed to at the beginning of gym, you see) and, well...I saw that it was indeed a spider at it was not dead. Still, I did not scream...just widened my eyes a little. I thought about killing it, but then what would I take care of the remains with? No one else seemed to notice it but me and Evan (thank GOOOOOOOOD) so no one let loose any blood-curdling screams. A couple of girls nearly stepped on it, though. It was kind of funny that even though it was soooo close to the path everyone follows when they walk, it was neither noticed nor stepped on.

But I decided that I better take care of it before someone else saw it, so I asked the one of the teachers, Mr. Ware, if I could have a tissue. He looked around and couldn't find any, then asked if I wanted to go get some. I explained about the spider and he gave me some gauze pads instead. Well, it was time to stretch at this point and I didn't want to lose points, so I ran over and stretched while Mr. Ware looked for the spider. I could still see it from probably ten feet away on the floor (yeah, it was THAT big) and so when we were done with stretches and moving on to the next portion that would most certainly mean the spider would be found, I ran over and squished it.

And BOY, was it gross. The only part that really seemed to get crushed was the abdomen, which burst and left a gross white goo behind. The legs were still stickin' up like it would scuttle away, nothing wrong...and it was GROSS. But I wiped it up with the gauze, tossed it in the trash, and went about gym like normal.

I was a hero to a gym class of people I didn't really like and none of them really knew it other than Evan and Mr. Ware. wtf. xP

Also, super side note: WHAT THE HEY I THINK I HAVE A FOLLOWER I DON'T KNOW? O____O Welcome, Rebecca. If you are someone I know that I'm just not thinking of, please let me know. I'd feel terrible if I kept thinking that you were some stranger I randomly gained as a follower. xD

I'm thankful for a lot of things.

Most of them being awesome people.

But right this second? Right now, right in this moment, I'll be really thankful if Madison ends up being alright. Because her raspy breathing, inability to get comfortable, red, irritated skin and vomiting is kind of scaring me. Especially because it's not the first time this month it's happened. It's getting to be kind of terrible. I can't tell if this snoring is how she usually snores or if it's worse than usual.

I feel sort of silly asking for well wishes for my dog, but...she's part of the family, nonetheless, so...if you would, please send 'em this way. I think our old girl could use them.



(Also, this is my sister's picture. Not mine. :p)

There goes that plan.

Oi. So, y'know how I had a grand old plan of how I was going to go to Michigan State, do the English major with a music minor la-dee-da, world's perfect? Well now I don't know if I want to do that anymore because DARNIT I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't know if it's terrible that I worry about this now or not, but what if I don't worry about it now and I need to? What if I don't and I just burn myself out wondering? It's terrible. I don't know what to do. At all.

I love to write. I really do. But I can't finish anything big to save my life. And I don't know how well I could turn that into something that would keep me off the streets and making money, y'know? I don't want to do any of that nonfiction stuff because I'm horrible at it. And I don't like writing it. But I don't know if it's me being picky and just "eeeehhhh, I don't really care to do that, so I won't" or if I'd turn into someone that completely hates their job or what!

And I'm so happy when I sing. I don't know if I'm nearly good enough to go anywhere with it, despite somebody saying I'll go far with it (Was he being nice? Was he speaking the truth?), but I do think it'd be kind of great to be able to do that. I mean, I look at bands and singers I like and think "Wow, I could be like that some day." Of course, being the little introvert I am, I don't know if that'll ever happen, but who knows? I don't, that's for sure.

But I also like taking things apart and science and even sometimes math. (I know, real shocker, but it's logical and always has a right answer, okay?) Based on the stuff I've seen my dad do and from Wasted Talent (lovely journal comic by a Canadian engineering gal) that might be right up an engineer's alley. Or maybe I could do something in chemistry or biology or something. I don't know.

That's pretty much the whole premise of this post: I have no idea what I'm doing here. And the college letters that have been arriving almost every other day, it seems? Not helping. Not helping at all. I have a million things I'd like to learn more about, only a vague idea of where I might learn them, and absolutely no idea how I'm going to pay for it all.

Which kind of brings me to the in-state-out-of-state thing. I personally would like to stay in state so I won't have to pay any nasty non-resident tuitions. 'Cause, really, I don't want to pay more money. But if they decide to give me a full ride, well...that would certainly be a different story. :p

And...and...AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. I have no job, no idea what I want do to, no nothin', which, yes, is a double negative, but you get what I mean. I don't know what I want to do with my life. At all. I need to figure out that one thing that I absolutely LOVE doing and can't live without and then implement it into the work force. And that shouldn't be too hard, right? e___e

I want to crawl in a hole.

And stay there until it's time for me to graduate.

It probably wouldn't be that hard, would it? I mean, two of my classes are either partially or completely online anyway. Why not just do that year round? I'm sure I'll be good to go when June 2012 comes around. I'm just kind of tired of dealing with school, you know? The people, the stupid conversations, the tests, the teachers, the work, I really, really don't want to deal with it!

And seriously! What happened to collecting more less stressful guy friends, hm? It seems more like I just said "WHELP! All these people suck and I'm afraid I don't quite fit in with these people half the time, so let's just sit by myself at lunch!" Not that I don't like sitting on the floor in my corner. Helped my Russian speaking practice a tad today.

And...and...ugh! Love, guys, gals, all that crap! Do not want to deal with. But the thoughts will not go away and IT'S FRUSTRATING. I just wanna focus on school or having fun or having friends and what do I do instead? Worry whether or not someone likes me and throw a mental tantrum when it seems they probably don't. Geez, I'm such a child. Notice I said "child" and not "kid." I don't mind being a kid, but being a child? Being childish? Yeah, that I don't like so much.

Y'know what? SCREW THE PHYSICS TEST. I will just write some sort of BS on an index card and just answer the questions best I can. I don't give a rat's behind anymore.

(yes you do liar)

Gall, I've been reading too much Stephen King.

*kicks wall several times*

I'm...just...urrrrrrrgh. Wishing that it was Christmas break coming up, not Thanksgiving. I'd much rather look forward to more time off and presents than a five day weekend and stuffing my face.

*crawls in hole*

K, until I can get my classes online, I need someone to take stuff to and from school for me. Any volunteers?

Today has been tiring.

But I didn't do anything! I didn't even get up really early or go to bed late last night. I guess it could be because I haven't gotten as much sleep as I should have and actually sleeping well is freaking out my system? I dunno.

I was also ravenous today. Like, really, really hungry. That was also weird. I hope it means I'm hankerin' for growth spurt, 'cause, well...that'd be great. :D Kate grew in her freshman year of college, so why can't I grow in my junior year in high school?

Ummmmm........I dunno. Weirdness today? I dunno.

ALSO. WHAT IS UP WITH A COUNTDOWN TO ABC FAMILY'S COUNTDOWN? I admit I kind of enjoy a little bit of Christmas here and there, but it isn't even Thanksgiving yet! I don't want to be tired of Christmas before it even gets here! Ugh!

Haikus have also kind of been floating around in my head still. I had one in my noggin yesterday but didn't get to paper quick enough to write it down. But, whatever. I'm alright with that.

I also left a note for someone in a library book that I returned the other day. Hopefully, they'll get that book first...hopefully, if they don't, the person that does get it will replace the note like I asked...if not, well, then...poop.

I'm also very, very, very behind in my novella for NaNoWriMo. xD Although, if I'm shooting for only thirty thousand words...I'm doing great! About sixty percent done, I think. It's making me feel great. :D

Aaaaaaaaaaaand....I think I have stuff to do for the Crucible. But I'm too tired to read anymore right now and I need to read to do the work, sooo...Nenna ain't getting any work done today. Oh wells. I'll make stuff up later or something.

Also, I've been reading a lot of The Bitchy Waiter lately. He's kind of hilarious, but I also never, ever want to work with food and people ever. Which sucks because apparently Barnes and Noble almost never hires anyone under eighteen. Anyone have any job suggestions for me?

I now have a headache, too. Urgh. It's time for bed, I think.

I's a haikubot.

'S a reference to a book. Idlewild series. Go read it. It's great.

Anyway, I got on a haiku spree today for some reason. And I thought I'd share some with you guys. :D (I would put these on Authorly, but it seems like no one ever pays attention to that. I feel so bad for the poor dear. :c)

Caffeine
Crashing like a plane
Out of sky, down to the Earth
Gosh I'm tired

...is tired one syllable or two? I can never really tell. ;__;

Progress 1
I weep for progress
I thought you would beat this habit
It's back to square one

Progress 2
Again, I weep now
The lengths you made are now gone
Tut tut, looks like rain

Edenborn: Penny
Haikubot wins all
Always seeing what is there
Penny is a bitch

Edenborn: Deuce
I sit and I watch
Learn you better than you know
I'm not a creeper

Midnight Showing
Sleep deprivation
Makes me write haikus a lot
Huh, how weird is that?

Green-eyed
Mountain Dew, green can
Like my eyes, a monster comes
I want to be them

Cute
I say you are cute
You just don't look it, do you?
But you sure act it

Central
I know ignorant
Has been used incorrectly
But you's ignorant

Half-Blood
"I wub Won-Won"
Lavender says, all in love
She must have a cold

Neither Here nor There
I smile shyly here
Want to murder your face there
I like here better

Russian
телеви3op дом
бабушка кровати кресла
That's just nonsense there

Burn Her
We're not in Salem
Yet I hear persecution
She's a witch, a witch!

Harry P vs. Escape the Fate
Proud to miss movies
Freaking out about concerts
Teenagers are weird


(The Russian one says "television home grandma bed armchair", btw. xD)

Also:

I think someone should make a photocopy of Shawn Spencer as he is now (y'know, slightly more mature, realizing things, etc) and make him about seventeen or eighteen. And let me have him.

:D

....I needs more Psyyyyyyyyyyyych....

Pretty Woman's on, btw.

I've never understood sleeping with someone in high school.

I mean, other than pretty much being a bad idea in case of teen pregnancy and crap, it's the most awkward time of your life. You're still learning about yourself and all that, so...why throw sex in there to make it even more complicated? And high school relationships don't last that long...so if you sleep with someone, there's a good chance you'll break up, and then...then you have to go to school with someone that's seen you naked and you're not dating. How awkward is that? I just don't get it.

This also applies to moving in. (No offense meant to people that have done this, but...) If high school relationships are already short, you'll be in their house, what, a few months? Then you're broken up and everything's terrible. And you have to move. Who wants to move after a break up in high school? I've only dealt with one so far and I just wanted to curl up in a ball. Unless the person was a complete jerk, I think that my reaction was pretty common for most break ups. And how are you supposed to deal with someone all the freaking time during this time? Like I said, awkward as frick, and I dunno...I don't think I could handle being with my boyfriend almost 24/7. I could barely handle it with him hanging off me at school all the time. (Affection's great and all, but...)

Blaaaaaaaaaaargh. And. I dunno. People are silly when it comes to this stuff sometimes, y'know? I mean, isn't this supposed to be practice? And wouldn't you want to work out all the really important parts of a relationship before you throw in living together and sex? We're only high schoolers, guys. We don't need that stuff on top of school and bullies and getting prepared for college and finding jobs and all that. A significant other should be someone you can relax with and that takes your stress away, right? In my opinion, living together and sleeping with each other does not take stress away, but add a whole lot more.

And it's stupid to try and right something when it goes completely to crap. You have to catch your mistake before they leave, not after. Don't be House. Don't push it to the limit to see when it breaks.

I dunno. I'm not very happy how something is turning out like it did for me. But, y'know, worse, because more stuff was thrown in there. And they actually saw each other. But, look! In the long run, I guess not seeing him made it better for me. Less clinginess.

...right?

Also, I am going to be so mad if this ends up starting all over again.

Good news, bad news.

Good news: The angry red bump on my nose is clearing up!
Bad news: Two more have appeared.

Good news: I've nearly hit ten thousand words for my NaNoWriMo "novel!"
Bad news: I'm supposed to be at about fifteen thousand by now. xD

Good news: I've decided I don't care about being behind! I'm writing an itty bitty novella now and shooting for about 30,000 words.
Bad news: This means I get no prize for NaNoWriMo. xD

Good news: I'm being mature! I'm doing a good thing! I'm moving on!
Bad news: I could very well be lying to myself and only doing it to feel better/get someone back. I'm probably going to be accosted by people I care about for this like I was for apologizing to Micah and Kevin way back when. (Apologizing to Kevin I don't exactly regret; I wish I would have punched Micah.)

Good news: Zoe's talkin' to meeeee!
Bad news: She's telling me I'm wrong. wtf.

Good news: I'm pretty sure I definitely have a crush! :D This makes me happy!
Bad news: It's never going anywhere because I don't want what's happened two out of three times to happen again. All three times were a disaster, actually, if you look at the complete end result.

Good news: I can kind of joke about being a homewrecker!
Bad news: I kind of was once. Rachel and Omar. Gah.

And...that's it. Even though I wrote both...I think I'm going to have to focus on the good. 'Cause otherwise I'ma think I'm a banana tree.

(bonus points to the person who gets that reference thar)

....

(remember, you want those bonus points so you don't die ;D)

Will it never end?

Okay, so the emo apparently isn't ending tonight, either. But tonight it's not my own angsty feelings I'm worried about. I'm more worried about the crap some of my "friends" (yeah, I'm usin' quotation marks, bitches) may have put my mom through. And with "lol" attached, too.

God, can you people not read?

She is obviously my mom. Telling an adult to grow up is freaking retarded and disrespectful, especially when they're just telling you that they had a freaking meltdown from having to go through their recently deceased mother's clothes. How would you like it if someone told you to grow up after going through your dead parents' belongings when you just weren't ready yet? If she wants to be pissed, by God, I think she has the right to be pissed. It might not be the best way to take care of her anger, but you know what? You grow up and understand. You don't have to condone it, but at least don't tell her to freaking grow up.

Before, I was pissed you pushed off telling us about it until nine o'clock. Now? Now I'm ready to punch someone for hurting my mom.

Ah, shizz. Please excuse the language. I'm channelin' a Runaway or something.

Tonight is not where the emo stops.

I am in a horrible, horrible mood and hating on myself and everything else. So, tonight, I'm gonna be a little emo. Of course, now that I'm actually writing, my minibreakdown has completely stopped, but hey, whatever. Basic idea is still there.

People are retarded. Especially when they make last minute decisions on shizz. It's freaking ridiculous and ruins my fun. Ruins a lot of peoples fun, actually. Some people were actually looking forward to college day. It was even stated that hey, a lot of people don't have stuff that would fit retro day. SO WHY CHANGE IT? And even if you were going to change it, for the love of God, ANNOUNCE IT WHEN EVERYONE'S IN THE FREAKING BUILDING. SHOULD THAT NOT BE YOUR FIRST CONCERN, THAT EVERYONE GETS THE MEMO? Gawsh. I hate being in a hub because NO ONE TAKES YOU INTO CONSIDERATION. The teachers can't do retakes because you're not available three days a week (or four, if you're in WMCAT, too) and so the only day you can do ANYTHING EVER is Friday and NO ONE WANTS TO STAY AFTER ON FRIDAY.

This is STUPID. I kind of like being able to meet kids from different schools and I've adjusted well, but that part? That part is just STUPID.

And then there's my emo alone feelings. I'm being stupid about them, I know. The alone bit is my fault, too, because I hardly ever reach out to anyone. But...I feel like sometimes I'm being forced to reach out all the time. It's always "Jenna, why don't you come sit with us?" instead of people just plopping down beside me. I know it's the floor, guys, but it's really not that bad. The only people that ever sit by me on the floor are Jade and the random girls from an earlier post. Jade doesn't come to school much anymore, so I'm pretty much on my own there.

And it seems like everyone always gets the support and encouragement they need to not go crazy...except me. Again, this is kind of my fault, I guess, because I'm so internal...but I'm not that internal, am I? I let people know when I'm upset enough. If you know me, you know the signs.

But then again, that's the problem, isn't it? No one really knows me anymore and I never see the people that do know me. I guess I'm kind of coming out of my shell, but not fast enough.

And...and...I wanna protect my little sister, I really do. Some idiot girl at school called her an ugly ho, and although I know who the girl is and she's even in my gym class (obnoxious Marissa, for those of you that have gym with me), but a part of me that is too much in control doesn't want to get in trouble or hurt myself. (Of course, the maybe-so-maybe-faux fact of her having a parole officer and assaulting a thirty-five year old woman twice doesn't help my hesitation, either.)

I'm just not in a good mood tonight/today and I can't sleep because I'm upset and I really wish I'd stop feeling like I only have two people on my side sometimes.

And I really, really, really, really want a hug.

WHAT THE HEZZICKS.

DOES NO ONE KNOW WHAT CRITIQUE MEANS ANYMORE. I WANT TO SEE SOMETHING THAT'S WRONG WITH MY WRITING AND FIX IT.

Maybe I should ask Mrs. Williams if she'll help me. 'Cause I feel like I must be doing something wrong. I have to, right? Right.

Ahhhhhhh I want to be able to write more but MY BRAIN IS DEAD FOR WRITING!

NOOOOOOOOOO!

I STILL HAVE 45,000 WORDS TO WRITE.

NOOOOOOOOOO!

....I'ma watch the Redwings now. ;___;

(....I'm talking about NaNoWriMo, btw. If that makes it make more sense.)

Blah blee bloo.

I GOT TALKED TO TODAY.

I FEEL KIND OF LIKE MARTEN.

DON'T GET IT?

GO HERE. THE FIRST FEW COMICS SHOULD BE ENOUGH EXPLAINING, I THINK.

....gosh I'm so weird.

BUT I WAS TALKED TO.

PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I FLOAT AROUND ON AIR AND CONTINUE TO NOT-WRITE FOR NANOWRIMO, DESPITE THE DOCUMENT BEING OPEN.

....eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

(....that was more of a Dora noise than a Marten noise.)

I am SO...rrgh.

Frustrated. But not, y'know? The feeling's sorta there, but...not. Ergh. Or maybe it is, 'cause I'm getting all frustrated about not being able to describe it!

But anyway. Originally I was frustrated by the fact that while my mother TOLD ME my book was in at the library, it very much was not! D: The stupid thing's been in transit for two days now and it's just moving from downtown to the library by my house! Ugh! Curse you, Evan, for making me want to read Idlewild so badly! .__. Curse you, Library System, for giving me the Scott Pilgrim books when I was ready to wait for them but taking eons to get me a book that was already on the shelf! D:<

On that note, I've tried rereading my books I have here at home...but...I'm just not interested in them! >< I don't understand! It's not like I was trying to read the Twilight Saga! My books are interesting! There're alien centaurs and living magical vampires and and interesting stuff! It's not fair!

I'm also frustrated by the fact that I wanna go something creative, but my brain just WON'T GIVE ME ANYTHING. Ugh. That Authorly thing I posted? It was from yesterday. When I got bored. >>

I'm also frustrated--no, more intrigued, really--by how this Kinect thing might work, but not enough to actually google it. Not yet, anyway.

My mind is blown by the fact that I never connected Binx from Hocus Pocus and McGee from NCIS. I know didn't watch NCIS much when I was younger, but...still. I can't NOT see McGee now. It's weird. And kinda frustrating.

But! Bright side? I think I might have a crush again, which means more lovely butterfly feelings! It still might be too early to say for sure not. I kind of really hope I do, though, 'cause it just makes life so much more interesting. Especially when SOOOOOMEONE REFUSES TO DO SOMETHING FUN. >> (My choir buddies agree with me on that "not ready" comment that I can only assume was for moi. ...if it wasn't, please ignore my silly narcissistic assumptions.)

Also, I looked cute today. Which was a plus. :)

I'm not being fair here. At ALL.

But I don't really care.

Somebody had a mental breakdown. I've felt like I've had miniature ones a GAZILLION TIMES since about last October. Has anyone ever helped me with them? Not in person, no, not really. I know I don't burst into tears or anything, but that's just 'cause I'm a little bit better at pretending I'm okay, I guess. I've had more practice, considering I've been a 'crybaby' since forever.

I'm not being fair to this person for getting all upset because they got upset and got help. I'm not being fair by being just a little bit angry at them (okay, maybe more than a little bit). I'm resenting that they got help from people that I thought were supposed to know me (but then again, maybe not) and I'm just really, really mad that I've only ever gotten direct help when I've burst into tears or kind of just run into someone for a hug, while being near tears.

This kind of brings me back to an incident last school year, beginning of the trimester, I think. Or maybe it was the middle of the second one. Yeah, I think that's what it was. Anyway, I came into first hour a lot of the time feeling like complete and utter crap. There was a lot of teary-eyed, let's-get-through-my-first-two-classes-and-lunch-then-band-will-make-everything-better moments. I know, it sounds all emo and crap, but it's the truth. But even though I came in like this more than half the time, nobody noticed. Then somebody walks in and just gives a bit of a sigh and it's all "OHHHH WHAT'S WROOOONG?" I was pretty angry at people then, too.

But I'm not being fair here. I don't make it apparent when I'm upset. I'm good at keeping it locked in until it's just too much to bear. Usually the only feelings I have issues holding are my gonna-strangle-someone moments (something this new band should be very aware of by now). It's just not right for me to ask all of my friends to know when I'm sad or angry without making it at least a little apparent. Two way street and all that, right?

Bleh. I dunno. I'm just not in a very understanding mood today, I guess.

My first almost-actual letter...

Dear Prince(ss) Charming,

I don't know where you are or who you are or even your gender. And I don't really care. I just know that you're my twue wuv and I think it'd be neat if you came into my life sometime soon. Because life has gotten boring and I think that'd be the best way to make it interesting. So, wherever you may be, take off like a rocket to here, okay? 'Cause I'll love you and you'll love me and it'll all be great. Right? Right.

But seriously. Get over here. Now.

Thank you.

Love (eventually, someday),
Jenna

I am never ever EVER sitting by myself at lunch again.

Or at least not in my lovely little now-quiet corner (I say now-quiet because the people that were crowding it before can sit downstairs again--hallerlujah).

Why? Because a couple of girls decided to take me under their wing. And I'm pretty sure they're younger than me. I don't like maybe-freshman-girls-that-I-don't-know pitying me. 'S not cool, man.

They just randomly came over and started talking to me at lunch. Of course, they started with the unavoidable question: Why're you sitting all alone over here?

Why? 'Cause it's quiet. I like it. I can watch part of the concourse and part of the lunch room at the same time. I can think. I can read. I can write. I can mess with my phone or listen to my iPod and not worry about a security guard running off with it. (Of course, the answer they get is just because it's quiet.)

Oh. Are you new?

No.

What grade are you in?

Eleventh.

Have you been here all three years?

Yeah.

Do you have any friends?

Yeah.

Why don't you sit with them?

They're loud.

Oh. ... *leave*

HALLELUJAH! THEY'RE GONE! PLEASE, OH LORD, KEEP THEM AWAY!

.... *comes back* Have you ever been pregnant?

....no.

Do you have a boyfriend?

No.

Do you want a boyfriend?

Eh. *shrug*

Have you had a boyfriend?

Yeah.

Let's go to the vending machines! Come with?

No, I'm good here, thanks.

Oh, okay. *toddles off*

*turns face up to the ceiling* PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE KEEP THEM AWAY!!

That was how my lunch went.

I am never ever ever ever ever sitting in that corner alone again.

(This isn't necessarily the order they asked their questions in, but it's what I remember.)

There's no real difference.

Y'know, between a bikini and ladies underwear. Why's it okay to gallivant around in public in the former but not the latter? 'Cause we've just decided it should be?

I dunno. I just realized this morning that this was true when some people were talking about how a friend wouldn't do underwear modelling, but if it was a bikini, then it'd be different.

How's it different? Because it's different material? I mean, swim suits get wet. And then the material clings. How is that any better than seeing a lady in her undies? Underwear stays dry, at least. (Or at least it should.) Honestly? I've seen a lot of bikinis that are a looooot skimpier than most of my underwear. This might just mean I have some pretty chaste undies, but still. 'S not right.

People are weird. So, so weird.

'Sploded!

Yeah, I kind of did that on Thursday. (And by "kinda", I mean we needed that safety glass they have on Mythbusters.) Kid in band was pelvic thrusting (NOT doing the Time Warp) towards the back of me and another kid was laughing at it. After we went through and did the show a couple of times, it kind of sounded to me like the kid that'd been laughing was trying to coerce (right word? I think it is) the kid that'd been doing it into doing it again. So I turned around and screamed at them to quit it. I also hit the laughing kid once, but only a quick jab to the shoulder, 'cause that's all I ever do when I hit somebody. And, because frustration/anger = tears with me, I had some issues playing after that. >> But I still went through doing the pictures and stuff 'cause, well, I needed to. Three practices a week means you need to be there every day doing what you're supposed to be doing.

......
*coughcoughkevinhackcough*

Nina and the other City kids that've done it don't get included in that because they do a better job of catching up, they're not annoying, and didn't do the part of the Time Warp that really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-a-ane.

I was really quite worried when I'd gotten my senses back and saw everyone staring back at us (we were an eye of a smiley face, so we were pretty much the farthest back) that everyone would see me as the crazy chick that yells at everyone. I really, really didn't want to be like Sharron. ....no offense meant to her, but I don't like yelling at people, no matter how much stress it relieves. .___. To my surprise, though, one kid told me that it'd been "amazing, they always annoy me so much" and a bunch of other kids asked me what'd happened and if I was okay. xD A freshman (I'm pretty sure Julian's a freshman, anyway) who seems to be pretty buddy-buddy with the laughing kid most of the time even asked me if I wanted him to beat them up and to let me know if they were bullying me again. I told him no, I didn't want him to beat them up, and thought, 'no, I'm not going to go to you if they're bullying me. You are probably two years younger than me. xP' Everyone doing that made me feel like they were on my side, which made me happy. :D

But then I worried about it happening anyway, and I really didn't want to be seen like that at all, so I decided I would apologize to them. It was pretty easy to apologize to Kevin because he is some sort of a pseudo-friend, even though he's a jerk a lot of the time and told me it was okay because my standing up for myself was just a "bitchy attack." In hindsight, I probably should have asked him if that what he was doing should have been considered a "retarded attack", but maybe not. That would have just stirred things up again. Apologizing to the other one was harder, though, 'cause he's the kid that I've kind of disliked since I first saw him: Micah. I mean, Carter saw him for two seconds and said he looked like "such a douchemonkey" (excuse my language, please, I'm just quoting her). I did end up apologizing to him, though, because I felt I really shouldn't have yelled at them like that. I don't like doing it and it's not mature. He accepted my apology and said he was sorry for laughing. It was all okay then.

Except he wouldn't listen to the guy I would assume has been appointed band major because I think he's either the only or the most competent senior in band and was telling the drummers to play, even though that really should have been Brian's (the senior) job.

(Somewhat secretly, I was kind of disappointed he apologized back, though, because I sort of wanted to hold it against him that he wasn't mature enough to do it. But then again, maybe he just did it to look good.)

And to everyone that thinks I shouldn't have apologized and settled things with my fists:
A) I am NOT LIKE THAT! I don't like people being angry with me and I don't like being mean to people. So it made me feel terrible. If you must, pretend I did it completely for my own conscience instead of just partly.
B) DO YOU REALLY THINK I COULD SETTLE ANYTHING WITH MY FISTS?!?!? Maybe with a body tackle of sorts during soccer or hockey ball, but not my fists. Geez, people.

All in all, though, I think this will be a good experience. I've had it waaaaaay too easy the past couple of years when it's come to conflict. xP I'll learn how to tell people they're annoying the crap out of me without being terrible or explosive.

Oh, and because I feel like I'll never post this ANYWHERE if I don't do it now: That Micah? Yeah, he called Weber coach once. It made me giggle. A lot. xD

For a pessimist...

....I'm pretty optimistic.

Those are the lyrics, aren't they? Or maybe I've got them backwards. I dunno. I'm too lazy to look them up right this second.

But if you didn't catch the reference from those, I've kinda been thinking about Paramore. And how awesome they are. And how I want to be like Hayley so, so much. I mean, she's tiny, adorable, spunky, gorgeous, a pretty great role model, and she's able to do what she loves for a living. It might not last forever, but...so far, I think they've got a chance to at least go for a little while longer.

But really. I would love to do what she's doing. To be like her. But I don't think I'll ever be able to be as confident and nonchalant about things with seemingly everyone as she is. Because that's just who I am.

I want to sing in a band. Mrs. Williams asked me if I wanted to ever try out for American Idol and was surprised when I said no. She pointed to the part in my outline for my personal essay that said I really, really wanted to sing. But I guess she didn't understand that it wasn't just the singing I wanted, but the being a part of something. I liked working with the guys back in May to make the songs work for the Rock Band concert. I know, it's been months, I should give it up already, but I can't. And why not? Because it won't let me go, I guess. It's stuck its claws in me and I don't see myself prying them out anytime soon.

If I ever really did get into a band that worked *coughcoughhackandrewcoughhack*, it could work with my life and plans. I don't really need college to write; I'm already great at it, right? And if I had a little bit of cash to fall back on (assuming the band actually did really well), then I could always try the part-time school bit. There are plenty of colleges that do online stuff nowadays. If I could get the band thing to work for me, I would do anything to keep it. I know it because I just want it so freaking badly.

Is all this realistic? I have no idea. But, oh good golly gosh do I want it to be.

Things that are cool and things that aren't.

Things that I've thought were cool the past couple of days?

Soccer, little things that are random but make me smile, writing, drawing, and laaaaa dee daaaa singing. The little bit of Halloween shopping we've done, the fifteen minutes we spent in New 2 You (new record that will be VERY hard to beat), getting a free coupon at the Halloween store, the yummy food at Pizza Hut, realizing what I need to do if someone's crying really hard, and the Spartans winning. Gooooooo scary Greek guys. :) And the time I've been able to spend reading.

Things that I've thought weren't so cool?

Crying until I hyperventilate, not having anyone to tell me what to do when I was crying so hard, being yelled at, having my plans ruined once and then again, losing the soccer game (but that was kind of alright, I guess), being really, really mad at someone I love, and maybe losing a friend and being somewhat relieved about it.

That last one makes me feel kind of horrible.

On a happier note, though, I'm glad somebody's pokin' me on Facebook. :) It's like I'm not quite forgotten after all.

Toodles and I hope the remaining hours of your weekend are great~

"No difficulty can awe you once you make your decision."

That's what my slightly-less-than-awesome-tasting school fortune cookie's fortune said at lunch yesterday. About twenty minutes prior to this, I'd discovered I had an ideal what and where to do this college thing other than silly ol' GRCC (sorry, awesome people that go there/went there, I'm just looking for something a little bigger and more impressive, I guess? It's still my back up plan, if that makes you feel any better).

What've I decided? Major in English and minor in music. This was kind of my plan from before, but I couldn't find a school that would let me do that. THEEEEEEEN those MyCollegeOptions.org people that gave us those forms emailed me, and I decided to check out their website, and BAM! Jenna had a plan. MSU let me do what I wanted, it wasn't University of Michigan, it's kind of close to home...ish....and it's not too expensive for a good school.

I was pretty geeked when I realized I had a real ideal of what I wanted to go to school for and where I was going to do it. It's kind of a really nice relief. Now I just need scholarships! Which, too anyone else, might be daunting. But fortune cookie told me I was okay, so I feel okay!

Life is so cool sometimes, isn't it?

I feel so weird sometimes.

So, I just spent a couple of minutes looking at my eyes and trying to figure out what the yellow webby bits could be in my iris. It's not just an obsession with my eyes, please realize, my eyes are just the most accessible without looking too strange.

While looking at them and trying to figure out what the yellow webby bits could be, I realized I could see my reflection in the mirror reflected in my pupils.

It made me smile.

I just felt like sharing my strangeness with all of you. ♥

Now it's time for sleep!

Rawrgh.

I need to dump everything that's in my head. I feel like making it public. So there.

I'm tired and feeling crappy for no reason.

Ottawa Invite went alright today. Not too many things went wrong. Just printer and scoring issues. Otherwise it was okay.

Things are changing big time with somebody I haven't really known that long. It's kind of scary to think that something so big is happening when I just got to know them.

I miss liking someone a whole bunch, but I feel like I'm being...I don't know what word I'm looking for here, but I just feel like that if I want to be normal and functioning person, I need to be able to be okay without liking someone.

Russian is being stupid. I hate this course but I want to finish it a) because I already started it and b) I think an independent study in high school would probably look good to colleges. And I need some free moneys.

Which reminds me...Ottawa was stupid, as usual, and made me give them my social security number and sign all these stupid forms instead of just giving me money. The real kicker? I'll probably have to wait weeks for a check of maybe twenty bucks. I'll make more money and get it right when I'm done on Monday (maybe) and Thursday for less time spent working. wtf.

I want pizza. We're not ordering it yet.

The "If you really knew me" things are making me sad and want to hug every single one of those people and punch all the idiots with their stupid comments.

I want to go do something tonight but I don't know what.

I'm kind of lying; I know what I'd like to go do, but I don't know who to go with.

No, that's a lie, too. I know who I want to go with, but I'm afraid to ask them about it.

I want more of a social life but with only a few select people. I'm begging for to get out of this house, but I'm picking and choosing who I want to get out with. I'm being stupid.

I want to add more to my story but I can't think of where to go now. I want someone to read it through so far and tell me what they think...but that might be mostly so I can have something to make me want to write other than getting the story out. I want to finish it, but...I just don't have the motivation. The only reason I finished Christian Rock is because Jade wanted to read it. I don't have anyone to read and push for more for this Untitled Harriet+Karen project (yes the same Harriet and Karen from Authorly, if you can remember that far back).

I think that's it.

But maybe not.

I'm just....eh.

Just sayin'....

....but if you play guitar, bass, or drums, you should let me know.

Weber, Joe, Omar, Marcos, Edward, Chris Tett, Chris Best, etc, etc, if any of you ever read this, YOU DON'T COUNT. D: I already know you play whatever you play. So nyeh.

That is all.

I am NOT crazy.

Not yet, anyway.

But the way some people seem to NOT be listening to me when I'm trying to tell them something makes me think that maybe, hey, I'm only imagining that I said anything at all.

Except that other people know I said something, so I'm not crazy. Unless they are, too. And we're hallucinating the same thing. That's not very likely, is it?

First time was yesterday when this City kid in marching band was talking about Forest Hills Central while they were warming up for the game. Y'know how football players sometimes do that little jog-around-their-half-of-the-field thing so they can sloooowly get warmed up and not hurt themselves? Well, obviously Micah (the kid) has never seen this done and started complaining about how STUPID and SLOW they were. I got a little upset and (oops) 'sploded a tad. I turned around and almost-screamed at him about how they're getting ready for the game and just to shut up. As skinny as the kid is, I doubt he could do any better. That "stronger than you'll ever be" shizz he was pulling on Union-Kevin is hard to believe. I bet I could still kick his butt. Anywho, he just continued calling it stupid like I hadn't said anything ad ignored me. I dunno if it's because he couldn't understand me (I get really fast and high-pitched when I'm upset sometimes... xD) or because he thought I was yelling at someone else. But yeah. I buried my face in TrevTrev's shoulder and asked him if I'd just imagined it in my head. He said I hadn't. I wanted to punch Micah in the face a little bit. But I think Weber would be upset if I did that. And that would be bad.

Second time was today during the REC soccer game (which, sadly, we lost; but we got the first goal with only one sub against their four-subs-and-switching-every-five-minutes, so, eh, whatever) and I was trying to get the defense line to move up 'cause I'm sweeper most of the time and sort of in charge of it a little bit. Or at least I get to yell at them to move. But, yeah, Coach was trying to get me to get them to move, so I was yelling at 'em, and they were just standing there, not even a foot apart from each other, maybe talking, I dunno. They were girls, of course (reason numero uno I like to be around guys more e________e) and I ended up screaming a little at them, too (oops). I think they don't like me much anymore. xD But that's okay. I don't like them much most days, either.

Playing soccer is soooo much fun. I think I might actually try and STAY on the Ottawa team this year since I'm going to be old to play for the REC team after my birthday. *tear* I'm terrified that if I do, though, I'll kill myself with all the crap. xD Maybe it's better that we have semesters again. Then I have less to worry about a little bit, what with only having one switch of classes! And I won't have exams nearish the start of soccer, either. So maybe it would be okay.

And I think I've got serious shin splints. It hurt to just be standing after the game today. xD Gym + soccer + stairs = BAD. So, so bad. But that's okay. It just means I'll get stronger!

....right?

Bright side: I haven't torn my ACL. :D ...yet. That stupid red shirt guy probably came close last week. ;___;

But tomorrow I'm walkin' around Artprize with my dad and Megan! Woot! :DDDD

OH! And I made a playlist to listen to when I'm doin' Novanet or something and I picked all songs from the last five years or so! I'm so proud of myself. ♥

(There, Katherine, I copied and pasted. I still like doing less than three better.)

I had a coolish blog post planned out.

Or at least it seemed coolish in my head. It was gonna be about how I JUST REALIZED last night what I've been missing since the end of the school year (other than people that have graduated and the non-hub system): The singing thing! And people knowing me in the hall because of it and telling me I did a good job! Or a great job! Or that I was awesome! I really, really miss that!

So, yeah, I was going to write about that...but then Andrew said he wanted me to sing, so now I just have to find guitarists, bassists, drummers. And I don't know any. xD Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.

Uhhhh. That's kind of it. I just wanted to write SOMEWHERE other than the Faceybook that I found it funny that I was thinking about it last night/this morning and then POOF! College kids suck and I want you to sing. xD

Oh! I FINALLY NOTICED THAT STATS BUTTON! AND CLICKED IT! And somehow I have gotten fourteen page views from India this week. And two from a DSi. Hmmmmm, wonder who that could be? ;P

I'm actually really excited that my page has been stumbled upon by people that aren't American. :'D Even if it was a glance-and-take-off sort of thing.

*crawls into hole*

Yeah, I dunno. I...I just don't feel like dealing with people right now.

Maybe it's because I'm really tired. Or 'cause GRCC--er, Grand Rapids Catholic Central, that is--has been a total asfjaksflakjdh to deal with lately. Or maybe people'll are just stupid.

I...dunno. Maybe it's 'cause I'm being stupid about somebody gettin' somewhere without me. Or because I don't see as much as I would like of somebody. Or because I'm just really confused about having the same urge to see someone even though I feel differently about them. ....ehhhehhhehehhehehehh. Things is so confusing.

Or maybe it's because I'm confused about wanting to be social and not wanting to be social and...ehhhhhhh. It's really freaking confusing!

I think some seniors should come visit. Like, uber soon. This might seem slightly random, I guess, but...it really isn't. At all.

Things is so confusing.

But apparently my blog is brilliant? Or whatever word it was that Lucy used? Thanks, Luce. Made me feel special.

Short lil letters....

....to things/people that were on my mind for a little bit today!

Dear Stupid Red-Shirted Soccer Player,

You stepped on my foot with your uber tallness that probably weighs more than I do despite you being thin and twisted my leg so my knee hurts (no pops and it doesn't hurt like a;jfa;dkjhhaksdj right now so I'm hoping nothing is damaged like Nikki or ma mere). You also shoved one of our players and didn't get called on it. I dislike you and suspect that you were a part of the scary aggressive purple team in the spring. D:< (Megan's realization, actually, but it makes sense.) We also beat your team, which is made up of basically ALLLLL the good people that play with this silly RECness, 5-1. So ha.

No hard feelings, I hope.

Jenna

Dear Social Niceties (and I guess Skype if you have a webcam),

Screw you. You get in the way of punching people we don't like in the mouth when we see them (borrowed words, hope the original author doesn't mind ;P). I would say people we hate....but hate's for Nazis. (Yes, my hypocrisy--is that the write word? Google says yes, but it sounds so wrooooong--IS showing. Thanks for pointing it out.) But, also, thanks for being there, Niceties, because otherwise I think I probably wouldn't be as nice to people as I am. xD

Hope you're well and not sucking at immunity like everyone else seems to be!

Jenna

More about zee REC soccer game today: I HAD A BREAKAWAY IN THE GAME WHERE I HAD THE BALL AND ALL THIS EMPTY SPACE BETWEEN ME AND THE GOALIE AND I WAS ALL "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE RUUUUUUN!" but 'cause I'm like a cheetah in the way that I run out of energy quickly, I failed to make it to the goal. xD Geeeeeeeez I'm so lame. AND I HAD TWO SHOTS ON GOAL! Only one was "wheeeee let's be two feet to the right of the net~" and the other had a red player in the way of it. xD I'm so bad at forward sometimes it's ridiculous.

"Darling, I don't know how to tell you this, but... there's a Chinese family in our bathroom."

Funny things I noticed today:

I'm still loved after a slight mutinous turn? Weird. What makes me so special, I wonder?

The school computers load Youtube videos faster than ANY of our computers at home do. Is this irony? I can never tell. D:

Once awkward crap's outta the way, it's much easier to talk to somebody. x3

I absolutely ADORE the movie (500) Days of Summer, which is where our title comes from today!Zooey's adorable. *hearthere'causebloggersucks*

Earth (the thing that lets us check our grades) decided to let me have Mrs. William's email AFTER I'd already printed out my poem. wtf. xD

Alto is really, really easy to play. :'D

The "marching band" is rather small. Much smaller than I originally realized, I think. o___O

Tom's friend's quote is right: The best way to get over a person (in the quote lady, usually in my case a dude) is to turn them into literature! Worked well with my piece for the GVSU publication.

I almost watched Shane Dawson in third hour today. ^_____^;; But I listened to Well Thought Out Twinkles instead. 'Cause I love that song.

The original idea that made me want to write this is long forgotten. Which is actually sorta sad.

Uh. City kids are pansies. :D Yes, that's really funny. 'Cause none of 'em wanna march.

A kid in marching band tried to get my sister to drop the f-bomb. Pfffffft.

AND NOW IT'S REALLY TIME FOR PRISONER OF AZKABAN! OR SLEEP! OR SOMETHING!

Loooooove you all~~~

"Don't open the door!"

(Note: This was originally written in gym because I have it right after lunch and I was nooooot a happy camper after some idiocy that occurred then . ^^ And I ended up agreeing with the girl that wanted to grow up to be a hooker! Holy shizz! Weird day!)

Hard to believe that about a year ago we all more or less got along, isn't it? If you had said that things would deteriorate to this point a year ago, I wouldn't have believed you. If you'd said it about February, well, yeah, it would be a little less unbelievable. But really? How can people that used to be such good friends (or what seemed like good friends) suddenly dislike each other so much? Things like this make me scared for the relationships I hold near and dear now. Will Jade and I end up hating each other? Will I do something to piss off Andrew and screw that up forever? Will things get too panic-inducing with Brian that I'll stop talking to him at all? Will I do something stupid and permanently disappoint Kate? Will I hurt Megan in a such a way that she won't be able to forgive me for? Will I be too needy for Anna to handle? I really, really hope not, but what if it does happen? It's possible, isn't it? If that happy picture from WMCAT can be torn to pieces, than why not the relationships I have with the people I adore?

...um. I think I wanna be angry now instead of near tears. That okay? Cool.

The immaturity of that exclamation astounds me. It reminds me of last school year when Sharron didn't want Brittany to be in one little room off of the HUUUUUUGE band room because of some stupid drama fiasco between Britt and Dan (generally a bad break up). Sharron didn't want her there because she didn't like her. Didn't think she should have to be in the same room as someone she didn't like, so she wanted Brittany out, even if she was trying to help Nikki. I got frustrated with her and yelled at her, half crying because I was so angry. It's just really immature to not be able to share a space with someone you don't like. Even more immature to try and lock them out at lunch. This "don't open the door! No one open the door!" stuff is just ridiculous. I know we're high schoolers, but geez. I'd rather you guys cussed each other out than deal with this little kid crap.

And whoever took Anna's pen should give it back if they still have it. I mean, you tried to lock them out. It's the least you could do, right?

Oh, but wait. You're immature. So you won't give it back. Nevermind.

Thought Dump!

Yeaaaaaah no specific train of thought on this...just stuff that's kind of been bugging me, I guess?

Somebody was hoping somebody else would forfeit the lunch area by the gyms this week. It perturbed me at first because I like that person, but then I thought about it, and well...why should she have to forfeit something that she has more right to than most of the people that go down there to eat do? That area was for seniors only my freshman year, and sorry to break it to all the people that eat down there, but most of you are NOT seniors at all! I mean, some of you aren't even in the grade you should be! So why should a senior have to give up something for you that you aren't even supposed to have yet?! Rrrrrgh. And even if you ignore that, you share a whole freaking school. You probably pass each other in the halls. Is it so hard to just share such a large space with them? Geez. People's stupid.

I've gotten better about other stupid thought things! Now, instead of thinking something and fretting over it...like leaning on somebody's shoulder during a movie or some other nonsense...I have the thought, it's there for a moment, then it's gone. It's kinda like having a thought of where you could do something bad to someone else like hitting them, but you don't. It's there, but that's it. You had it, but without any feeling behind it. It's weird, but a good weird. And I'm proud of myself. :D

I really want to see the rest of Get Him to the Greek.

This weekend has been kind of great. Friday made me feel special! Except for that one awkward moment before the ribbon candy. Heh. But even that wasn't that weird for me!!

Raspberry ribbon candy tastes like cotton candy if you leave it sitting with popcorn for a couple of days.

I want cookies. :c

I'm pretty okay with everything the way it is right now.

WMCAT STARTS TOMORROW!

They re-released Eclipse in theaters for Bella's birthday. I want a re-release of DH part one for Harry's (this is assuming that DH part two will be released around the same time as Harry's birthday--July 31st for those of you that aren't complete HP dorks).

That's it.

I've used that a lot with blogs, haven't I? Interesting.

That's really it.

I'm feeling pretty fantastic.

I'm tired. I'm freaking EXHAUSTED, really. Seriously. I've been up since five-thirty. xP It's been a long day. BUT SCHOOL WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD!

I got Megan to her class, even though she had a little issue with the sub being unprepared and maybe mildly not-smart. AND MABIN'S STILL THERE! Oh, gawsh, YES, I am so happy about that. xD I don't even have a class with him at the moment and I'm ecstatic (but guess who's gonna be hounding those counselor to get them into his class neeeext tr-er, semester~~?). My math class seems to be okay. AND LIFE IS SO CONFUSING! I didn't get a hug, but...still! So confusing! And Kibbey, Megan, and I all have the same Yellow Submarine notebooks! :D Life is so cool sometimes!

Uuhhhhh in physics Evan (who looks WEIRD now, btw) decided that he and Richie should sit by me. I dunno why. But he did. But that was okay, too. I have them in weight training, too, which is gonna make me look so weaaaaaaaak. D: But that's okay! I'm a girl. I'm supposed to be like that. :3

Uhhhhhm other adventures or interesting facts of the daaaaay....I HAD TO YELL AT THE BUS DRIVER TO MAKE SURE SHE DIDN'T LEAVE US AT CENTRAL. 0___0 It was kind of stressful. I was polite, though. I said "excuse me" and "please". She was kind enough to come back around the block and get us even though she was pulling out of the parking lot. She was nice like that and I thanked her very much when we got off the bus. :3 She's nice nice nice.

BUT OMG! We got to City and NO ONE WAS THERE. At all! It was just us Montessori/Central kids in the biiiiiiig ole general-band-stuff room. But then people slooooowly started trickling in and I guess either Central was the closest or we got out the earliest from our fifth hours. *shrug* Or somethin' like that.

WEBER! Yes, I HAVE HIIIIIM. Ahaha. And I finally got him his pin that says something like DARTH VADER SITH LORD or something. I was going to put "WEB" over the "VAD" so it said DARTH WEBER because, well, that's what he is, but I didn't get the chance. ;__; He wore it for the rest of class, though, which was cool. :P He was also wearing his lame Central polo, I noticed. Bleh.

It was really warm today. xD Warmer than I thought. And I got to see some of my City friends, Cheook and Lashia mostly! But I got hugs and Cheook was mean and said I'd be in beginning band just 'cause I couldn't remember scales off the top of my head. D: She's not very nice sometimes. But she's not gonna be in marching band because she's a lamer. Hopefully, when everybody plays marching band music together tomorrow, she'll like it and she'll wanna be in marching band! :D 'Cause that'd be cool, even if she isn't the nicest all the time. :P

....uhm yeah! I think that's it. SCHOOL WAS OKAY FOR ONCE!

OH WAIT! I'm feeling NORMAL! Like, happy in an eight year old way where everything's just cool. I don't know if I'm too tired to worry about stuff or just too little-kid-like to care. But it's cool. I'm not longing for anybody and I'm not feeling giddy because of anyone and I kinda decided somebody'd be more of a big brother than anything else. *shrug* 'S what he's acted like, really. Sorting out my silly problems. (Yes, sir, you're a big brother now. ;P)

But that's really it. I'm happy and okay with stuff and completely exhausted. xD And I get to do it all over again tomorrow and the next day and on Monday and the next day and the next day! Life's okay! ^^

You'd think I'd 've stopped thinking about this by now...

...but no, why people thought I was a lesbian is still beyond me. xD

Seriously, what the heck? It doesn't really bother me because if you took the time to know me you'd know that I'm pretty darned sure I'm not, but I'm just really curious as to how the rumor got started. So, yeah, if anyone knows, they should tell me. No, really. o3o Tell me.

When I first heard the rumor, I found it really funny. Mostly because I know what crap my head's gone through because of dudes and my liking them. :P If switching teams was enough to make it all better, Lord knows I would have by now...but yeah, I know it wouldn't work. 'Cause life isn't that easy.

What was a little bit funnier, though, was when I posted a status about it and how it was apparently because I wore "guy clothes" (how this is possible when all my clothes come from the ladies' section is also beyond me), everyone that commented on it seemed to be talking about how people at school were stupid in making it. ;P How they knew I wasn't a lesbian. Uh, yeah, guys, that's obvious. Silly faces. I know I'm not and that's what matters. You don't need to reassure me about that.

Anywhozits...I'm thinkin' life would be more fun if instead of making all these rumors, if you had an idea about someone, or heard something about them, you just go right up to them and ask. It'd be simpler like that, wouldn't it? I'd really prefer it that way.

....sorry, I lied about something in this post. I actually have a couple of guy shirts (a Shane Dawson and a couple Paramore). *shrug* But they're cooler than the girl ones a lot of the time and it's easier to find a size that'll actually fit. Skinny stick-girls rule the clothing world, apparently. e_e ...no, not apparently. They do.

pffffffffffffffffffffffff

Oh, hey there, system that controls emotions and memory and whatever the else heck you do (too lazy to confirm your name at the moment). Just wanted to let you know that I do NOT want to have to deal with anything you send my way unless it's a story idea, has to do with a Disney movie, or anything to do with memories. I need those, but I could do without this silly love business for awhile because it's starting to screw with my head and kind of make me angry. So, uh, yeah. If you could just turn off the non-platonic love part for a little bit, that'd be great. Thanks, Jenna. PS- Could you ask whoever's in charge of sleep WHY I'm still awake? I mean, it's almost two-thirty, for Pete's sake. I have stuff to do tomorrow (no I don't).

Things that suck.

My stupid panicky brain.

Getting mad at my sister for something that isn't her fault.

Being the more fragile and panicky one when I'm supposed to be the older sister that takes care of her.

Vacuum cleaners.

The stiff feeling your face has after a long cry if you didn't wipe the tears away.

Having only one friend that you feel like you can talk to about what's bothering you.

That one friend being too far away to get a hold of very easily (and cellphoneless. grrrr.)

Straws.

Laughing at something a friend said but then bursting into tears again.

Still having a heavy feeling in your chest even though you've cried and cried and cried.

Having about two hours to figure out how you're going to deal with something that you really didn't want to deal with.

A house that still is a mess.

Caring that the house still looks like a mess and being too lazy to do anything about it.

My nose being stuffed up so I can't even try to practice Breathe to feel better.

Realizing it's been a really, really long time since I decided I was going to try and cover that and I still haven't done it.

Being as pessimistic as I am right now.

Not getting a response from someone you need to talk to.

This pessimistic post being written much faster than my more optimistic ones.

Knowing EXACTLY why I do something completely stupid and horrible and doing it anyway.

And a bunch of other things, too, but that about covers it.

Chex Mix of Thoughts

Yeah, I meant to post something like this yesterday, but I got distracted. The draft was saved yesterday, though, so will it say I posted it yesterday? I'm curious.

Anywho, I WENT TO MICHIGAN ADVE-er, MICHIGAN'S ADVENTURE ON TUESDAY. Geez, it's already Thursday, isn't it? I can't believe that. At all. :/

But, yeah, amusement park with my adorable cousins, Jordan and Molly, then their dad, my uncle Brian. It was pretty fun, even though I am pretty darned sure that those little girls are going to be taller than me when they're all grown up. xD They're seven and four, respectively, and I have issues picking them up now. They're pretty tall for their ages and I don't think it's very fair at all. Uncle Brian is the tallest of my dad's ten siblings, though, so I guess it only makes sense... (My dad having ten siblings blow your mind? Well, guess what? That's eleven kids in FIFTEEN YEARS. Yeah. Be amazed. Or something.) Molly and Jordan were more into the LET'S RIDE THIS! LET'S RIDE THAT! than I was and I ended up being the official bag watcher for Zach's Zoomer. xP I got mocked for not riding it. And then, later, when I did go on a ride that I didn't really want to and I gave a little shriek at the plunge-back-to-the-earth moment, I got mocked again. Why, oh, why can I not win?! My family is so, so mean to me sometimes. (By the way, the ride was the Logger's Run thing, and if YOU laugh at me for not liking it, then I will punch you in the face or sommat. I may be short, but I will make it happen.) When we got back, poor Molly was so sleepy that she kept trying to crawl back into our car. xD

Also, the day before, when we were at Woody's Cone Stop by my house with them getting ice cream, we saw a raccoon. It got stuck in the trash can. :P

Playing with the little dears made me realize that I had more or less become my dad with the tickling and the grabbing and them avoiding me because of it. :P But that's kind of okay because he was fun to play with because he did all that. Even though he tickles hard. ;___; Playing with them also made me realize that I would really, really, really like a mini me to take care of. :3 Not now, obviously, because I absolutely KNOW there is no way I could handle a kid, but now I definitely know that I'd like kids someday. Though I still do not have baby names picked out like most girls apparently do...

Oh, and this reminds me: NO, I would NOT leave the kid at Meijer's. I would be one of those uberprotective parents that watches the kids like a hawk. D:

More random thoughts include this: A year ago, one of my friends was being uberawesome and helping me with my post-break-up issues and helping make sure that I didn't burst into tears during band camp. She was the first person I freaked out with about being asked to Homecoming with. She was the first person I told that I liked who I like now. And a year before that, she was the only friend I had in band. First trimester, freshman year, she was the one I had all my classes with and we found all of them together. And in eighth grade, she was my clarinet buddy and stayed that way until the end of this school year. Now? Now I don't know. Realizing that I'd lost someone that did all this for me made me really, really upset. Before this, I thought I was okay with it. Now I've realized what exactly I've lost, I guess. I still want to try and figure out what the heck happened to cause all of this, but...I'm more sad about losing someone I geeked out about stuff with and helped me through crap that I needed help with.

I think I might be done writing about her now. But I don't know. It took me almost a year to get Ho--er, Omar out of my system, but eh. I think I'm getting better at letting stuff go, so maybe this is it.

Also, Limbic system, I am SORRY. Gosh. I don't think anyone would get what I was talking about if I started writing to you. Just trying to make it easier on everyone else. Plus, I didn't even know what you were called. So nyeh.

Extra sidenote added after some Internet surfage: It really, really, really bothers me when something I like or am a part of is defended by people that cannot write or speak properly. They think they might be helping, but in some aspects...no, they're not. ;_;